Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
You could just say that doesnt work for you and suggest a place that does or wait for him to suggest a different place (thats if you want to meet him)

I'm all for blocking but when men arent told what they've done wrong they dont change for the next person so they carry on being useless at dating and its not like they speak to their mates to get their opinion.

Its not our job to change men but some have no clue and a bit of guidance might help.

I responded saying I was thinking more closer to me and he got in a bit of a strop that London was already half way and why wouldn't I do half way aswell. I asked him where he lives other than outside London. It would be going out of both our ways to meet in London. I'm going to take a wild guess that he probably works there and wants to meet after work. I have suggested a few locations that are half way between but as he has already disappeared once while arranging the first meet so i'm not holding my breath

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Throwing a strop already isnt very helpful and if this is him on his best behaviour it doesnt bode well.

Remember your boundaries....

@Dancerinthemoonlight I don’t think this is going to work out if you’re both an hour outside London. If you do start dating it would be two hours apart - just not feasible especially as he’s already being a twat. I would just send a polite ‘I don’t think this is going to work out, we live too far away. Good luck message’.

Interesting conversation on the sexual health thing. I've been guilty of being lax and raised it with my current partner and he was full of respect for me for making a big deal out of it. We have had unprotected sex before but I made a clear point that we both need to be on the same page with sexual health and get tested.

@StealthNinjaMum he isn't even an hour away from me. I don't think he has looked up where I live on a map and thinks I live somewhere completely different I literally did a 3 minutes Google search and came up with a few places that are half way between us. I think he probably works in London so it's easier for him to say meet there. He is just being lazy so if I haven't heard by tonight I will send him a nice message and block

I don’t have anything against a long distance thing in principle (actually might suit my lifestyle more right now).

A weekend away somewhere different can be quite fun.

But someone being stroppy/lazy/manipulative/early boundary testing is just a complete turn-off.

I think I know the answer to this one but just checking in with you wise lot.

Taking inspiration from @Dancerinthemoonlight and improved boundaries...
If I've decided that my ideal man has good practical skills then it's ok and good practice to discard someone who is in the least bit practical right? Or might I discover a gem in a guy who is different to what I thought I wanted...?

That figures that out, he works in London so essentially he is wanting the easy option of meeting me after work at a place that suits him and not putting the effort in. I will send him the I don't think it will work out message because he is already being stroppy and lazy

@ruralbliss what sort of practical skills are you looking for.

The boundaries I'm putting in place are more about me being a people pleaser and bending over backwards to always travel to a man's area. I'm wanting a man that makes more of an effort. To me it doesn't meant that I'm not willing to travel to the man's area but he also has to be willing to meet in my immediate area and half way

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Yes I agree that meeting halfway you are being very considerate ....Mr Manc lives an hour from me and both times he's come to me although I did offer to meet halfway. It's just basic good manners so you are well rid I reckon

@Dancerinthemoonlight good work on raising your standards. He's already thrown a strop. At this stage that's an unmatch from me. No need to be nice about it or wait for him to come back to you. He's suggested meeting somewhere an hour from you and you've said it's not convenient.

Back on the apps since last night :/ loads of matches and messages-few chats going on but not feeling it tbh. No one really piqueing my interest yet but it’s early days I suppose.
I’m still sad that things just faded with Mr BlueEyes but loads of the posts up above mention things that he has done or not done and I was definitely blinded to a lot as @Menora mentioned.
I haven’t sent him a message yet don’t know if I should bother and instead wait and see if he comes back - what do you wise ones think?

Yeh I think it’s just “showing willing” on the first meet?

I get people are busy. I think it’s good to take each situation on it’s own merits and not be too rigid.

But also if someone is hugely stressed and struggling for time at a particular stage in their life, then it’s silly to expect a complete stranger to have to change their schedule to fit theirs?

When I had crucial exams and was ill I knew I wasn’t going to be able to prioritise anyone but myself.....so I just didn’t go out dating and did yoga and stuff?

The other thing is I think some people like to set up a controlling dynamic - if they can start an interaction with the other person changing their schedule/coming out at the last minute/waiting around for them then they can manipulate them.

As I’ve got a bit older I’ve got more confident about saying if I’m uncomfortable (eg “that’s too far or too late or that’s a bit weird”) and it is clear how some people will immediately invalidate my feeling uncomfortable

We’re all looking for love and connection, but some people just aren’t very nice!

@ZoZoBo

I get where you’re coming from (we all have THAT one who gets under our skin - I still think all the time about my completely inappropriately MrMilitary )

but I think I’d leave contacting him for a while.

At least till you’ve had a couple more meets/dates/contacts under your belt.

If he doesn’t give you the reply or support you desire, you’ll just end up feeling really shit?

(That said, I wouldn’t beat yourself up if you do - even the most rational and boundaried of us do the whole crazy late night messages from time to time!)

Hi everyone I'm back again! So after getting rid of Mr Local for being weird and telling Mr Northern it isn't going to work (although he still talks to me daily!) I'm now talking Mr Recruitment. He's lovely and we talk a lot, as much as him working in line with the US time zones allows anyway, and I've met him twice. Last time we met things went a bit further than kissing but we didn't dtd but we did discuss that we both wanted to and he said if I still felt the same next time then we could but he didn't want me to regret anything in the moment which I thought was very nice of him.
My main concern is that both dates have been at my house and we've spent the whole time cuddling and watching tv etc although have spoken about going out he's very cautious of covid. He said it takes 5-10 times of meeting someone to know whether it's something you want to pursue but he's definitely happy to keep seeing me. Is this going to end in disaster? Am I going to catch feelings and he's just getting the fun stuff without any commitment? I can already see myself liking him and I know it's too early to have that conversation and it's all just giving me terrible anxiety. Please tell me that this is okay and I'm not setting myself up to get hurt?!

Hey. So my matches are taking themselves out of the priority list atm. 1 it transpired had an affair with someone much younger and that didn't work out. He's still in the family home and there's obvious fallout and there he is online dating. What is wrong with people?. Another got in a strop when I didn't reply for one evening. One is a really alternative sort, actually a really nice man but probably too far out there for me. Then finally someone who is pretty relaxed, similar interests to me. Supposed to talk tonight and meet on sat. Who knows.... the last phone date I had was like dragging fingernails down a chalkboard. So we'll see.

@spacegiel265,

Have you never had a proper date with him? How did it transpire that you ended up at your house..seems very quick and not something I would be comfortable with as its your space.I also think in 5-10mins you might know if you are attracted to someone but no way do you know them.

I think you need to slow it down and go on dates

@spacegirl295 terrible anxiety in me typicallt is my body telling me something my brain hasn't caught up with yet. My suggestion, slow it down. Ask to meet outside. It can be a coffee and a walk. Whatever. Your terms

Today was not a good day.

Spent the evening last night with Mr Swan (I cooked then we watched Red Sparrow) and we are off out tomorrow with mutual friends too. We are going to Glasgow and an old iron who wants to be FWB wanted me to go over there after but I'm just going to drive and come home, besides I'm also driving Mr Swan

Mr travel writer was due to come over for dinner tonight (planned Monday, chatted, I sent him some nice pictures, he barely said anything about them so I didn't message this week, neither did he) today came, still no message and nothing to say he's not coming over. So I went out to church (open for prayer) my friends. We ended up booking a holiday for 13 days from now.
I think I'm done, 3 month casual thing or not, that's pretty shit so yeah he just lost the prize.

I also got a message from an iron that ghosted after our first date 6 weeks ago trying to apologise/give a reason ... I think he was Mr Beach hut. I was kind but basically said I have an issue with disrespect. He read it then blocked me. Good riddance.

I'm getting suspicious that Miss Honey has no intention of meeting so I'm making a deadline... no meet by next Wednesday I'm moving on.

I got tinder gold 1014 likes... I matched with 8 only. That's it. One seems lovely and we've talked about a walk potentially followed by food if we get along on Saturday afternoon, he's very light on messaging but I like his smile. I'll call him Mr Red

I'm not sure if people remember but a couple of days ago i bumped into someone i'd been chatting to and wasn't sure if i should message him. Well I didn't. I left it up to him and he got in contact today to arrange our 'date'
Well my god is he cute, even more cute up close!! It's never going to be a serious relationship for various reasons but he was polite and respectful and did I mention cute so hopefully will meet up with him again in a week or so :D

I have had a few new matches today. Swiped through the rest of matches on tinder but only swipes right on a handful.
Had a phonecall with an iron I was going to call Mr Dancer but it just felt like I was talking to an ex and not in a good way. In an i can't believe a word that come out of your mouth. He claims to have the same hidden disability as I have but couldn't say which type out of 13 he has; claimed to have 2 different types which is impossible, didn't know the name of the specialist who diagnoses you when there are only 2 in our area and I have seen them both. Nothing he was telling me was adding up to be true.

Currently talking to a rather nice doctor on tinder, if it goes anywhere I will give him a name. He isn't my usual 'type' looks wise but he is still attractive.

Hey all
Sadly no news here. I have had 1 person on bumble reply to my message before it timed out and he just wants to meet straight away. I've made it clear that that makes me uncomfortable but he just keeps banging on about being 32 and wanting something serious. I can't decide whether he is serious or that is a big red flag.

I deleted all my matches in tinder to have a fresh start but so far no luck at all with getting something to reply to messages.

Thanks @SortingItOut but I think it wasn’t self worth at play, though I did wonder what she might see in me, ultimately I was struggling to expand the conversation with her and didn’t think it had legs. I sent a nice message, I thought, to say I enjoyed her company, so that’s now that.

How was the phone date @supercali77 ? I really don’t like them.

@ZoZoBo Did I miss something about MrBlueEyes ? Did that spark and fizzle ? And he then pulled back ? I’m very wary of this dynamic. It feels healthier to explore the foundations of things first and park the attraction for a bit but I can see this might appear standoff-ish.

Speaking of which MissTerrific is coming over this weekend for an activity and food - I reversed my decision earlier in the thread in order to see what friendship looked like with her. And it looks a lot like flirting and dating

@HairyArsedMan yes it seemed to be fizzling out on his side, no effort with comms, no plans being made - I asked him to tell me if he wasn’t into it and he said he was but has not shown that. I last messaged Monday and decided to leave it then to see if he bothers and he hasn’t so I have my answer

I’m interested in your comment about exploring the foundations first ...what would this look like? If I’m going to be starting again I want to protect myself from the intensity of rushing in while also building that attraction.

And I think I missed your update on Miss terrific -why friendship? Is that a way of holding back a bit or are there other things at play?