Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
intheningnangnong · 15/07/2020 16:05

OP, take back control of this situation. He was crying, not relieved, when it ended.

She is supposed to be your FRIEND.

Please take time to consider what to do.

Diverseopinions · 15/07/2020 16:09

It sounds as.if the other woman wants to end it,.but is terrified your husband,OP, will crack.and let the cat.out.of the bag. All the talk of staying friends is likely just to keep.him together and stop the flak coming. OW probably has no intention of giving up her job, family, credibility because of a fling. She may leave the workplace when the time is right. It would be a massive risk for her if she didn't. Counselling would probably be.of help especially if DH could see it is his ego not.heart which is bruised.

AIMD · 15/07/2020 16:09

If it were me I would call her and tell her I know. You don’t need your husbands permission for that...especially since he bloody cheated! Why does he think he can control what happens from now on eg him meet with her to tell her you know?

I would not be at all convinced that this is over.
In my opinion You can only move forward if everyone involved is in the know, including her husband, and one of them moves jobs. In all honesty though it doesn’t sound like it’s over....then saying they love each other...her asking for hugs still....it’s not over.

I’m shocked that he’s told you so much! Did he tell you he loves her (thought one of you messages said they told each other they love each other)? It sounds like he might be hoping you will end your relationship so he doesn’t have to make that choice!

Notredamn · 15/07/2020 16:09

I agree with raven. And OP could be apoplectic with rage for all we know. She's typing clearly and relating the information hoping for support, advice or wisdom. Not a kicking for being a 'doormat'. Bloody hell.

Nosuchluck · 15/07/2020 16:13

I'd also contact the OW and tell her you know and you are thinking of telling her husband. Quote some of the message you read so she knows you read it.

Teedeepie · 15/07/2020 16:15

I think like others have mentioned that you are in total shock right now OP (understandably). I think you need to ask him to leave and go and stay with family for at least a few days whilst you consider what you want.... not him and certainly not her... but what you want and need. And if you need support or a hand to hold, ask a member of your family or a friend to come and stay with you.

Right now you will not be thinking straight and it must hurt so much for you to try and carry on as normal whilst he is still there putting pressure on you not to out their dirty little secret.

Before you make any decisions on what you do next including telling her husband (why should she be protected in all this), I think you just need time to breathe and have a good cry with a loved one.

Sending you strength Flowers

ivfdreaming · 15/07/2020 16:23

Throughout all this she's been contacting me for example she sent me a photo of my DH at work and captioned it 'home soon after a long day'.

She's a cheeky bitch. I'd be telling her exactly what I think of her - your DH saying not to is just his way of controlling the situation and him trying to do damage control. I'd also be telling her DH what has gone on

Grow a pair of balls OP and some self respect in the nicest possible way and take control of this situation yourself.

Sorry but your DH sounds like a right spineless so and so crying to you that she's ended it!

IveGotFrills · 15/07/2020 16:26

His honesty is admirable OP but it suggests he doesn't care much for you (or was overwhelmed with grief) and is now just making do with what he's got. I can't see how you can continue with this secret and with him working with her - when things calm down at her home who knows if they'll restart the affair. My guess is yes as it sounds serious.

I think you need space and time to think. She is getting away with this scotfree - is that right?

lesleyw1953 · 15/07/2020 16:29

What a total creep he is - contact OW and tell her she is welcome to him. They deserve each other. And I'd tell her husband- poor devil.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2020 16:40

Fuck me they really do think they are Romeo and Juliet don't they

Oh such tortured souls who cant bare to be separated , but we must for both our sakes

And now op you've been cast in to the supportive counsellor role
Your to listen to his life's woes post her.

Get him out and tell her husband and bring their sordid little fairy tale fantasy to a dead stop

They are both taking the piss
She wants him to chase her and he's already doing it

Headandheart · 15/07/2020 16:44

It sounds like he wanted your understanding when he told you as he was so devastated.

I would also have a word with her. How could you not?! She is supposedly your friend.

AIMD · 15/07/2020 16:47

@Guiltypleasures001

Fuck me they really do think they are Romeo and Juliet don't they

Oh such tortured souls who cant bare to be separated , but we must for both our sakes

And now op you've been cast in to the supportive counsellor role
Your to listen to his life's woes post her.

Get him out and tell her husband and bring their sordid little fairy tale fantasy to a dead stop

They are both taking the piss
She wants him to chase her and he's already doing it

Actually this is a good point. They’re living out some sort of teenage forbidden love drama and seem like they want to continue it. Best way to bring them back to reality is for everyone to know and for them to experience the reality of what consequences their affair has.
PopPopPopPopPop · 15/07/2020 16:51

I don't want my family broken up

My exH said exactly this. Between OWs. There were many more after that. Be warned OP

VenusTiger · 15/07/2020 16:54

Why are you being so unbelievably understanding and forgiving OP? Are you okay?
Why are you allowing your cheat of a 'D'H to control this fallout? Get on the phone and tell the woman you know, she is no longer a "family friend" of either of you and she needs to come clean with her own DH before you get there first - both your 'D'H and "family friend" (nearly couldn't type that again!) need to feel the full consequences for their distructive, selfish, outrageous and awful actions OP - neither has learned anything - please stop letting your H call all the shots!

VenusTiger · 15/07/2020 16:55

I don't want my family broken up so why TF has he gone and broken it up then? Worth jeopardising a family for was it! My god!

AnotherBiteMe · 15/07/2020 17:04

Please OP, fuck being upset, get angry.

This is all about your (not very D) H. He doesn't give a shit about you. Get rid of him the self-serving tosser.

I'm usually a 'keep your nose out of other people business' but I'd be telling her husband. Cheeky cow.

damnthatanxiety · 15/07/2020 17:07

HE LOVES HER. He now doesn't want to be alone but given half a chance, he will be back with her. SHE ONLY BROKE OFF WITH HIM BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO FUCK UP HER MARRIAGE. Had her family not become suspicious, she would have continued. Get out of there. Have some dignity and self respect. Leave. And if anyone asks why, tell them.

VenusTiger · 15/07/2020 17:09

One last thing @Clarrie59 - if you don't have the heart and energy for this, then let "family friend"'s DH sort it out for you - call him right now and tell him. Leave it to them to sort whilst you heal and get your head together. Start thinking about yourself otherwise no-one ever will.

Bluepolkadots42 · 15/07/2020 17:14

Wow- I'm so sorry OP, this is a horrendous and unforgivable thing for them to have done.
I am disgusted at your husband's egocentric, self indulgence of trying to cry to you about how sad he is and how stressful his life is. He told you she was the best thing in his life?? WTAF?!
I think you already know there's no coming back from this for any of you. Best thing you can do now is make yourself financially secure to protect you and your children. Get evidence of all bank accounts you jointly hold and find out about any assets he may have in his name only- store evidence digitally if poss e.g. in an email account you have.

Fuck the two of those selfish, narcissistic, deceitful wankers- they are vile and they deserve each other. You on the other hand deserve a whole lot more than the betrayal and disrespect and hurt he has just rained down on your head. Once you've had time to gather your thoughts and think about what you will tell the kids ask him to pack a bag and leave the house. Good luck.

Leaspr · 15/07/2020 17:18

It seems like he had no intention of ending it and if she hadn’t then he’d just have continued on having his affair with her.
Was he expecting sympathy off you!?
Of course he wants to make it work with you now that she’s ended it and you know about it. He’s not going to want to lose everything.
If she changes her mind though, is he going to tell he “no”?
Sorry. I’m not trying to sound harsh; that’s just how I view it myself.

pompey38 · 15/07/2020 17:19

OP i can almost see why he had an affair, you’ve very easy at taking directions. He told you it’s done, he told you he’ll tell her you know,he told you he wants to be with you, he told you they can still work together. And you take it all in and roll over.
Have you told her DH about the affair?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2020 17:21

Don't worry about anger right now OP.
It will come - trust us on that.
This is now the very beginning of the grieving process.
Anger is 3rd on the list.
You have a way to go yet.
When you do get there, make sure you use it and harness it to get things done.

Right now, you need to be kind to yourself and look after yourself.
Eating will be a problem. So drink sugary stuff. I survived for about 2 months on sugary tea and ice-lollies. Could not keep any solids down. Soup would be good and smoothies. If you can eat, then little and often is the way to go.

Do what YOU need to do. Talk to someone if you can.
I think with a lot of us the anger kicks in pretty quickly.
But everyone is different.
Take it an hour at a time for now.
Post here when you need to.
So so many (it's bloody frightening how many) of us have been right where you are.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you have whole collection of women on here who can help and advise.
WHEN you are ready!
Sending huge ((((HUGS)))) and Flowers

Dancingalong · 15/07/2020 17:23

Don’t keep his dirty secret OP. He needs to face up to what he’s done and so does she, and you need support from those around you that do love and care for you and can help you through. If you pretend this hasn’t happened you will hurt yourself even more. You deserve to be treated better then this. Tell her you know, don’t let him control this situation he is manipulating you.

I am sorry you are gong through this.

roxfox · 15/07/2020 17:24

So sorry you're going through this.

I don't think it's really over and you've got quite a ways to go yet.

The first thing you absolutely must do is tell her husband. Do not pre warn your husband. Just get that done. You don't need to keep their dirty secret

caramelbun · 15/07/2020 17:26

She wants him to still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it? Wow, she really thinks she has a husband AND a secret boyfriend who is wrapped around her little finger.

I would tell her I know OP. Reality is harsh. Fantasy over.

I am angry for you op, I feel like this could happen to anyone. This is not your fault, do what is best for you now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread