Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

[dancemom]

Thanks @Dancerinthemoonlight for the new thread

[Onesmallstep67]

Marking my place. Thanks @Dancerinthemoonlight.

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

Can I start his thread on a positive note 😊

Had another date with Mr Technology yesterday. 4 hours flew by. We have such good conversation and we talked about some quite deep topics. We are both on the same page in terms of what we want from life, hes childless (I have a toddler) but he’s open to taking on a child (he himself was a taken in by his step dad at a young age) we talked about thoughts on me having more and him having some, both open to it and so get the impression he’d really like a child of his own. Just good healthy conversation.

Anyway, I left the date and drove to the coast with my son to stay with my mum. I was driving along and BAM! Feelings. Scared the shit out of me. I really like him but yesterday it hit me that I have proper feelings. We’ve been texting for 4 months and meeting up for about 2.5 months.

I didn’t know whether to tell him as he’s (in his own words) quite a closed book and I didn’t want to put myself on the line and get nothing back. But he was showing really good signs on the date and opening up so I did. Just said I really liked him and I felt my feelings went up a notch yesterday and I’m sorry if that’s a bit much. He replied it’s not too much, he’s pleased I feel like that, glad I told him and he likes me an awful lot too :) So I’m happy. Still taking it slowly and carefully but I feel it’s moved on a little now.

[cravingthelook]

I'm here! And still supporting you all. I'm still mixed up and hurt but I'll figure it out. Meanwhile house buying is my focus today.

[Menora]

Thanks for the new thread x

[bangheadhere40]

Thanks for the new thread

[HalfDutchGirl]

Thanks for the new thread! I'm still here!

[bangheadhere40]

Second date for me later with Mr Funny...I get the feeling I'm not going to be that interested again and could be a repeat of Mr Car, if so I will tell him.

[bangheadhere40]

I agree with the others dancer and don't think you should be giving him all the power to choose. I hope you get to speak to him later and sort things out one way or the other.

[Clovertoast]

Good luck today Dancer x

[SortingItOut]

Thanks for the new thread.

Still with the guy I met on Fab, 10 months and counting.

But......how do you learn to trust?
New guy has never done anything to worry me and he was cheated on in the past so knows what it feels like but on the nights i dont see him i have this overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. He messages most of the evening when we are not together so its not lack of contact.

My ex husband emotionally cheated on me for 17 years so I have huge trust issues and actually i was planning on being single forever as i knew i would struggle to trust again.
Since new guy and I agreed we were exclusive (about 4 or 5 weeks now) i have this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and am convinced he is cheating.
Prior to the exclusive chat I didn't care what he did on the nights i didnt see him.

I'm wondering if exclusivity or a relationship is not what i should be doing....

[TigerDater]

You’ve come a long way @Dancerinthemoonlight and you sound like you are doing the right thing now by not contacting him.

He finishes work at 5. If I were you, if he doesn’t then make it a priority to make contact with you, say by 7, I would conclude there’s no point continuing. I would then send him a message that his behaviour in light of the obvious trauma you experienced on Sunday indicates that you and he have different approaches to what is meant by a relationship, so you will not be seeing him or communicating with him again.

Although, given what you’ve said about his attitude to commitment, I’d probably be tempted just to send that message now.

I would have thought your priority has to be sorting out your family, friends, living and job situation than dating? You are young, beautiful and talented. You deserve the best, but YOU need to be convinced of that. Make your life what YOU want it to be. Be completely selfish - everyone else is, why not you?

[Onesmallstep67]

@SortingItOut, the change in status of the relationship has mentally put you into a different place with him. Before it could be labelled casual and not official whereas now maybe there feels like you have more of a responsibility to each other physically and crucially emotionally.
When I was married I didn't have a perfect marriage but I rarely thought about whether I could trust my DH. ( he passed away so I don't have the rough memories of the break up as many on here do ) but since his death and my subsequent OLD experiences I am constantly doubting that I can trust the men I date. And having experienced all the weirdness /ghosting /duplicity many men peddle I definitely find trust and commitment a scary prospect. But I think that's mostly to do with not having found someone who I want and trust enough to give myself fully to. I think going forward I will always have one foot slightly out of the bed ( strange analogy ). It really is down to you, your partner and allowing the trust and belief in each other to build. Being in a relationship with someone is a daily choice whether you are married, living together, seeing each other or casual.

[Notcoolmum]

Why aren't you interested @bangheadhere40? I thought you liked him after the first date? Obvs don't settle for someone you don't like. But also don't blow someone out because they aren't Playing hot and cold.

I think being vulnerable in a relationship is so difficult as we get older and have already experienced heartache and shifty behaviour. It's wise words that being with someone is an everyday choice. But so hard to think the person you trust may decide not to make that choice one day. There are no guarantees. The divorce rate is a clear indicator of that. But I'm not sure how to enjoy the now without worrying about the future.

[sundaychillout]

I was chatting to someone for almost 2 weeks - about 3 messages a day from him. We seemed to have things in common and were in the same page about wanting a relationship.

Replied to his message this morning and the logged in during my lunch break. Whooosh .... he's gone. I don't know if he's blocked me or taken himself off the site. So disappointing!

[bangheadhere40]

I'm not sure notcool...

I think I'm wanting more of an attraction, although I realise this isn't always instant. I also don't want to waste anyone else's time if they are nice and I'm not really into it.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for....😬

[Clovertoast]

@SortingItOut thats how I feel too.
Mr P and I have had the conversation about being in a relationship and exclusive etc. Hes away at the moment and I am anxious all the time. Its utterly ridiculous. He has done NOTHING to make me feel uncertain and says and demonstrates how much he likes me, but I'm literally waiting for this to go wrong.
I left a 25 year marriage that was hideous at the end and abusive so I'm.not sure if the damage ever goes away.

[Menora]

I’ve only had that horrible feeling when something has been wrong or off to be honest. Like you can sense a shift or you are anticipating there will be one but you don’t know why you feel that way. I used to beat myself up for thinking about it but when it is unusual and out of the blue you do worry.

I haven’t heard from Mr R since first thing and that is really unusual. I’m more hoping he’s actually ok. I feel like I trust him enough so far and I know he is busy today but if he made a habit of it I would start to lose my trust rapidly

I think what I am saying is that this anxiety indicates you aren’t fully trusting yet so you are protecting yourself, there might not any one reason for it that you can work out, but you don’t trust him as much as you would like to. That’s ok to admit, you are human. And it’s maybe based on past experiences. So don’t rush into anything. It doesn’t mean anything bad will happen but you can learn to manage the anxiety over time by letting go of thinking about ‘what if’ this and that and trying to be 10 steps ahead to make you feel more secure.

[Notcoolmum]

Maybe give him a chance @bangheadhere40 I wasn't too sure about Mr B to start with. I was very hung up over my last iron. I was clear to Mr B I just wanted something casual although we agreed we weren't seeing anyone else. But then he sort of got under my skin. Mainly because he was reliable and straightforward and available. Our dates were always fun but he also listened to me when I needed him to. And I eventually realised that despite my big wall I'd put around myself he had sort of made little chips away at it. And I wanted to see where things could go if I let down my guard a little.

Now he's had a few setbacks and I've been there to support him. And we were there to get each other through lockdown. I'm glad I didn't walk away at the start.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

I need to just turn my brain off. Mr S has already been in contact this morning saying that taking a step back just means taking it slower than its going now. I asked what that means in regards to seeing each other/going on dates, if we would still be exclusive etc. He said it's difficult to explain but he will do his best after work to explain what he means by it and would it would look like going forward.

I have had a lot of thinking time last night and this morning to figure out how I would like it to go forwards. That I still want us to be exclusive, I want us to go on dates and get to know each other better. That I don't want to feel like I can't talk to him about what's going on in my day or if I'm thinking about him. That maybe we did skip the initial dating stages and skipped to 6 months down the line because of lockdown and that we got too comfortable.

I know that's what I want and if he can't give it to me then I know I don't have any other option but to say goodbye to him.

I did manage to get a bargain suit from m and s this morning so hopefully when I get interviews I can wear it.

[SortingItOut]

@Clovertoast
Your Mr P sounds like my guy, his words and actions point to the fact he really likes me and likes what we have but that niggling doubt of its too good to be true or I'm not worthy enough so of course he is going to cheat wont go away.

My marriage definitely scarred me and I dont know how you move on from it...well apart from not having a relationship again.

@Menora
I've definitely built a wall around me, new guy and I joke that I've let my barriers down about 1cm since we met and maybe in another 6 months I'll lower them a cm more!!
Although we joke it is really true, I've got my guard up and i cant let anyone in for fear of them hurting me, he has given no indication that he wants to treat me badly and we are very open about our relationship history so he knows a small bit of what I've been through.

My guard was up when we were just FWB but the anxiety around cheating literally started within a day of us agreeing to be exclusive, prior to that I wasnt fussed what he did (we hsd bern exclusive for over 6 months but just never discussed it)

I love my life that I've made since i split from my husband and so new guy enhances it but i can live without him in my life. Most of the time i used to think 'what will be will be' and know i can't change things so just go with the flow but right now the anxiety is overflowing.

I'm not sure how it resolves itself though apart from having a chat with him and agreeing not to be exclusive.....

[Notcoolmum]

Definitely don't allow him to make all the decisions @Dancerinthemoonlight and are you sure he's the man you want to continue with? Your posts about how he left his partner and child have really alarmed me. And you have seen evidence of his flakiness towards you already, and it's only been a few weeks. I think maybe you have self esteem issues as a result of your relationship with your parents. And you can't see what a good catch you are.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@Notcoolmum I'm not going to allow him to make all the decisions. I know what I want going forwards and if his idea of taking it at a slower pace doesn't match what I want then it's goodbye.
Yes I am sure that he is the man I want to go forwards with but if he can't give me what I want then I will end it no matter how much it will hurt. I'm not sure if it's just him being rubbish at explaining how he ended up coming over here and I don't know if they had split up before and that was also a reason why he started a new life over here. It is something that I will ask depending on how the conversation goes.

I'm now crystal clear what I want and expect from him. What going at a slower pace means to me and I will see if what he says matches what I want.

[TomHardysBitontheside]

@Dancerinthemoonlight I do hope you and Mr S manage to come up with a plan that suits you both. If someone said to me about allowing things down, I'd be really worried. However I know I have an anxious attachment so I tend to over analyse everything. And expect the worst.

@bangheadhere40 you should go on date 2. If there were no red flags on date 1, give him another chance. Attraction can grow. And it gives you the chance to get to know him a bit better.

I met Mr Bike on Sunday for our first date. It went very well. We laughed a lot and didn't stop talking. And we did end up kissing. A lot. He said lots of lovely things and that he does want to see me again. We've been texting since then but he hasn't mentioned a second date yet. I'm tempted to let him know when I'm free. But another part of me says that if he really likes me he will ask me out again. I hate dating sometimes!!!

[Onesmallstep67]

@TomHardysBitontheside, Sunday to Tuesday afternoon isn't much of a gap yet so I would hold tight and see what he says/suggests over the next couple of days. If scheduling time is important ( maybe related to childcare ) then drop that into general conversation.