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Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/07/2020 14:37

'Better coming from him' Grin

Err, no.

OP - he's not in charge here. You are. Ok? YOU are the person who has been wronged and if he at all wants to save his marriage, he does what the fuck you tell him to. Ok? That is generally the way it works.

Get in touch with her husband and tell the poor man what's been going on yourself. Tell your so-called husband that he - a. immediately cuts contact, b. looks for another job, and c. stays out of it while YOU decide who you will contact and talk to, as it suits.

No it isn't better coming from your husband, the man with a vested in terst in lying his socks off about what he's been up to.

Honestly OP if the power balance between the two of you is this fucked up, just leave him! He's clearly bloody awful, doesn't give a shit about oyu and reckons he can manipulate and control things even now. Get rid.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2020 14:37

but DH says it's better coming from him.
HAHA - I'll bet he does.
Her DH deserves to know about this as well.
Don't keep him in the dark.
This is now coming out and to be the last to know is truly heartbreaking.
Stop listening to your DH on any of this.
He has no say in who you talk to and why!
I think you are abused and controlled by this poor excuse for a human being from your responses.
Any normal person would be fucking fuming.
Are you angry at all?
Are you just going to accept it and move on with your DH?
Something is very wrong here but I don't have enough info to comment properly.

ravenmum · 15/07/2020 14:38

Why is she sending you photos of him?

Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 14:40

So they have had an affair and expect you the wronged wife to be complicit?

Msonamission · 15/07/2020 14:40

@Clarrie59

I am angry and upset. Well devastated really. Yes we have children. So does she - and a DH of her own. Throughout all this she's been contacting me for example she sent me a photo of my DH at work and captioned it 'home soon after a long day'. I feel totally blindsided. But she has told my DH she cannot carry on with the affair because her family are suspicious although she will still work with him just as a colleague and hopes he will give her a hug and a kiss if she needs it (in the email). I am in bits.
Of course you're in bits. No doubt you'll feel shit, and odd, and anxious, and depressed, and angry, and crazy, and devastated for some time to come. But try to channel your energy every now and again into what YOU want to happen now. There are people here who can support you xx
CrazyToast · 15/07/2020 14:40

They wont end it and you would always feel awful with them in the same place together. It sounds like your DH has been awful too, is he even sorry? She broke it off not him? She had to leave her job, not him? He decides how it plays out, not you? I don't think so.

He leaves his job or you leave him. TBH I'd be tempted to leave him anyway cos he clearly does not care about your feelings here.

You would be better off without that.

doodleygirl · 15/07/2020 14:42

Please forgive me if I appear to be brusque. Why on earth are you putting up with this shit? You will be ok on your own, you will be ok if you stand up and tell him to fuck off.

If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat it will continue, nothing will change unless you make sure it does. If you are hoping he will just be nice because he has been a naughty boy then you have no chance.

You will recover so much better from this episode in your life if you maintain your self respect and take control over the situation. Your children will be much happier with a happy, strong mum.

Wallywobbles · 15/07/2020 14:44

What has happened that will make him think this will be the end of his world. There's no deterrent for him to doing this all the rest of your relationship is there?

Nicolastuffedone · 15/07/2020 14:44

So, if she hadn’t ended it.........?

CuppaZa · 15/07/2020 14:45

They don’t get to tell you how it’s going to be.
In fact, I’d be serving divorce papers right about now

Wallywobbles · 15/07/2020 14:46

This article helped me a lot.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:47

I found out about it because DH told me. He said she had left him, but he wants to see her and tell her he thinks it's over too. I don't understand why he can't say that on the phone.
I am gobsmacked really because she and her husband are friends (I thought).
The photograph of him is the kind of thing his colleagues do (creative work environment and friendly team who all know me). I thought she was being nice.
I am angry I really am I am just shocked and confused. I can't accept they could work together platonically, and the hug and kiss thing was the last straw. I just feel so blindsided I don't even know if my judgement is right.
That's why I asked if it sounded like a woman who had really left someone.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 15/07/2020 14:48

She hasn't ended it. She's attempting to put it on a bit of a back burner to protect her marriage. Meanwhile, your H claims to YOU that it's over, but hasn't said a word to her? Please OP, surely you can see this is absolute rubbish.

Your Dh needs to 1. make it clear it's over and 2. find a new job.

As for her DH, I am not normally one who would advocate for you to tell him but as he's a family friend, I actually think you should. I also think you need to stop accepting bloody text messages from this woman. Either just block her or text her that you know and you never want to hear from her again.

BurtsBeesKnees · 15/07/2020 14:49

WTF they still want to be friends and your dh thinks you should be ok with that - errr no fuck right off

I'd also be telling the ow husband too.

Your dh should be grovelling and doing everything in his power - including leaving his job and throwing himself under a bus by telling her dh, not trying to carry on as normal. These are not the actions of a man who's remorseful

HollowTalk · 15/07/2020 14:49

I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him.

How on earth could you take that bollocks from him?

I think now that you should speak to her and speak to her husband, too. It's not fair that three out of the four of you know about this.

I think your husband didn't end the affair and now doesn't really want it to end.

It went on for a year, OP. A year where you didn't know what was going on in your own life. This wasn't a drunken fumble at a party. It's a year of lies and deceit from both of them. You can never trust them again.

It's normal to do the pick-me dance after discovering an affair. It's so humiliating and it's normal to want him to choose you over her. It's normal too for your boundaries to be skewed for a while. Be aware that what you're feeling now isn't what you'd feel in the cold light of day when he's working late and you can see she hasn't been online for a few hours.

Greenkit · 15/07/2020 14:49

@Clarrie59

She still doesn't know I know about the affair. He wants to tell her himself that I know. She is a family friend. She and her DH have been on holiday with us. I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him.
I would be telling her DH yourself about the affair

How do you know she has finished it, he might just be telling you that to shut you up?

He doesn't get to keep calling the shots, take back control!

What do YOU want?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2020 14:50

Why did he tell you any of it?

Chungus · 15/07/2020 14:52

It's better for THEM if it comes from him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2020 14:53

You are in shock op, and whilst you are in it these two are playing out
The outcome without your input

Give yourself till the weekend, ask him for space and to move out
This will shit her up, then take that time to recalibrate your thoughts
Look into finances if you decide to leave

She's dancing around like some untouchable gods gift to men, let her sweat
Then tell her husband if you want too

Take care

Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 14:54

Clarrie. Never mind the woman for a minute. Your husband has had an affair and it has hurt you. Does it sound to you like it is over? Does it appear to you that it's over for him?

Just reading what you have told us tells me it is not over and the whole thing stinks.

I can't tell you what to do because only you knows how you feel but I get the impression he will do it again.
He has devalued you. Never mind her....... well actually they both have.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 15/07/2020 14:54

It's clear now. She ended it as people are getting suspicious. He doesn't want it to end and that's why he doesn't want you telling her that you know. He knows there'll be no chance of them carrying on once she knows you know.

SmilesAreFree2020 · 15/07/2020 14:55

What do you get out of the marriage from him?

He treated you awfully. He is a liar and a cheat. He obviously doesn't love you to behave like that toward you.

What do you get of of the marriage to him?

I feel for you that you don't see yourself as worth more than he gives you.

chatterbugmegastar · 15/07/2020 14:56

Ask him to leave for a while to give you time to think

Contact her and tell her you know

I'd consider telling her husband as he has a right to know - but I understand if you don't want to do that

Take some time to re-evaluate

Don't be a pick me doormat

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:57

Well AnnelovesGilbert he told me because I walked in on him and found him crying and then he told me they had been having an affair and she had left him. I don't know why he told me I guess he was upset and blurted it out.
I feel sick thinking about it.
He told me she had left him but he didn't want to leave me and he wanted to see her in person to tell her he thinks it is over too.
He also told me she had said she was leaving him but wanted to remain a friend and a colleague and that they could carry on as platonic friends. He says no-one at work knows about it (?) in fact no-one knows about it except me. She is very keen to keep it that way.

OP posts:
SmilesAreFree2020 · 15/07/2020 14:57

PS.

Tell her you know. Tell her husband - poor chap probably thinks she is sweetness and light.

Why should you be suffering and your 'D'H get away with it and she swans off .... it appears that they haven't really ended it ... a temporary pause until you settle down and do what you have been told.