Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Nice to see you batshit. Glad to hear things are going strong. Did you get any movement on his wife's presence in the house?

I hope @Dancerinthemoonlight that as well as considering whether his wants in a relationship match yours, you also take some time to consider whether he is the right sort of person to be in a relationship with. To me, you highlighted some big red flags about him recently. Make sure he deserves you and your love.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 i also feel similar to what you feel in that I'm a single parent to two toddlers and I do so much generally whereas there is always that anxiety with relationships, in my case feeling like my life is not exciting enough!!! I have 100% responsibility for my children.

What I've recently tended to do is lay out expectations early on, so regular communication/daily contact of some kind, that I'm not looking to multi date, and that if I'm not getting all that, then I'm out! I find by laying it on the line, then it does ease the anxiety.

crazycat although you feel it's you I really don't think it is. He has let you down before so of course you are going to be over anxious, he's made you feel that. If he hadn't done all those things you wouldn't be anxious, don't blame yourself.

Mr Positive sounds nice ( and positive) but I get him not wanting to be 2nd best, it's good you have been honest with him. Would you miss him if he stopped texting?

I spoke too soon! Just got a lovely message from Mr Funny saying he would love to see me again...I do see potential with this one.

@Dancerinthemoonlight i think you should also take time and see whether this person is right for you. Clearly he has seen something in your situation which he doesn't feel comfortable with, but someone else will. Also, if he felt it ok to leave a young child himself, he might have different values to you. I am only saying this having ignored red flags myself. I was someone who was with someone who had very volatile situations in their family life and I wish I'd stayed away. I was also with someone who left his partner when pregnant, I wish I'd stayed away too!

@bangheadhere40 yeah I suppose I agree with what ur saying, but he is keeping in touch, it's not like I'm going days without contact. Not to make excuses for him but...he has had stuff to sort and had lots on his mind. I knew that and when we started again. Hes now back at work so it's not unreasonable that he doesnt text back for a few hours. if I was doing my work properly I shouldnt be texting either lol. I'm trying to steer to quick calls rather than back and forth of texting.

Mr Positive is really nice, I'd only known him about a week when Mr Big came back. hes saying he'll not be 2nd best and his friends have told him to cut me off but hes hanging in there asking what I'll do if it doesnt work with mr big. I'm trying not to engage with him too much, not start convos etc tbh. I feel really bad, I dont want to use him.

crazy know what you mean...I'm working from home ( using the term loosely), it's terrible for overthinking especially when there isn't much work to do!

Yay @bangheadhere40 fingers crossed from me. You deserve some fun.

I'm back from a second date with Mr Potter. Half an hour in he had a phone call from the garage to say his car was ready for collection and asked me for a lift to the garage, so the rest of our date was a 15 mile trip to drop him off I wouldn't have minded but he spent the entire time talking about himself, and when he got out of the car and asked if I wanted to see him again, he was highly indignant when I said I didn't think so! Back to the drawing board, though I have no irons at the moment so lots of swiping ahead this evening.

It's been lovely reading everyone's thoughts on feeling validated. I'm another one that's highly competent in my every day life but turns into an unconfident overthinker when I'm dating. I'm really trying hard to let go a bit this time, set my boundaries and relax more.

Whoop whoop @bangheadhere40! Sounds positive!

Wow @frocksmock that's not much fun for a second date!! What would he have done if you hadn't have driven him?!

@Notcoolmum I think his neighbour would have done it, but the cynic in me wonders if he arranged today on purpose.....

Please can I have some advice.
Mr P just text me. Hes home from his holiday after 2 weeks with his kids. He has them 5050.
We've text constantly throughout his holiday about how much we miss each other and are looking forward to seeing each other.
He's just text how sad he feels, how he's tearful and how empty his life feels without the kids.
I know he loves them and he's a great dad but when he says this stuff i feel so insecure. Like I know I will never come first, but doesn't the thought that you can now see me cheer you up a little bit ?
Aibu ? Do I sound like a brat ?

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I can so relate to a lot of what you wrote about having no reason to doubt but feeling anxious all the same. And I'm almost 2 months into this!
Things are going really well with Mr Biology (Mr B) and he's told me he's really happy and really likes me etc. But I still get anxious and insecure as soon as we're apart. Which is every other week... There was a day recently where I felt a bit neglected, and when we talked about it he said his level of interest is constant and therefore he doesn't think to show it or reassure me. Maybe that's the case for a lot of men when they're happy in a relationship? But he's taken on board that I need a bit more demonstration of it and he was more tactile and affectionate the next day.

I too am anxiously attached and I annoy myself with my insecurities but I'm planning to talk to Mr B and say that I need to feel a bit more connected when we're apart, and see if we can come up with ideas together... Because I'm worth it. If I tell myself that enough, hopefully I'll believe it!

@Clovertoast wait until you see him, he'll be looking forward to that but it's natural for him to feel a bit of pain at missing them.

Doesn't threaten your relationship. Are they quite young?

@Clovertoast he sounds a bit insensitive and selfish to me. I’d just say ‘ah poor you’ then leave him to it until he shakes himself out of his mood.

@Clovertoast I think it's a positive that he feels able to tell you those things, but it's not unreasonable for you to feel excited to see him and a bit disappointed that this is overshadowing it. I'd wait until you see him. Also, I often feel quite discombobulated straight after separating from my two dc. Then I remember how much fun I can have alone!

@Frownette yes they are 5 and 8. He didn't want his marriage to end, his ex ended it. Hes told me that. If I'm honest I think it's not just the handing them back its the reminder that he cant have his family that upsets him and that worries me.

@Clovertoast I think it's lovely that he's sharing his feelings with you and shows that he loves his children and is a committed father. I'd be pleased he was turning to me for support, but isn't interesting how we all react in different ways? There's no right or wrong, there's what feels right for you.

@Clovertoast
Bad as it sounds... don’t get too involved with how he feels about this and trying to help him get over it. Don’t be a counsellor.... It’s one thing to tell you about it - sharing feelings is not a bad thing at all, but when you feel like nothing you will say would help anyway I would just sympathise and then try to lighten the mood. Been out with a guy in similar position and I did find it draining. It wasn’t the kids - it was the mourning of the marriage and loss of family. Is he ready to date? How long ago did this happen? He needs to work this though, you aren’t a distraction. Keep an eye on his mood

clover I would also feel a bit put out unfortunately....it's lovely he is close to his kids but all you want is a little excitement to see you after 2 weeks! As PP said maybe he's just comfortable sharing stuff with you, it's a tricky one. When are you seeing him next?

@Menora thats exactly what it seems to be. He mourns the loss of his family and what he thought he had. He has told me that. He admits he's bitter about it and it's not what he wanted. He also had a beautiful huge house they had to sell as part of the divorce settlement and the house he owns now is small, hes very bitter about that.
I suppose I just feel like I will always be something he's ended up with or had to settle for because what he really wants, he can't have.
Ouch. I'm going to have to talk to him. After nearly 9 months I've fallen for him I dont want to get hurt.

When did they split clover?

I can see why you feel uneasy as it’s not actually improving... he’s not coming to terms with it? I feel bad for him but that’s no way to live, also the DC will pick up on it

They divorced 3 years ago.