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Husband's affair advice needed

(801 Posts)
Clarrie59 Wed 15-Jul-20 14:12:59

I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

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Anordinarymum Wed 15-Jul-20 14:16:07

Well they are not sparing your feelings are they ?

How horrible for you to be on the sidelines watching their relationship play itself out.

If she won't leave then he should, that is if he values you at all.

ravenmum Wed 15-Jul-20 14:17:25

He decided for her, that she would leave the firm? How did he do that?

If they want to be together, not being in the same office won't stop them.

Dozer Wed 15-Jul-20 14:17:59

You’ve tolerated a year long affair: your H clearly thinks you’ll tolerate this too.

He thinks SHE should leave her job? He is the one who should be job seeking.

Clarrie59 Wed 15-Jul-20 14:21:34

He says he has finished with her Ordinarymum, and that he wants to stay with me, but he also says they can work together and be platonic friends from now on which I was dubious about until I saw the 'hug and kiss' email.
She's just going to rekindle it all if she feels like it isn't she?

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Msonamission Wed 15-Jul-20 14:21:53

So sorry you've had to experience this.
No, it most definitely is not ending the relationship. By her saying that, she is trying to retain him as her go-to when she's needy. I do hope he tells her that this sort of continued contact is not possible.

Clarrie59 Wed 15-Jul-20 14:22:47

He doesn't expect her to leave her job. They are both saying they can go back to being friends. It's me that doubts it.

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Dozer Wed 15-Jul-20 14:23:12

He hasn’t even agreed to stop being ‘friends’ with her?

Wise up! LTB.

onlyk Wed 15-Jul-20 14:23:20

You have no control over what the OW does and would be surprised in the current climate if she’d leave her job.

Your DH should be looking to change jobs if you no longer want them to have any contact.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 15-Jul-20 14:25:42

He doesn't expect her to leave her job. They are both saying they can go back to being friends. It's me that doubts it.


OP, the more normal sentence you'd come out with in this situation is - 'If you so much as dare to contact her again, at any time, for any reason, the divorce papers will be in front of you so fast you won't know what hit you. Friends? Go fuck yourself'

MashedPotatoBrainz Wed 15-Jul-20 14:26:33

Your DH doesn't want to cut all contact with her. He's taking the piss and isn't serious about fixing your marriage. He's just stringing you along.

Beachlovingirl Wed 15-Jul-20 14:27:41

If they stay working together, what about work drinks? They will always have something between them. It will be very messy. He needs to leave and make a hard break. Block her on all things, never have any contact again.
Remember though when her name is a character on tv or something, it will be awkward for a very long time, the little reminders can really get to you.

Greenkit Wed 15-Jul-20 14:28:19

This is classic, 'Oh shit I got caught, never mind we can just stop the fucking and be friends' 'You will be ok with that wont you wife?'

Seriously he needs to get himself another job and never contact her ever again, not for anything. Or he leaves!

Cantpickausername5 Wed 15-Jul-20 14:29:18

Your absolutely deluding yourself if you think you can ever trust him to work and be close with her and not have them rekindle thing. The absolute basics, and I mean basics, of forgiving an affair is that he has to leave his job not her, block her everywhere phone, social media ect and an open phone policy. Otherwise he is making an absolute fool of you. How can you ever feel safe and secure in your relationship otherwise. You will tourture your self completely. I'm actually surprised your considering this as an option

somewomenneedaslap Wed 15-Jul-20 14:29:19

What planet is this man on! He can't be friends with his affair partner! The affair is definitely still going on emotionally. Why are you accepting this OP? Where's your anger?

Clarrie59 Wed 15-Jul-20 14:30:02

She still doesn't know I know about the affair. He wants to tell her himself that I know.
She is a family friend. She and her DH have been on holiday with us. I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him.

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hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jul-20 14:31:16

Wow - and you are settling for this crap?
Do you have DC together?
Are you reliant on him financially?
He's making no effort at all.
They absolutely cannot continue to work together if you want your marriage to work.
Does she have a husband?

Msonamission Wed 15-Jul-20 14:31:32

I seriously wonder what is wrong with a woman who wants a hug and a kiss from a man who she knows is married. confused How are you going to play this, Clarrie? You need to get smart ... as they have both played you for far too long.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 15-Jul-20 14:31:46

You shouldn't be taking responsibility for sorting out his mess. Not only has he cheated on you, he's not taking charge of trying to clean up his mess. The infidelity is bad enough, but the minimising of the effect on you would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Starlight39 Wed 15-Jul-20 14:33:58

No, no, no. They can't carry on working together - if he had a shred of respect left for you he wouldn't expect you to deal with that! And they aren't even saying they will cut all contact other than professional, they'll "just be friends"?? You just can't be expected to stay with him and deal with all that. That's even without the "hug and kiss" email which is the nail in the coffin!

My ex had an affair with someone in our local pub and said he'd carry on going there (without me) and I'd "have to" trust him. Tbh, it just demonstrated how seriously he took the whole thing and how little he cared about my feelings. I took the decision out of his hands and left him.

MashedPotatoBrainz Wed 15-Jul-20 14:34:09

I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him.

Why does he get to decide? Why is it better coming from him? To save her feelings? Fuck that shit. Tell her husband what they've been up to. And stop letting your husband pull your strings.

GilbertMarkham Wed 15-Jul-20 14:34:18

Well your "d" clearly thinks you're a doormat.

There doesn't even seem to be a hint of a suggestion here that you'll not stay with him ...he's not scared at all, is he?

Beachlovingirl Wed 15-Jul-20 14:34:46

I can’t help thinking there is a definite imbalance of power in this relationship. Time for you to correct that op, he’s lucky to have you - not the other way around.

Tappering Wed 15-Jul-20 14:35:54

Why are you letting him make all the decisions here? He lost his veto when he went and stuck his dick in the family friend.

TELL your H that if he wants his marriage to have even the slightest chance of survival then he needs to not see this woman again. There's no such thing as platonic friends with someone he's had a secrete affair with. And that means that either she leaves the firm or he does if she isn't.

Secondly TELL your H that he's got 24hrs to tell his lady love that you know about their affair, and that she needs to tell her husband, because if they don't then you will.

End of discussion.

Clarrie59 Wed 15-Jul-20 14:35:57

I am angry and upset. Well devastated really. Yes we have children. So does she - and a DH of her own. Throughout all this she's been contacting me for example she sent me a photo of my DH at work and captioned it 'home soon after a long day'. I feel totally blindsided.
But she has told my DH she cannot carry on with the affair because her family are suspicious although she will still work with him just as a colleague and hopes he will give her a hug and a kiss if she needs it (in the email).
I am in bits.

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