Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@SortingItOut I know how you feel as this is how I've been feeling about the guy I've been dating. I'll call him mr sparkplug.
I think the lockdown situation doesnt help as dating hasnt been "normal". We've been texting since february every day and had a few dates before lockdown and since the lockdown was relaxed we've seen each other at least once a week.
We both have a child so scheduling has been tricky too. He is in no way romantic but he seems grounded which is what I need. But my previous relationship has stung me and I'm trying not to compare him with my ex. Not difficult as they are poles apart thank goodness!
Its difficult to trust people but I'm going on the basis that he's done nothing to suggest he cant be trusted so far, so am trying to push my own anxieties away.

We've had the exclusivity chat and we've also discussed a play date for our kids as they are the same age and given lockdown it's been difficult to meet up with their other friends.
The thing I find frustrating is the lack of planning forward. Eg we dont arrange the next date at the end of the last one. I'm a real planner and he is not! That he has said things that mean he sees this as a longer term thing. So I'm trying to relax and go with the flow a bit. This is not natural for me though!
I like reading all the updates. Best wishes to all x

Thanks for the new thread!

@Onesmallstep67 my kids are older teenagers and he doesn't have any, so I don't have to consider that at all. He does message regularly at the moment so I will just sit tight.

Placemarking thanks *dancer

Looking forward to actually being able to drink and eat out for my next couple of dates .

It was an interesting experience lockdown dating but a bit surreal!

(Half price if we pick the right place )

And he's just messaged saying he doesn't want a second date. He's not over his ex. Oh well, onwards and upwards....

Sorry to hear that Tom but his loss!

Thanks @dancemom absolutely. I'm just glad he was honest. To be fair, I had a couple of concerns but wanted a second date to see how concerned I should be.

Placemarking! Second date with Mr Potter tomorrow. Text conversation in the meantime has been very serious. It'll be interesting to see if he has a lighter side.

Ok I've sorted my head out today.

Mr Swan is still being a darling on the friend front so I'm taking his lead but fuck it I need to get over him so I've been swiping. Lots of new interest.

I've got a date with a trainee pilot tomorrow I will call him Mr Sky. He seems smart and funny but due to his schedule ridiculously unavailable... but we got on so well and he seems very keen so sod it if nothing else it's a nice walk tomorrow.

I just need the boost. Mr Swan has asked for help with something and I originally suggested tomorrow but told him I was busy now and he said good glad you are going out have fun ... didn't say it was a date but I think he must have guessed.

There's a few more potentials

Oh and I got the house. And yes the first person I called was Mr Swan as he did the second viewing with me. He is genuinely happy and said he can't wait to hang out there. The reason they accepted my offer is I'm flexible with moving in date and their new build is delayed. I won't be moving til end October but it's exciting.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Long time lurker here- I read as you detailed how mr S was perfect and big red flags were raised. You left out how he abandoned the daughter when you first mentioned her , he was the doting father then and you wrre already planning ‘ family time’. You wound yourself up over a comment by a 5 year old that he’s not allowed to have a girlfriend. Slept on the floor whilst he had your bed.

Girl you seriously need to have a chat with yourself. Someone you met a few weeks ago asked for space and there are these theatrics and analysis of what in a few means whether he’ll text, blah blah. I would run a mile if I were him and sounds cruel but that’s prob the best for YOU! The dynamics are so distorted, he sees you clinging for dear life that he would abuse the situation.

You can’t fill the void with a man. It was the army guy then the US guy, the one who said you are racist and then this one. Always trying to create the happily ever after even when it’s clear the men are far from interested.

Stop throwing yourself at these situations. Know YOUR value. If you don’t no one else will.

@savvymymmy I just wrote out a really long reply but deleted it because I don't have to defend myself or who I have previously dated.

Im leaving this thread and old for a while. I don't know if I will come back or not. I hope everyone finds what they are looking for

Also a long term lurker and previous poster. @Dancerinthemoonlight, please don't go, I think you need the support and (mostly) wise words of this thread more than ever at the moment.

@Savvymymmy I'm sure your words came from a good place but they did sound unnecessarily harsh and judgemental. The same sentiment could have been worded more kindly. Sometimes we think laying it out how it is and not mincing words will jolt someone into reality when actually all it does is drive them away.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I agree with @TigsytheTiger please stay. You know we are here for you and although written articulation may sometimes be off, I'm here because I genuinely believe we are all in this to help each other.

None of us make wise choices in love, (least of all me) because we react to our feelings and we live and learn.

@Savvymymmy that was a vicious post, shame on you.

@Dancerinthemoonlight please don’t let one unkind twat drive you away.

I don’t think the delivery of that post was at all necessary, especially when Dancer had also been talking about the trauma she suffered in her childhood and the difficulties she has with her family. With that context in mind (and without) - the wording of the post is really harsh.

When I felt attacked on the thread back in Feb I am sure it was from a good place with good intentions but I struggled with it as I was not in a good place to begin with, and instead of listening I got defensive and left. I felt really alone and adrift and although I came back stronger after counselling and I can absolutely see what people were saying and they were right, it really hurt me at a time when I felt super vulnerable. I don’t think people are tiptoeing around each other here but experience tells us that delivering things softly and gently can go a long way in the longer term. A lot of us have grown and made changes and I think @Dancerinthemoonlight should not leave the thread because she uses it for support - a lot of what is written here is never said to irons and is venting out and exploring your feelings.

@Dancerinthemoonlight ... I did message you too and know you haven't got it. I understand I get it. Just know we are here. And keep going with your plans if you do take time out.

@Savvymymmy
With friends like you on the thread who needs enemies?
This is a supportive thread and nk matter what we have to say it should always be delivered in a friendly manner.

Dancer had already received good advice and was asked questions after she bravely opened up about her childhood and you just come in and steamroller over everything.

#BeKind

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I hope you dont let one person get to you as i know you find this thread supportive.
I hope Mr S comes through as i know you like him a lot but if he doesnt then a step back from OLD might be a good idea while you concentrate on a new job and dealing with your family.

Always trying to create the happily ever after even when it’s clear the men are far from interested.

Is this not what most of us are doing? Why are we dating and trying to find someone?
Also the men are interested, but things can go wrong. Unfair to say that they are never interested when that’s clearly not the case at all

#dancer. Oh shit. I was just replying to previous lady. Please stay here

#dancer .. listen, it’s not how it’s approached that gives us value it’s how issues are tackled. Fast, slow, nutty (as in my case), dull, bright, not so bright. Who cares. We have all mostly come from difficult or sad times. Sometimes it’s a comfort, sometimes exciting, sometimes you just go ‘what the fuck did I do.’ Other times you look at the other date partner and eventually able to think you bastard (or whatever). You are a good person. He’s flaked on you. It’s a horrible shock. It does not mean you are not of value or have not valued yourself.

Thank you for the advice on the last thread. I tried out some new apps (figured what the hell, spread the net wide) and have a few tentative irons.

The most communicative one, who I will call Mr Irish, seems really lovely. We have a lot in common, conversation is really easy and we have had a couple of phone calls that just flowed. We have made tentative plans for a date on Saturday, possibly a picnic, as soon as I've confirmed that my children will d finitely be with their dad. My only worry is that he's very keen, and I know that's a good thing, as opposed to not being bothered, but it makes me feel a little bit panicky. I'm wary of being lovebombed and it feels like a lot of pressure. Is there a way of gently asking him to dial that down a bit whilst not pushing him away? I am happy to meet and get to know him, but I'm still bruised and wary and just want to take all this slowly.

I have had a week with Mr Wales as a consequence of us flying in fast together. Pulled all my anxieties out and he’s had the brunt. But he’s still here this morning. Keep trying. Write to this man and tell him you are disappointed. He promised much and has hurt you. Keep it objective. Then leave it.

.. rocky week

No. Just keep going. Rather nice to be at the receiving end of some feeling! Just do some dates!

I just wanted to say thank you all for defending me this morning. @cravingthelook told me.

I'm just feeling in a really vulnerable place right now and like everything is out of my control because it's nothing I did that caused this. I know I overthink about way too many things but that's just a part of who I am.