Did your abuser ever say sorry?

[Pebbledashery]

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

No never not once. Although to be honest it would have just been because she was sorry for herself.

Nope. Used court to reveal my sexual history (and put his own lovely spin on it) and trawl through my entire medical history. Once I had a break down he continued to abuse me through the courts and social services (who were too thick to be able to see right through him)

Apologise? Never - he simply projects his own character and vile behaviour onto me.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun please tell me this vile abuser doesn't see your children :(

He ended up with full custody and me supervised contact only.

We now have 50/50 - him, his partner, his vile family gossip about me at the school gates, and regularly tell our child what a shit parent I am

Lala

I hear you.

The shock on my SW face when I was so glad he got cancer.

Unfortunately he was cured.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun oh my god that's awful I am so sorry that must've been horrific for you. He's absolutely awful. Does his partner try to mother the child also.

Honestly if the police turned up at my door to tell me ex is no longer with us.. I'd be relieved... Which is an awful thing to say but I would be.

@Pebbledashery

It has completely changed me and left me with zero trust, in anyone.

But it’s ok - I have an apology and compensation from the local authority who failed so badly - so whoop-de-do

No - my mother( who is no longer with us ) - she explained why - I’d figured that out myself anyway - but she never said sorry .

@Pebbledashery

Honestly if the police turned up at my door to tell me ex is no longer with us.. I'd be relieved... Which is an awful thing to say but I would be.

It's normal. I feel the same. I dont hate him anymore but he still hates me and there is always the worry he'll do something awful.

To quote my Father who was married to my abuser, he did not say anything because he wanted "a quiet life". He was keen to justify that until the day he died but not once did he apologise.

No.

In this case the verbal, emotional and physical abusers are my parents. In their eyes they did anything wrong.

I think it is part of these type of personalities to always blame the victim and be somehow incapable of reflecting on their own behaviour. My other relatives, although initially sympathetic when I finally after 30 years mentioned some of what had happened just ended up siding with my parents because they were such 'nice people' could not possibly have done anything wrong. I simply cut everyone off and I am much better for it. Denial and the need to maintain appearances can be very strong in many families.

sorry the above post should read 'in their eyes they did not do anything wrong'

@Requinblanc they will NEVER accept they did anything wrong.. my ex told my daughters SW that we provoked him to behave the way he did!! like it was some kind of justification!?

@LaLaLandIsNoFun was just thinking of your post when I collected my daughter.. you must have been devastated when he was given residency :( :( :( how long did it take you to get 50/50 back?
The thought of my ex even being in the same room as DD makes me sick.. I couldn't hack 50/50 - I'd literally have to go on the run!

It took me 18 months.

I parent on pins knowing whatever I do it will be ‘wrong’, that one day we will be back in court and that the system will once again fail me and our child. He’s emotionally abusive (the only reason I got out was because he lost control and hurt me - once) so it’s much easier to ‘hide’ his behaviour.

It's normal. I feel the same. I dont hate him anymore but he still hates me and there is always the worry he'll do something awful.

That’s just how I feel, there’s always that fear there.
I’m pleased you’ve had some positive news @Pebbledashery
i have a hearing next week that I am dreading but also keen to get it over and done with. I just want to move on with life.

@smellbellina I just hope they don't grant supervised contac center visits after the fact finding.. what more evidence do you need that my ex is a deranged psychotic!! CAFCASS lady was appalled by his police history and when she asked me on my future views of contact I said he needs an extensive period of time to address his behaviour and it has to be my daughters choice when she's older if she wants to see him because giving him contact is accepting it's ok that he abused her and that his behaviour is never wrong.. he needs to learn to change (I know full well he will never change)
What hearing do you have next week? x

My first abusers were my parents.

My dad did apologise when I was in my 20s and we did manage to forge a relationship of sorts. My mother never apologised and, even during our last ever conversation, was still blaming me for the things she had said and done since inwas 3 years old. I haven't seen her since and won't see her again.

I did end up in an abusive relationship/marriage after that and he apologised after we separated following months of therapy when I think he understood that the way he behaved was wrong.

He is in a very loving relationship now and we have a good, respectful co-parenting relationship.

Sadly, I've been unable to find that for myself.

@Pebbledashery I have just read your update! I am so soooo happy for you and your daughter!! That really has made my day

@PinkyX thank you I'm so relieved at the moment as there is not going to be interim contact.. but have to prepare for the fact he may get contact in the end.. Cafcass woman did think indirect contact was the way to go though..its in no way DDs best interest to have contact with him.

@BeQuick I hope life is better for you now xx you've been through so much. Never will understand why parents are abusive 😢

Like @chickenyhead I got to PLO stage with social services. The reason - emotional abuse. I had kept dc away from father after he assaulted them - SS themselves investigated the assault and the police charged him.
But I was abusing the dc through 'parental alienation'
He saw me at the first PLO meeting and was shocked by my appearance that he burst into tears and apologised. I did have a second apology a year later when we met to divide our assets - he cried then too.
It meant something...but maybe just that he has enough humanity to not harm our dc again.
He has overnight contact as SS deemed him 'safe' despite his criminal conviction for assaulting the dc

Thecourtsaid on fb is a good read.

Yep he said sorry 90% of the time and I believed him, until after nearly 40 years together I refused his latest apology he committed suicide, leaving me with all the guilt .

@justanotherkid so is PLO the stage where social services get involved to get a Court order or remove children from care? :( the thought of overnight access absolutely horrifically kills me I wouldn't be able to breathe if my ex had our DD overnight.