Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Oh FFS this is why I struggle with MN sometimes, the open season attitude to shredding people's lives when they have opened up about something.
@Dancerinthemoonlight, please don't allow one person's inaccurate appraisal of what you have been through in the last few days to cause you to leave. Please only focus on the support you have received. All of the regular posters are here for you and I hope/think you know that.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Thanks for coming back dancer.

Being part of the overthinkers club is a nightmare but adds to who we are as people

@Dancerinthemoonlight I’m so glad you’re back . Please keep posting if it helps you at all.

@dancerinthemoonlight please dont leave because of 1 comment. I like hearing ur advice. everyone's situations are different and it's hard to get across on text. sometimes you need to go with ur heart. I know, I'm there now. Did Mr S get back to you last night?

@bangheadhere40 how did ur date go?

Sorry @Menora I really didn't mean to make you feel like that. My advice really does come from a good place and I am leaning, I hope, to be kinder/softer in my approach. I find it very difficult when I can see someone walking into a situation you know is going to cause them pain. Because I've been there and I can look back and see the song a with hindsight and wish I'd not been in some positions. But the last thing I want is for that person to feel attacked and unsupported. Particularly in a place they have been relying on to feel supported.

For that reason please don't leave the thread @Dancerinthemoonlight I think you probably need the support on here right now. I was wondering about you all last night and how things went with Mr S.

@Notcoolmum
No don’t worry as I was doing stupid things 😂

Dancer I recall you saying about a counselling waiting list, can you afford to pay? As MIND usually don’t have a long list for paid counselling

Long time lurker but felt like I had to post something re @Dancerinthemoonlight.

Firstly this post has nothing but given me good advice and support where needed which is the purpose of the thread and maybe more for those who don’t have RL support.
I can understand where @Savvymymmy was coming from but it was poorly and cruelty directed. As someone who has worked with abused and trauma victims I understand how the boundaries can be blurred and the world of OLD is tough enough as it is for those of us who are strong let alone anyone who is fragile .
@Dancerinthemoonlight I hope you can come back and if you haven’t already gain some counselling to deal with boundaries and how people may abuse them .
Will continue to lurk and occasionally post as this is a valuable spread which should only be full of positivity and support 😀

I agree that the post was probably well meaning but it did come across a bit brutal. The short, sharp, shock approach doesn't really help I don't think.
@Dancerinthemoonlight I think you being here will help. There are a lot of wise posters who do care.
Yes, you do leap in, but hey sometimes that works. Sometimes it's easier to comment from the outside looking in so thats what the thread is for.
Spill it here and you'll be gently guided.
We all need it.

I overthink massively. Its ridiculous. I send a text then 10 mins later think omg what if he takes that the wrong way ?? I'm trying not to, I'm trying to take some of the excellent advice I read here daily. Dont leave x

How did it go ? Did you talk, do you want to say what happened?

Just to address some of @Savvymymmy comments. I never slept on the floor or said I did, I had a nap that afternoon and could t sleep and so I didn't disturb him I got out of bed and sat on the floor.
I went on one date with Mr USA and I never even met the man who accused me of being racist.

@Menora unfortunately I can't afford it at the moment as I'm looking for a new job as all my self employed work dried up because of the industry I'm in and covid-19

@Dancerinthemoonlight you dont have to justify yourself. I remember your comment. You said you were sitting on the floor in his hoodie and yes we know you didnt meet the guy who accused you of being racist. You merely shared his messages with the thread as you were appalled.
Dont worry.

Re the overthinking if anyone wants help with this 😂

I had 10 sessions with a counsellor over the last few months which massively helped me

Also I realised the reasons I was overthinking was because I didn’t value myself and therefore was always assuming other people didn’t value me either - often I was right though. I would overlook red flags and selfish behaviour with a load of excuses and put the blame all back on myself - I was over thinking, I was anxious, I was looking for problems. When no actually I was too afraid to raise a problem or my feelings with that person and therefore bottling it all in. With Mr M I was always frustrated with things not going the way I thought they should be going. I tried to change myself a lot to mould to that person and quickly they became so valuable to me that everything seemed to depend on how they felt and their actions. I wasn’t able to separate their value from my own.

You know how 2 people are individually valuable and then together you make a good team? Well when you don’t value yourself, there is no team. The other person has all the power and is the ‘leader’ because you are constantly letting them lead the way, make decisions and it’s all based on fear of losing them. If you lose that person, it cements that you are not good enough.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Is there any way you can contact them for a reduced rate? Mine said they would do it for less for people on a low income. I also contacted a charity for abuse survivors and I am on a waiting list (it is free). I also had free counselling via a women’s charity before too. Is there anything locally? I can try to help you. Not pushing it on you so tell me to bugger off, but I worry you are struggling with your family in the meantime and no real life support - your friends were not very kind to you about Mr S recently as well

Re overthinking. This is something I did massively in my 20s, it was painful and exhausting. After a family tragedy I spent literally two years in a whirlpool of thoughts and got precisely nowhere until I had a blinding glimpse of the obvious: ‘shit happens’. This helped!

My point is that I’ve found overthinking fades with determination and also age, thank goodness. I spend most of my life now metaphorically shrugging my shoulders and going ‘meh, who cares?’ then turning my thoughts to what to have for supper.

Sorry, crossposted with @Menora whose advice is much more on point I think!

I had to go right back to why I was scared of being alone and rejection. It was no nurturing from my parents. I think that’s why when Mr R came on the scene as a friend I was so drawn to his caring nurturing side. He is absolutely not my ‘usual’ type physically at all and in the past I would have been so bored of him by now and passed him over as too nice and not exciting enough. I had got really addicted for 25 years to the thrill of drama in relationships too and all the ups and downs

Good morning all. Just to echo the other posters @Dancerinthemoonlight, please stay. I think its very important for you to keep speaking and getting excellent advice.

I've come for some advice this morning. I am having a mini wobble and I don't know why. Things are going well with Mr Technology. I realised yesterday that I had the start of some real feelings. Was unsure whether to tell him as he's pretty closed but I did and he said he felt the same so that was great :)

We'd spoken about having a weekend away so I brought it up over text last night. He asked where I fancied and then quickly changed the subject to his main holiday and how he couldn't decide where to take himself then said he'd probably not bother due to Covid. He said he thought any trips away anywhere were pointless this year. It just kind of stopped the conversation dead. I tried to bring it back with a joke about silly tan lines wearing a mask but it was done. I left it and sent nothing else last night. Additionally to that, he loves to travel and has been all over the world. I have a young son so upping and travelling isn't something I can easily do and whilst we haven't spoken about it yet, it does worry me. Then on the flipside he has told me a couple of times that he's looking to settle down with a family now.

I know it sounds really petty. I know you can misread text messages. I know he is crap at texting. I just feel a bit wobbly now. I don't want to get hurt. I am scared to see where this goes but I want to. I think I need a good old MN shake and someone to tell me to pull myself together.

I didn't want to text him this morning for some reason. I have a tiny bit of anxiety and I don't know why, there is no reason other than me reading too much into a silly text message and my own anxieties. I feel scared like I want to start backing away when actually, I really want to see where it goes. I did text him a good morning in the end.

I just wish I could shake these ridiculous and uncompounded anxieties. Someone please tell me this is normal early on? Someone tell me to give my head a wobble. I know I need to relax and let it unfold slowly and carefully i'm just struggling with that today.

Thanks all and sorry for the boring post.

Thats really useful from both of you thank you.
@Menora that last paragraph about being a team resonates with me.
Hmm lots to think about.

I worry that I'm literally putting all my eggs in Mr Ps basket. He's been away for 2 weeks with his children and elderly father and instead of using the time to spend with my own children or just do what I want, work on me etc I have, if I'm truthful moped around and counted the days. Its not good. I know I'm doing it. I'm being far too needy and dependent on him.
I can give advice out but I'm shit at taking it !!!!!

I don’t think it’s unfounded entirely
You spoke about going away together and he’s shut it down by saying he might not bother?
A lot of people are wary about travelling and getting stuck somewhere so I understand that part, did you talk about going away in the U.K. or abroad though?

Well Clover you admitted it to yourself now so get yourself motivated with a project maybe? I found focusing on projects in the house or something really made me happy and proud of my achievements and took my mind off everything else! Also every time you do something like that you feel a surge of your own value and self worth. You need to build yourself up

Don’t put him on a pedestal, he might not even know he is on it. Some people like having the power and leading and some are freaked out by it and the responsibility of all the feelings. Think how you would feel in his shoes?

@Dancerinthemoonlight so pleased you’re back with us all gentle, slow steps my lovely, one persons ill thought out words can really hurt but remember most of us here are looking after each other and watching each other’s backs.

Over thinkers of the world unite!! I am the queen! @Clovertoast I can so relate to what you say! It’s weird but I’ve learnt my best texts are actually the ones I don’t think about and afterwards I think ‘ wow damn it Half, that was one hell of a great text’ , it’s the ones I think about, compose for hours and then finally decide to send that I then regret!

@menora your advice is always so spot on - oh for your wise brain!

I’m in my mid 50s and heading for another birthday next week and my main problem is I feel life is slipping me by and I’m still searching for that special person! A failed marriage and a failed long term relationship both of which I was right royally dumped from for a younger model have certainly not helped my self esteem.

A ‘friend’ recently said to me ‘Half, maybe you need to lower your standards and stop going for the good looking guys’, I’m still not sure what she meant by this, how can I change the sort of people I find attractive and anyway, what does that comment say about me, does she mean I’m shallow. Argh! Thank heavens for this thread!

It’s not a bad idea to widen your search and maybe focus on their personality and letting attraction grow through them being a nice person? There has to be some level of attraction though 😂

@TigerDater hahaha! Don’t think age has helped me with my overthinking sadly!!

@Clovertoast - “I can give advice out but I’m shit at taking it’ - oh yes, I can relate. I can chat for mates for ages telling the what they maybe should or shouldn’t do or how I see their relationships going but I don’t believe it or listen when I say it to myself!!

Don't lower your standards @HalfDutchGirl, raise them! Why shouldn't you be with someone lovely, attractive - and loyal? You deserve happiness.

@cravingthelook good luck for your date today with Mr Sky!
@Dancerinthemoonlight we're all on a journey and all vulnerable. We're rooting for you to find happiness.

Hmm so today's overthinking. Mr.P is heading home today and is down as he hasnt enjoyed the holiday, crap weather and accommodation etc plus he gets sad when he hands the kids back.
I've been so looking forward to him coming home and yet he will be down and sad when I see him ! I just sent him a text saying i understand how he feels and being supportive etc but he's read it and ignored it.
So now I'm stuck thinking oh, well he's just going to be miserable with me whats the point !!! I feel selfish resenting coming second to his kids. Someone wobble my head !!!!