Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hi can I crash pls? Ive lurked for a while..:35 divorced and no luck with dating. Was seeing someone for a while who promised me the world and dropped me from a massive height. ExH has a prtner and new familu and I feel really shite! I am on some of the apps and have bad some dates that were shite. I also seem tp attract the ones with issues...starting to lose hope .

@Menora

I don’t think it’s unfounded entirely You spoke about going away together and he’s shut it down by saying he might not bother? A lot of people are wary about travelling and getting stuck somewhere so I understand that part, did you talk about going away in the U.K. or abroad though?

@Menora UK based and relatively local. I'm just going to woman up.

He's said he really likes me and he's starting to get feelings. That wouldn't have changed in the last 24 hours. I think he is on the more cautious end of the scale whereas I am more of a risk taker. I think this is all on me and my insecurities.

I do worry about me having a child too. He has said a few times he'd like a family, whether that be a child he takes on or one of his own. He has been really honest about this, right from the first day we spoke, that my child is not an issue to him and is actually a positive, yet I still worry.

For added info, I have just shaken up my entire life (just before meeting him) and i'm at the start of a new career adventure. Its a 4 year plan that I am 100% focused on and Mr Technology knows all about it, what it involves and that it is my focus. He is fully supportive of it and I get the impression he is proud of what I am doing and respectful of my guts and determination. I do think its one of the things that has drawn him in actually as I know he's told his SiL all about it.

I dont often get replies to my posts which is fine, people have bigger issues than I do, and sometimes just writing it down and reading it back is enough to give yourself a talking too!

I am being silly. He would have meat nothing and thought nothing more of it. I am going to spend the rest of this week concentrating on me. I have 2 assignments to write and I have today and Friday childfree. Ordinarily, I use one of my childfree days to go out with him, but I am not going to arrange anything (I always do, he never does) I need to pull myself back a bit and not let myself get dragged into needing him to validate me. He is supposed to enhance my life isnt he, not be the reason I live it.

Thanks all :) I am feeling much better now

@Menora can you be my counsellor??

Glad you feeling better! I think it’s ok to have been miffed by his change of attitude though especially if a U.K. break! Don’t be afraid to mention it again

@LivingMyBestLife2020 very wise words there. A question for the men on the board - do men think about women the same way a lot of us on here seem to think about men?? I am also guilty of thinking about my BF a lot. And how I can help him with any issues, when I can next see him, what we can do... I'm not sure if he spends the same amount of time thinking about me!!

@Menora your counselling sounds really positive. I'm an over thinker. And often guilty of putting others needs above my own (a by product of being a single mum?). Your comment about a team has really struck a chord with me.

@LivingMyBestLife2020, regarding not getting many replies, I think sometimes there is an ' issue' for one of the posters and it becomes the focus of the thread. And then someone posts something unrelated and it gets a bit lost. Or what they post reads more like a statement than asking for any specific feedback.
I think what you are feeling with Mr Technology all sounds normal. You like him, he seems interested and saying all the right things. You're at the stage of having to trust that things are as they seem and it's begun to matter that he's equally invested. Some guys are great at communication and others far less easy to read. But every time he texts or calls, turns up for a date and gives you his time and attention he is showing his interest. There is no short cut to commitment and trust. You've just got to be prepared to put yourself out there and be comforted in the knowledge that plenty of relationships thrive when both partners invest in it.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@LivingMyBestLife2020, regarding not getting many replies, I think sometimes there is an ' issue' for one of the posters and it becomes the focus of the thread. And then someone posts something unrelated and it gets a bit lost. Or what they post reads more like a statement than asking for any specific feedback.
I think what you are feeling with Mr Technology all sounds normal. You like him, he seems interested and saying all the right things. You're at the stage of having to trust that things are as they seem and it's begun to matter that he's equally invested. Some guys are great at communication and others far less easy to read. But every time he texts or calls, turns up for a date and gives you his time and attention he is showing his interest. There is no short cut to commitment and trust. You've just got to be prepared to put yourself out there and be comforted in the knowledge that plenty of relationships thrive when both partners invest in it.[/quote]
Thank you @Onesmallstep67 In person he is wonderful. He's always on time, gives me 100% his attention, is open, honest, caring, affectionate all the good stuff etc. Its that in between time and him not often making the plans that gives me mild anxiety. But I am over it now. You are right that every text he does send has taken effort and is giving attention so thank you for that :)

Lots to catch up on here, I always follow but don't often feel qualified to comment! dancer I'm glad you're staying and hope things conclude one way or the other with MrS- the limbo is terrible- though I have to say there are a few red flags waving. Im glad you've decided to focus on you a bit more, your posts are always kind and thought out, and you didn't deserve that comment at all. You have a lot going for you (we're similar age I think) and you should be very proud of how much you've overcome. Your ambition in particular always stands out to me!
Former overthinker here, I nodded along as I read this Tiger
I spend most of my life now metaphorically shrugging my shoulders and going ‘meh, who cares?’ then turning my thoughts to what to have for supper. but I'm always thinking about food
Living it read to me that he got distracted by his own thoughts re holiday, my bf can have a one-track mind and would do something like this. Now I just say something and steer the convo back, but it's hard in the early days!
Wise, wise words from menora of course, the team comment really hit home with me too.
I've waffled enough now!

I'm so pleased you're staying @Dancerinthemoonlight

What a great discussion about how we feel about ourselves. I've been reading up on attachment styles a lot lately and I'm definitely anxious. And it's something I know I really need to work on. I over think a lot too. I tried some counselling before lockdown but it just didn't seem to help. I think I need to find someone who can help specifically with attachment issues.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I struggle with the validation thing too. It's ridiculous because in other aspects of my life I feel independent and confident, but I find myself repeating this pattern in relationships. I know it's not healthy but I just seem to do it over and over.

I'm just trying to stay busy and distracted today while I work out what's next with Mr S.
Trying to eat properly today because I have lost a kilo since Sunday. Not that it's a bad thing as I'm trying to lose weight at the moment but it's a lot in a short space of time.
Still on the job hunt. Applied to a few but not hopeful about them.

I'm also liking the meh what's for tea attitude...thanks Tiger.

Glad you are staying dancer and I hope you are okay today?

My date went well, I think. He is really lacking on the texting front though, is good in person but doesn't seem very consistent with his messaging style. It's putting me off a little bit actually. No huge sparks as such, not sure if I will see him again or if he wants to....very hard to read this one.

I'm a terrible over thinker as well, but it gets me nowhere except making myself anxious so I'm not overthinking this one....

I was reading about the red flags of hot and cold and how I usually go for this, I read it's due to familiarity. Also coming from dysfunctional parents and being neglected it makes sense to me that this is my 'normal'. I'm trying to be more objective about myself and make some changes, it's difficult though.

[quote Welshmaenad]@LivingMyBestLife2020 I struggle with the validation thing too. It's ridiculous because in other aspects of my life I feel independent and confident, but I find myself repeating this pattern in relationships. I know it's not healthy but I just seem to do it over and over. [/quote]
@Welshmaenad This is so true! I like to think in real life (in the absence of any men) that I actually rock.
I am a single parent to a toddler, I work, I study, I provide a clean, fun and happy home life all whilst living with a serious health condition. My life is really hard some days and often I go to bed and give myself a high five as I know I've achieve more than the average joe that day! I I know my self worth.
Then it comes to relationships and I get in a tizz over a text message or worry he's gone off me because he's read a text and not replied. Its really silly when I look at it critically. I suppose its human nature to want validity though isn't it. Somebody else to give you that high five and say youv'e done well.

@crazycatlady how are you doing? Did you hear any more from your old iron.

As I said the other day about mine it's perplexing how they think they can drop you and then just casually breeze back in as if nothing has happened. I think mine probably doesn't want to think of himself as the bad guy. Mine was very good at the sob stories, I was thinking how much I tried to help him in the past, I got nothing from him that met my needs...just false promises and hot air!

This thread is a lifeline for me to see that a lot of us are dealing with the same feelings regarding communication, doubts, trust etc.

@bangheadhere40 this is Mr BlueEyes to a T:
He is really lacking on the texting front though, is good in person but doesn't seem very consistent with his messaging style
And it does bother me because the spark is there in spades when we meet and when we message but he can ignore a message for a day and annoy me all over again! I said it to him yesterday in a jokey ‘your communication skills need work’ kind of way and he was messaging loads last night but I know he won’t today -we are meeting Sunday so I’m going to say it to him directly.
I also struggle hugely with trust as we don’t see each other often ...like I think he’s seeing someone else , still on the apps dating loads of people who can see him more often ...none of this is based on anything other than my overthinking. When we are together or chatting he is so attentive and seems so into me. I probably need to raise the ‘seeing other people’ issue because if he is i think it’s a dealbreaker for me :(
I just worry it’s too soon to expect exclusivity but for me once sex and intimacy comes into it then I don’t want anyone else. I’m also afraid to raise it because if his answer is one I don’t want to hear I’ll have to end it when I really like him - my life was easier going through a marriage breakup in some ways than this second guessing

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I have a health condition/disability too. I feel like this has made me worse - I feel like it makes me even less desirable or valid and I cling to any validation I get in relationships. Yet in my daily life people say how well I manage, how strong and resilient I am.

It’s also been built in to women for a long time now that a relationship gives you social validation as well, it is more socially acceptable to be in a couple than a single parent. Parenting can also be undervalued and seen as an easy option (by non parents or parents who have opted for a hands off approach ie some non resident parents) day after day there is usually females but some males on this board feeling totally devalued under appreciated and we learn to suck this up, although we continue to look for it in other humans, we are conditioned through experience to feel it’s inevitably more likely to not find it than find it. So if we think we may have found it we so really try to hold onto it with everything to not lose it again.

‘Perhaps this person is the person who will recognise my worth, but to get there I seem to feel the need to put their needs first and show them how valuable I could be in their life’ (which doesn’t really make logical sense) so are we feeling like we have to prove ourselves all the time to other people and forget about what we need too? We are so used to meeting all of our own needs and then keep on giving more of ourselves away to others

Waffle over 😂

I’m also afraid to raise it because if his answer is one I don’t want to hear I’ll have to end it when I really like him

Being afraid of this is normal and happens to most people, you don’t want to lose the potential and start again but you lose so much more valuable time if you waste it waiting for the other person to show you signs and working out in your head if you are on the same page.

Anyone who would be scared away by an upfront and honest conversation is not someone you want as a partner or even a FWB.

By holding back from saying anything you are trying to delay a bad outcome for yourself but you feel rubbish and anxious about it the whole time anyway.

It’s ok to put yourself out of the misery of that way of thinking and put out your expectations and requests. it’s a risk and I know it’s really hard to do.

You have to weigh it up. Do you want to continue feeling like this and second guessing him for weeks or months? Or would you rather know your playing field?

I’m all for keeping things casual if both people agree that is what they want by mutual discussion.

@bangheadhere40 yes we are back in touch and he came over at the weekend. he has a lot of money worries at the min but started a new job yesterday so hopefully they will settle soon.

his communication is a lot better but I still feel very anxious at times. I dont think it's anything hes doing. I think it's me. I'm not coping very well with wfh, lack of distractions and of motivation for work. I should be working but just constantly waiting on a message. it's something I need to work on. I think I'll end up pushing him away tbh. we have arranged to meet saturday, do we really need to text lots before that??

I feel like one of the previous posters. I have a good job, I'm quite independent, and get on well with my day to day stuff. however I just want someone to share it with, some validation. i do have hobbies but not really been feeling them at the min, I'm not sure why so this isnt helping with trying to keep myself busy.

mr positive is also still texting and asking to meet. he keeps saying he'll not be 2nd best but continues to text. I really want to give mr big a good go, not sure its helpful having mr positive texting.

@Menora you are right of course. It’s crazy to think I should defer asking in case I don’t like the answer and meanwhile I get more and more invested...I’m already over invested! I’m going to tackle all my concerns this weekend and hope I come out the other side happy! He has always said he is looking for a relationship not ons or casual but I’m aware a lot say that and don’t really mean it!
I want something that’s going somewhere and exclusive so I need to remember my needs and articulate them. Big girl pants and all that

@ZoZoBo I am with you on this. We haven't had the whole exclusivity chat but I have told him I am not seeing or talking to anyone else, nor am I looking. He said, same here, but you never know do you! Every
time he tells me he's meeting a friend for a drink, lunch etc I automatically assume its a date he's going on rather than he's catching up with friends he hasnt seen in months. Same with messages. He'll read and not reply but has been online since and I automatically assume he's texting other women when he's probably arranging a cycle meet up or something! It is sooooo hard but I am doing my best to go with the old, meh, scenario :)

@Welshmaenad Its sucks doesn't it. Mine is "invisible" and I do a bloody good job of keeping it that way. I'm really unwell at the minute and had hidden it from Mr Technology. I told him about a week or so ago about my illness but I didnt go into details or tell him how ill I currently am. He never asked questions so i've left it at that. I would normally tell somebody early on but I have managed this particular flare and continued my life quite well so don't feel I should be defined by my illness with Mr Technology. I may have to be more upfront going forward as it will become clear if he stays over or we go away together, so maybe its for the best that we dont plan a trip.

@Menora You are spot on as ever!

For me the messages/communication thing is mainly being pissed off at feeling I’m taking the “mental load” at an early stage?

it’s not technically wifework if it’s dating, but I HATE feeling like the responsibility for scheduling and maintaining contact is my “job” because I have a vagina.

In a way it’s even worse if you’re not a nuclear family or a couple because the sexism is even more evident - even if you’re living seperately or independently, the assumption that man is entitled to use time to concentrate on his career and life, woman on “keeping the relationship going”.

I’m very sleepy so excuse my ranty tone. I’ll be better after nap and coffee.

@LivingMyBestLife2020

Yeh I had a similar cock-up with my front runner where he was kind of suggesting we go away? I mean I’d mentioned I was going solo and he seemed very keen on doing something together

then it looked like I was gonna be stuck doing the chasing/organising (and being expected to present my planning to him to see if he ok’d it and wait for his reply/check on his diary? I’m his date not a PA?)

then I just got fed up, but I’ve gone to the original plan and have myself a nice little cheap staycation solo now so at him .

Genuinely don’t think he was badly intentioned, maybe just busy, but it was REALLY frustrating.

Dancer try hot sweet tea

Welcome @Babypiggy

@Bunkbedpeople I am going to do the same. It started with him dropping hints about wanting to get away but not fancying going alone. He never asked me so I eventually made the suggestion that we go together which he seemed really pleased about. We talked about a few places and he said he'd have a look into it. So I mentioned it last night and that's where the conversation ended. I think i'll book a little break for myself and my son at the end of August. He can plan his own break or up his game if he'd like to go on one with me :)

@bunkbedpeople I don't have sugar in my tea unfortunately. I have managed a small apple, a chai latte, a peppermint tea and a packet of crisps so far.

I'm tired but I can't sleep, I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I just want to go back a week and a half ago when we spent the entire Saturday together.

Mr S knows where I stand and what I want, unless he can give me what I want then the answer will be goodbye. I don't want it to come to that but I need and want someone who is going to support me, who wants me to meet their friends, who can look past my imperfections, who wants to go out on dates rather than just getting into the habit of staying in all the time. I need to be able to tell them that I'm overthinking something or that I miss them or what I'm doing in my day or how I'm feeling.

It's just a waiting game to see if he thinks that he can give me what I want/need. I know everyone has said not to give him all the power but I don't think I have by making my expectations clear

@Dancerinthemoonlight I am glad you're staying with the thread, and @Menora's suggestions for finding lower cost counselling are good ones. My counsellor does a sort of sliding scale of fees according to income.

I lurk a bit on this thread - lots of new people here which is good! I've been with Mr BC for 16 months now - where has the time gone?! Still all loved up 😍😂