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Left for another woman

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user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 05:21:34

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

OP’s posts: |
Ghoste Thu 20-Aug-20 05:35:55

Good riddance! You are still really young. Just give it a couple of weeks and probably you will feel fantastic without him and your depression will lift.

MrsOldma Thu 20-Aug-20 05:55:31

Firstly block them both on social media. Secondly who do you have for support? You have done nothing to feel embarrassed about, you were blindsided by this and need to give yourself time. Are you receiving support for your depression and your mc? If not I’d seek some out.

You need to be gentle to yourself. You’re in shock and you are grieving the loss of your relationship. You just take it day by day, look for the small wins everywhere and it will get easier

Beautiful3 Thu 20-Aug-20 06:00:20

I'm sorry op. I know it's hard but better to be rid of him now rather than when you're much older. My colleague celebrated her 50th birthday alone as her husband reconnected with an old sweetheart. You're only 30. I would start going out more, running, meet friends, anything to get out of the house and crying. I promise you'll feel alot better soon. flowers

madcatladyforever Thu 20-Aug-20 06:03:09

Not sleeping with her my arse. Hes a liar as well as a cheat. Dont do any more begging he isnt worth it. He is a liar and a coward.
Find your inner anger and move on. Get the locks changed and dont let him mess you about.

TheGodmother Thu 20-Aug-20 06:04:00

Oh my darling, I know it feels like the end of the world now but this has saved you from a life time of misery.

Imagine this had happened when you had a mortgage and kids together? Be grateful you've found out who he is now and not in 10 years time.

I know it doesn't help you now, but you will get over this and will have a better life.

Just don't take him back when/if this new relationship goes tits up! He's obviously using you as his backup plan, as he's lying about sleeping with her.

Fuck sake how stupid does he think you are!

Ullupullu Thu 20-Aug-20 06:07:14

Your best years are not behind you! You'll realise that in your thirties. Can you get in touch with friends or family for support? Stay with your parents? Nothing to be ashamed of, he didn't leave you nicely

user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 06:07:21

Thank you both. I don't have alot of support here. My family are over 300 miles away and I have very few friends. Moving back home isn't an option. Am forcing myself back to work next week though.i have this dreaded fear that I'll die here alone and noone will find me and my cats will die. I know thats crazy but my mind is going mental.

I was previously on setraline for my depression but recently came off it as ironically I was starting to feel far better and more optimistic about my future. I'm going to call the doctor today but I haven't had any sleep and can't face leaving the house.

I just want him back so much. It doesn't seem real, I just can't believe he's done this to me. I know people have far bigger problems in the world but I feel absolutely broken. We were still sleeping together and trying for a baby just days before. sad

OP’s posts: |
user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 06:11:03

I wish I could be one of those strong women who realizes what a horrible person he is and doesn't want them back but right now I can't see myself without him. I know I should hate him but I don't, I'm hoping that stage comes soon sad

OP’s posts: |
disconnecteddrifter Thu 20-Aug-20 06:16:42

Mate so harsh because its such a shock. Relationships do break down but he didnt discuss this with you but cruelly just upped and left. Hes a cruel liar and a cheat. How someone could treat a person they were with for ten years like this? Sounds cliche but youvr had a lucky escape. He should be fucking embarrassed about what a nasty twat has been and her for sneaking a long and lying to your face!
I know you wont want to but you have to delete them from social media. Just do it. You be easy on yourself this is like a death so you will cry, not want to eat etc its totally normal. Then once its subsided a little bit make some plans to self care. Write down things you will do each day.
Also you will massively feel better if you take the power back. He knows you very well and is expecting you to behave hoe uou are. Dont give him the satisfaction. He has no right now to know anything about you and if he doesnf hear from you he will be curious. Go off radar let him stew.
Thankfully you are mega young. You have enough time to grieve, have counselling to deal with any issues ans then have footlosse fun; whether partying, travelling, hobby etc and if you still wanted to you could find someone and do all the heteronormative things.
For now grieve, rest ans plan how you can bd the best version of you. Dont let him in to your personal, mental or physical space again.

MrsOldma Thu 20-Aug-20 06:18:10

You’re still in shock. The anger will come Im sure but for now you need to focus on yourself and your mh.

Your fears of being alone are natural, you’ve had someone for 10 years and now they’re suddenly gone. Do you have friends/family/colleagues you can check in daily with? I had a friend who went through similar and she’d text me stuff like that’s me home from work now etc just to feel connected with someone again. Maybe it’s stupid but it worked for her

user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 06:22:46

He's never had social media and she's now made hers private. Mine is already very locked down although I doubt they'd even bother looking.

I have been speaking to my friends daily online and my mum checks in daily. I have been going for walks in the mornings when there's less people to see me sobbing. Thank you for taking the time to reply and offer words of encouragement.

OP’s posts: |
midclegs Thu 20-Aug-20 06:30:59

I've been there and I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there. It will pass, eventually he WON'T consume your every thought and you'll be able to move on.
In the meantime, order nice healthy take-alway meals for yourself, fill empty time with Netflix but also exercise - tiring out your body will help you sleep. You could also ask your doc for short-term sleeping meds?

HeartZone Thu 20-Aug-20 06:40:51

we were still sleeping together and trying for a baby just days before
This part would worry me the most .... how soon until you find out?
Good luck and stay strong. Take one day at a time, small steps.

user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 06:43:42

Thank you @midclegs that is encouraging. I think I will force myself to eat this evening and order something in that he hated and I could never have. I'll also try and do some exvercises on YouTube. I tried Netflix, any songs, couple scenes etc set me off. I think I may try some herbal sleeping pills too to take the edge off.

OP’s posts: |
user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 06:45:54

@heartzone we have been trying for years and have only successfully conceived twice so I'm not too worried. I'll test in a few weeks.

OP’s posts: |
powkin Thu 20-Aug-20 06:57:03

I’m really sorry this has happened to you, and for the miscarriage. He sounds like a total coward to end the relationship this way. No wonder you are in total shock.
Your best years are not behind you. You know who you are more now, what you want from life, who your real friends are, you have independence. I hated my 20’s and am much happier having just turned 35.
If you don’t have a therapist for the depression then think about finding one? Most is online at the moment so you don’t even have to leave the house.
You can find someone via the Counselling Directory, UKCP or BACP websites. You can also read about different types of therapy to see what looks interesting or helpful to you.
You’ll get through it, it’ll be slow and you’ll go in circles sometimes but you will get through it and you will find someone better and you’ll wonder why you ever wanted him back. x

craggymaggie Thu 20-Aug-20 07:03:10

Get back on Sertraline as soon as you can, it will help you manage your emotions better. Block both his and hers social media accounts. Don't torment yourself by reading about how blissfully happy they are - don't forget the image portrayed on SM is mostly smoke and mirrors anyway. She's possibly crapping herself that her workplace flirt has moved in and once she realises he's not the sweet, funny, charming man she thought he was, but a very ordinary man with a dysfunctional moral compass, she will have second thoughts about what she is doing.

Above all, be kind to yourself. Confide in people you are close to at work. Get yourself a support network. Post on here when you're struggling.

user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 07:05:31

@powkin thank you. I'm just blaming myself at the moment as he's now said he hasn't been happy for a long time and was going to end things even before he met her. But I know he's lying and trying to justify his actions.
I do have access to a counciller 24 hours a day thankfully via my employer, but haven't gotten round to calling them. I did contact samaratins the other day when my thoughts were particularly dark so no idea why I haven't already contacted them. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I'm really glad I posted now x

OP’s posts: |
Jellybeansincognito Thu 20-Aug-20 07:08:42

Not being happy is his problem op, not yours.

He’s not loyal, he’ll repeat this behaviour.

JinglingHellsBells Thu 20-Aug-20 07:09:39

So sorry but you will get over this and look back one day as having had a lucky escape.

I know you can't believe that now, but you will.

I'd be wry of reaching for the drugs if you can possibly stay off them. There is a lot of evidence they don't work much better than a placebo and advice nowadays is try to talk your way out of all this stuff, with counselling or CBT, as drugs can just put the emotions on hold rather than dealing with the thoughts behind them. But of course you do what you feel is best.

You are still so young- in another 5 years or less you could be with someone else, with a baby or two, or wonderfully happy.

user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 07:12:14

@craggymaggie thanks, I'm going to contact my doctor today. I can't look at her social media as she's locked it all diwn although she has made it oublic briefly the past few days to get a few sly digs in. I know I shouldn't look though, she just seems like a silly little girl who feeling very smug about this. She admitted she knew about me and still pursued him, although of course all the blame lies with him.
I will keep in contact with people daily and will definitely post here again. The only other time I have posted on Mumsnet was when I had ny miscarriage and the advice I received really helped me through. X

OP’s posts: |
user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 07:18:35

@jellybeansincognito yes I know you're right but he's somehow managed to make me doubt myself. I was faithful to him and I treated him with care and respect. I deserved the same in return. I can't even imagine myself with anyone else at the moment, this all still feels so wrong, I was sure he was the one for me 😢
@jinglinghellsbells I mainly just need something to help me sleep as I can't at all and I know that's making things worse.

OP’s posts: |
user1469989812 Thu 20-Aug-20 07:21:11

Again sorry for typos grammar I'm running on empty atm

OP’s posts: |
chillied Thu 20-Aug-20 07:30:43

I had similar near the end of my twenties - long-term partner went away for weekend, shagged, came back and said she was his girlfriend now. It hurt a lot and was bewildering, I don't forget the hurt and anger.

I had to move, couldn't afford rent on my own, and then had two excellent years being single living alone. I did whatever I wanted and went out where I wanted, had a couple of friends to stay for long visits at different times. I remember that as one of the happiest times.

After that I remember really wanting to find a partner again and did meet my now DH.

I am trying to remember how I managed to move from the anger and pain to enjoying myself. Definitely let the drugs help your mental health. I think I followed my nose on saying yes to new opportunities, some of that's difficult during covid restrictions, but some I remember was watching tv I wouldn't have watched before, or cooking new recipes, all that was also putting myself first, pleasing myself. Good luck

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