Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@HairyArsedMan, that’s an interesting one with Miss Terrific. How are you feeling about it?

I got a random text from a much older friend of my ex, asking me out for a drink 😳 I’m 36 and he’s late 50’s. I haven’t replied as I’m shocked. He’s is not my cup of tea at all and he’s a good friend of my ex!

The Mr T thing is still up in the air. I’ve been speaking to @Backonthehorse1 a lot about him. She agrees his communication style is terrible but he’s sweet in real life (he popped round with some blueberries out the garden for my son).
He is too closed for me at the minute. I told him yesterday that I’m scared about falling for him and getting hurt. His only response was don’t worry, it will work or it won’t. I just wanted a bit of reassurance that he wasn’t going to mess me about. I’m fully aware it will work or it won’t, I’d just like the journey to either destination to be without pain and fear if possible. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to wait for him to open up? He’s said he wants to take it slow but it’s so slow at the minute that it’s going backwards 😳 I’ve put my walls back up and gone back on the apps although I’ve had a few matches there’s nothing much going on.

I will talk to him tonight as we are out for dinner. It’s a conversation we’ve had before though so I think the time has come to make a decision. It’s either accept he’s closed, not romantic and accept him for all the wonderful qualities he does have, or sadly walk away 😞

Why is dating so hard!

@ZoZoBo sorry to hear about your iron. It really sucks doesn’t it.

Dating has started to knock my confidence.

If I end things with Mr T (which really fills me with sadness actually) I think I’ll have a break from it all.

Just checking in!

Had a fourth date with Mr Scarface last night. He has had a tough few days and hasnt been in touch much, but we spoke the previous two evenings quite a bit. He had planned to come over for about half 8 last night, and we were on the phone from half 6 til 8 just chatting whilst getting ready, so it was like a pre-date which was nice.

He came over, we had a few drinks in the garden, then went upstairs to watch something together, and ended up having sex. It was probably the most intimate sexual experience of my life! He is one for taking things slow so it wasnt rushed or forced and it all felt very natural and lovely.

We had previously discussed him staying over but he left at about 1am, I think he could tell I was a bit upset at his decision but he told me that it was nothing to do with me, it was about him and his tendency to overthink and put pressure on himself. He said it was still early days and no need to rush.

I'm not sure if I mentioned but despite him being quite a bit older than me, he is inexperienced with relationships. He has had two long term relationships which he described as "just falling into". I know he wants to make more conscious decisions about our relationship so I know I need to respect his choices and take things at a pace that suits him :)

This came on the radio yesterday & I've made it my anthem/theme tune

A few matches have resulted in me sending first message then woefully dull short replies which in my mind isn't good enough. Sell it to me boys!

Just back from MrCountry’s place.
Another good date out and night in.

So he’s away for two months now - we’re hoping to reconnect when he’s back.

It will be interesting trying to pace long distance contact as this is often where I GO PSYCHO

But I think we’ve established a good communication basis so fingers crossed!

Either way it’s been nice having some fairly traditional dates with a grounded guy.

It’s just been quite “easy” - communication is good, I can walk to his, he’s a good host, we like going to the same city venues, and I think after feeling I had “clashing schedules” with a lot of other dates that’s not to be turned down

Bit awkward as we did chat about sexual exclusivity and condoms etc and we kind of agreed to both get tested.

but also I’m not sure if that’s too much too soon or if that’s making us steady (which I’m not sure I’m ready for with anyone this year?).

But I’ll sit on it for a while. It will be interesting seeing how we feel when we meet again too

@Ruralbliss I’ll raise you a

@ZoZoBo That’s a shame really, so foundations first is really something that @Menora has been talking about on here a lot and instinctively it seems right to me. Of course it depends on where you’re at personally and what you’re looking for but if it’s an enduring thing you want then I think you can afford a bit of time to be curious about what surrounds the initial attraction. So it’s about taking things slowly or trying to remove the online dating pace and context from the equation - there’s this tendency to think there are others out there to meet and compare against so we’ve got to get a wriggle on or the current shiny thing will disappear on us. I think, no, that’s not right. It takes us away from really figuring out if we like someone as a person and understanding their qualities - their consistency, their depths (or not), figuring out whether you are both capable of expanding each other’s views of the world or indeed if you’re sharing such views of the world. if you can extend trust to one another, confess stuff, support each other in the ways you both need. Those are the sorts of things I’m thinking about. I guess for me it’s about understanding whether there is that core of friendship and alignment. Ideally you’d be able to do all this while shagging the living daylights out of each other but it just doesn’t seem to happen that way when you do. So perhaps we need to reconsider the end goals, and wonder if we need that well trodden path of car park snog on first date, dinner and staying over on third date, followed my mutual apprehension about what you’re actually getting into ...

The story with Miss T is that she said let’s be friends after what I thought was a really nice first date. So I wondered if that was remotely feasible. Decided it wasn’t but then we messaged, and messaged, met again in a non-date way, ended up spending the day together and so it continues.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 It feels natural and good to me, if a little confusing on the flirting side. If there is any tension there I’m not picking it up (I am still a bloke so not so good at the intuiting !). I’ve had a couple of dates in this period and I’ve put in curiosity and explored those to their closure.

ps @Dancerinthemoonlight good luck and glad you’ve knocked back some chancers !

@HairyArsedMan actually went fine. He's a relaxed sort and we have 0lenty of interests in common. I know, I dont typically like then either

@HairyArsedMan

That’s a great phrase - “core of friendship and alignment”.

Thanks for that @HairyArsedMan. I thought we had done a bit of that as we were chatting for a while before we met because of lockdown. We had a great first date and all other dates were amazing too. It’s great when we are together I just need more if it’s to be a long term thing.

While I was reading your message he actually messaged me a few times and looked to meet up next week. I’m confused. I think I want to speak to him face to face to read better where he is at with all this but I also don’t want to be on here the week after next moaning about the same things

I have come to few realisation/decisions over the last few days/week in regards to how dating is going to look for me going forward. I know many of you have noticed a change in my posts and the way I am beginning to view myself.
I have decided that I am not going to go on any dates if I feel like something is off or they are trying to test my boundaries before we have even met. A good example of this was last night when i was arranging a date with a potential iron and he was pushing to get a takeaway and watch a film at his rather than go to a restaurant. I am worth a man making an effort to meet me; that doesn't mean that he has to go out of his way to always come to me but he has to some of the time. As more things are opening up I would like to go on proper dates not just "we will hang out" with no real plans, that is fine for further down the line in dating but not at the very beginning.
If it means then
I go through a dry spell when I have no potential irons or dates on the cards then I am completely happy with this. At the end of the day I know that I'm not looking for a casual relationship or a fwb. I want a real long term relationship, I want to get married in the future and I would like to have a few children so its not worth going on dates with men who only want something causal or have made their mind up about what they want when it is opposite to what I would like for my future.
I am looking for my unicorn, my Mr Right not Mr Right Now

Fantastic post @HairyArsedMan, really well put , full of insight. I know I am ultimately looking for someone that I can share my life with, open up to, build trust and mutual support. It's a wonderful feeling when you believe that there is that potential in someone.
If ( when?) I return to first dates I can imagine that I will initially be drawn in by the adrenaline filled sex , getting back on the horse and proving to myself that it will all be okay, I can still attract a man. Anyone can find sex and I have done many times. And we are not all looking for the same things. But for me I feel that my next search , when it happens, will be more targeted and less flaky behaviour will be tolerated. It's been great to read about people feeling more empowered on here.

I think that sounds great @HairyArsedMan as long as being friends is a good enough outcome if feelings/attraction don't develop on both sides. I think you are right about the breakneck speed of dating. The pressure to have made up your mind at the end of a couple of dates.

@Dancerinthemoonlight that sounds like an amazing change in mindset. I would never agree to go for a takeaway at someone's house on a first date. I have for a second but this was an iron I saw as a casual thing. I love a takeaway and watching tv on the sofa night. But it's very intimate. It's so lovely to see you raising your standards and sticking to your boundaries.

Yes I think when I have been speaking to @HairyArsedMan about this we just identified that there needs to be a foundation to be able to build. Sexual attraction or common hobbies is a start but it is not a foundation.

Would you invest all your time and money into quickly building a house built on some sticks, or would you rather invest slowly in something that is more solid and reliable.

In terms of foundations, I think you can’t keep opting for the short term high’s of exciting dating unless that’s just what you want - fun and casual with no strings. If you want more than that then you need to look at whether the person you like is actually willing and capable of meeting your long term needs, whether you have common shared values and if you would want to be friends with them. Not just being friends and hoping for more but imagine, if this person was my friend would I actually like them?

@Menora brilliant post also and makes so much sense and helps to clear the fog in my brain about this. Thanks

Really good posts today, ive read a couple of them over and over and you speak sense.

im going on holiday tonight to Cornwall for a week with Mr P and of course I feel sick, have back pain and it burns when it pees !! Hoorah bring on the non sexy uti......!!!!
GP has given antibs i can't drink on and I just want to sleep and puke !!
My exdhs wishes of me spending the rest of my days on this earth in misery really are coming true !!

Oh no. What antibiotics! I had some for a uti last week. Of course I didn't want to drink anyway as that makes it worse for me. Hope it dies down soon and you can enjoy your week away.

Oh bloody hell @Clovertoast that's terrible timing. Hope those meds kick in quickly and you can enjoy the time away.

Love the wisdoms here today of reconsidering the 'well trodden path of car park snog on first date, dinner and staying over on third date, followed my mutual apprehension about what you’re actually getting into ...' slowing down the online dating pace being another great one and 'if this person was my friend would I actually like them?'

Hmmmmm......

Thanks @HairyArsedMan & @Menora

After my long post earlier about looking for Mr Right and if in that process I don't have a date for awhile then thats okay; I have the date with Mr Travel tomorrow for lunch and I have just arranged a date with Mr Doctor for tomorrow evening. Both are willing to travel to my area even though they don't live around here. Mr Doctor works at the local hospital so knows the area.
I wont know if either has potential to go somewhere until after the dates as Mr Travel seems a bit dull over text but could be different in person and I only matched with Mr Doctor yesterday. Still keeping my boundaries firm and if we don't get on in person or are looking for different things then oh well.

Well make that only 1 date tomorrow in the evening as Mr Travel has just cancelled as he has an appointment in the evening to test drive a car. Don't think I can be bothered to re-schedule as we were meant to be meeting at 12 so it seems like a bit of a wishy washy excuse. He also joked about coming and seeing me yesterday, backed out and then arranged tomorrows lunch date.

Sounds a good call to drop MrTravel @Dancerinthemoonlight

I felt the same about one of my recent irons who cancelled a couple weeks ago - he’d politely cancelled an evening date from work with two hours notice because he was “exhausted”?

I wasn’t put hugely out of my way as he’d originally suggested somewhere walking distance from me but also I remembered he’d said he was out the night before so.....?

I think some flexibility is good further along the line (when you’ve got to know each other a bit more) , but it’s horrible being on tenterhooks waiting for some bloke to confirm - I like to know I have a date, put it in the diary and leave it there.

I also think it’s a bit of a control/headgame thing - they sort of “test your boundaries” early on with weird made-up excuses

Then you’re having to message them at the last minute/wait around for them, and even if you get on fine in person when you do meet it’s like you’ve spent all your peace of mind having to plan round them?

My ex was very “last minute/lots of cancellations” and I think he wanted to push a situation where he could just “drop into mine” at the last minute (whilst he knew I was seriously studying and didn’t have time to host)

the last time we were meant to meet, I just sat there and thought “we’ve planned for Sunday, I’ll probably have to spend all of Saturday chasing/waiting for a last minute message, I have my own fucking plans here?’”.

It was SO hard cancelling on him that time as I had strong feelings but I’m so glad I did. Enjoying my shiny new qualification much more than I’d enjoy him

@Bunkbedpeople I know things can and do pop up that can't be changed. Like family emergencies etc so I'm happy to be flexible and happy to travel. Just not all the time.
Punctuality is a big thing for me but again I understand that accidents or traffic happens. It's when it's a part of a pattern that's when it gets to taking the piss.

Although I have better boundaries now it doesn't mean that I'm being so ridgid and not understanding that things do pop up unexpectedly.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4002262-Dating-Thread-193-Remembering-Rule-7?watched=1

Shiny new thread

Who's going to post the very last message after me and get up to 1000..?

Me!