Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

He wants to go and meet her? Yes, so they can have a really tearful and tender parting where they both have a good old weep about how hard done by they are.

Fuck that.

If he wants to save his marriage then he should have been texting her straight away. The fact that he's now trying to minimise things is because he's realised he doesn't want to spend his comfy little life and go through the trauma and expense of being divorced for his infidelity. And he wants to stay friends with her so that the door is open for him to start fucking her again if he gets the opportunity.

Find your anger and use it. Stop letting him take charge over what's happening and tell him what you are going to do.

Bless you OP.
It is a truly shit time.
And right now you will be in shock and finding all this way too surreal to understand.
Give yourself some space.
Could you leave for a couple of days?
Leave him to it?

OP I'm so sorry you're in this situation. As all PPs have said, you deserve so much better.

If I was you I'd call your sister and have her chuck the adulterous woman out of her flat. I'd call her DH and tell him that his suspicions were right. And if your H wants to meet her then fine. But you will be there as well.

Honestly OP, I've been where you are, his tears and all. It didn't stop him doing it again. And again. And again. And again. I divorced him. Save yourself the pain and get rid now.

What an extraordinary set-up.

She hasn't 'left' him - she isn't married to him.

She ended it, and they did lots of ugly crying and pledged their troth, but agreed it should end, and he came home and let you catch him doing some more snotting and now he thinks he needs to see her so he can say it's over (again) and they can do a spot more emoting. Beautiful. Perhaps she'll send you a picture of that, too.

And if she wants to meet up and confirm it's over? And he wants to meet up just to draw a line under it? And then she wants to definitely call it a day?

This is mental. Leave him. Don't look back.

I know your in shock Carrie, I’ve been there believe me
So why are you not hitting the roof, tell him to go
Even for a few days (hotels are open now) you need space from him, not pretending nothing as happened and cooking his tea and going to bed because of the kids, they might ask questions
Tell them anything, it’s your mental heath and sanity here your talking about

Aghhhhh. So angry on your behalf, I’d throw him through the door. How dare he destroy your life

So he’s been sleeping with YOUR FRIEND, not just once but REPEATEDLY for a WHOLE YEAR. He’s told you that HE LOVES HER and CRIED OVER HER in front of you. He won’t let you tell her you know, let alone her husband because HE IS WORRIED ABOUT HER GETTING UPSET/IN TROUBLE. He is more bothered about how SHE FEELS than how you feel.

Come on lovely, pick up your smashed self esteem and your pride. As things stand how on earth can you carry on with this sham of a marriage and this lying, cheating, uncaring husband? How many times must he have lied to you over the last twelve months.. I wonder if lockdown stopped it? Probably would have carried on otherwise.

Whatever happens from now on, YOU decide what you do and who you tell. It’s not his decision. He made the decision to shag one of your friends and now he has to deal with whatever fallout that brings. But personally I think only a complete fool would take him back. You’re reeling now, I’m sure, and so hurt. Talk to friends and family, lean on them, see what they think. Mull things over and then decide what to do. But don’t let him tell you what’s best. What does he know? He thought shagging someone else was the best thing to do!

What you thought you had is gone. You now know your husband loves another woman, to the point of crying over her ending it - and she only ended it because people were becoming suspicious, not because she was wronging her husband and you. This is a YEAR of deceit, not a drunken one night stand.

Oh fk I wouldn't be the sort of person who this scenario would go smoothly with, idgk scorched earth .. I'd contact her and her husband and tell them they had the day to get the fuck out of my sister's property in France or I'd contact the police and say they had the keys a d were using it without permission, and I wanted them to out. If she complained it tell.hwr, I as sure she would be resourceful enough to find some accommodation or early flights back - since she wax resourcefuk enough in having an affair with my husband behind my and her husband's backs. If I had any way of contacting her DH, I'd tell.him why I wanted them out of the property and exactly what she'd been doing.

I'll tell my "d" h if he had a problem with ant of this, he could leave my fkg house and stay wherever he found to lay his skanky ass.

Then I'd decide what to do about my "marriage".

He says no-one at work knows about it (?) in fact no-one knows about it except me.

They always think this, OP. Even when the affair is utterly blatant to everyone at work, they still believe that they are somehow being clever and able to hide it.

I assume you are in shock at your DH telling you straight to your face that he is devastated by the loss of his relationship with someone else and that her love was the only thing keeping him going. He told you in the most callous way possible that he doesn't love you or value your marriage.

He then backed down (a bit) when he'd had time to think but it's quite clear this affair is going to restart. If she's ended it, why on earth does he need to see her to tell her he's ending it too? Let alone in person? They are attempting to con you and themselves into believing that it can just be over and they can go back to being pals and no-one is any the wiser. No-one except you, who is expected to carry this devastating secret alone for them. Just as @hellsbellsmelons says, you don't owe them that.

If he seriously wants his marriage to work, he needs to leave that job. And have no contact with her ever again. Is he not asking you what you want to happen now, how he can make amends? Is he just assuming you will accept any old shit from him? If so, why?

And yes, he cares more about her than you. I want you to see the reality here OP.

So, her husband doesn’t know, she doesn’t know and your dh expects you to keep it a secret? To hell with that!
Go tell the dh 💥 she’s a bitch for sending that photo. You need to kick your not so ‘d’ h out on his arse, first class ticket one way to dumpsville.

Jesus Christ what am I reading?
You must be absolutely in shock OP to be calmly writing how he was fucking crying because his fancy woman had ended their affair and he had the bare faced cheek to cry to you, his faithful wife about it. Its unbelievable.
Is he really expecting you to accept all of this because you would be mad to stay married to such a scum bag.
I would be turning up on her doorstep to tell her you know what's been going on and tell her husband what's been going on. Then tell your piss taking husband to sling his hook

@Clarrie59

She still doesn't know I know about the affair. He wants to tell her himself that I know. She is a family friend. She and her DH have been on holiday with us. I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him.

Of course he wants to keep you seperate!

Of course he wants you to keep him warm and his ego stoked while he gets over his heartbreak- who would want to do that alone?

Bloody hell OP. How awful.

Yes that’s what you WANT
couple, kids, nice house, friends
HE wants HER and is crying because it’s ENDED by HER because HER LIES were getting
Too much and she was near getting found out
YOUR HUSBAND LOVES HER
how does that make you feel ?

I want to throw up on your behalf

Fucking send HER the text
“I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN SHAGGING MY HUSBAND”
Block her

Are you scared of him?

I don't want my family broken up. I want what I thought I had (a happy normal marriage and children and friends and a nice house).
I know what you mean.
He probably wants that, too. But he also wanted the excitement of a new relationship. Hence the crying. Life is complicated.

OK op. I get you're in shock, but you're being a complete doormat here. He's fucking snivelling on your shoulder that another woman has left him?? He's been banging her for the past YEAR. he has no care for you. And you're still doing as he says, trying not to hurt his feelings.

He is probably also afraid of OW's dh coming round and punching him...

hellsbellsmelons gives good advice.

You're better than this OP. I would have had his bags packed the very first day I found out.
I would never be able to get over a partner sleeping with somebody else. Ever. And to even have the audacity to be receiving emails about hugs and kisses.... you are a very patient person!

The way he is speaking to you shows he has no respect and love for you op. I am sorry but he definitely loves her more. Are you considering telling the husband. Imagine you never found out. I have been there and wore the t-shirt. Please don't stay for the sake of the children. Children are resilient.

Christ OP.

How dare he? Stop worrying about him and blow this sordid fucking thing wide open. Start with her husband, tell him what you know. Then chuck your husband out because right now he's having his cake and eating it and you're just letting it happen. Fuck them both.

Don't feel rushed and panicked by people who've never been in this position telling you that you're a doormat if you don't leap into action immediately. You need a moment to think, then sit and think.

What a total and utter shock.

Believe him. He loves her. He wants to be with her. Not you. He doesn't love you. He's not faithful to you, physically, mentally or emotionally. He loves and loved someone else -he put his bits in her and so on day and day out and she used you too.

He might want or hope that you tell her or her DH. If they split up he will be her "saviour".

He is full of pity but for himself. I'd ask him to pack a bag and go -go now within an hour and give me space.

I'd text her "I know" and then nothing. Not engage with either of them.

From her -she doesn't love him or doesn't want to split from her DH. He does.
I assure you that you are second prize.

Do not do a "pick me" dance -

My friend had this from her husband she dumped him and he confessed all. It didn't stop him cheating. She had dumped him because he wouldn't leave. He left. They are now together.
Save your grace and save your dignity.

You not think that there is something to "save" that is long gone. This is not a one off -he told you.
Moving work doesn't matter-that trust broken you will never recover from.

You are not going to see things clearly until you put some distance between you and your husband. You need to stop letting him make all the decisions and take control. Have you always been the submissive one in your relationship? Have you ever had another relationship?

Ask him to move out for a month while you think things over. A month is not a long period of time even though it will feel like it. Don’t rush to pretend it never happened in order to appease him. He’ll get angry because he’s used to getting what he wants but stay strong. You don’t need to defend yourself or justify any of your actions or feelings to him right now. You are the wronged party. Don’t ever forget that.

I know you don’t want to hear this but these are the facts. He loves her. He doesn’t love you. He would leave you and your family for her if she gave him the chance.

Clarrie, you say this has been going on for a year and now she has ended it. So now you get to have him back because she ended it?

Screenshot the email and sent it to her DH , I would the red mist would take over