Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

@Clarrie59

Am I damaging our lives if I don’t reconcile with him. It’s like he’s done this horrible thing but I have the burden of deciding
The damage is done, OP. And not by you - by him not once, but twice. And as damaging as the first betrayal must've been, this must feel worse.

Years of rebuilt trust, making a home and future together, having children together and he cheats again in your own home, in your own bed, with a close friend. But, indeed 'why aren’t you over this? I’ve answered your questions’.

I think you have been remarkably strong to have got this far without turning into a hard and bitter person but do, please protect your own self in the aftermath of what he has done to you.

Reread your own first posts here on how he behaved and how you felt. Why would you give him a chance to hurt you so much a third time?🌹

I think you need more than a new bed and sheets, Clarrie. When all the financial stuff is sorted - and that won't be him deciding, the law will decide- you need to move to a new house for a fresh start because there is no going back after this. I think you have buried your head in the sand a bit about the sort of person he is really is after his first affair but life can be good for you again in time. He's ruined your life for now, don't let him ruin it for ever. I'm really sorry you are going through this but I can see you have support and he has none.

“ Am I damaging our lives if I don’t reconcile with him. It’s like he’s done this horrible thing but I have the burden of deciding
The damage is done, OP. And not by you - by him not once, but twice. And as damaging as the first betrayal must've been, this must feel worse.”

This. I don’t see how you can take him back - at least I don’t see how you can do so and retain any sense of security or trust in your marriage. He’s done this before. He may well do it again. He’s shown no sense of responsibility or contrition - just a massive sense of entitlement. Nothing is his fault. He very willingly gave his love to another woman and brought her into your home and into your bed. The bed you sleep in. He didn’t just do that to you - he did it to your DCs. He seems to have no moral compass. If his AP hadn’t thrown him under a bus, it sounds like he would have been off without a backward glance.

You will be fine without him. Of course you will. You can’t imagine it now but you will.

Your children probably want you to kick him out. In their shoes, I would want that. It’s a very powerful message for you to send them. My dad was habitually unfaithful to my mum and I would have supported her kicking him out (she did eventually but we were adults by then).

The crap that’s coming out of his mouth is unbelievable. ‘Aren’t you over it yet?’ You owe him nothing.
Go grey rock on him. Ignore him. It’s all about him. He’s done it before and your mil certainly shouldn’t be intervening.
Blaming you makes him feel better, it’s always someone else’s fault apart from his.

Having read your update, there’s absolutely no way I’d brush this under the carpet- you already ARE alone OP.
Because the second another woman comes along to stroke his ego, off he will happily trot.

Why waste your life on someone who does this to you. It’ll unlikely be the last time, do you really want to live like that? You could be happily moved on in a couple of years, with someone else and happy. It sounds like you have him because no one else wants him quite frankly. Or, perhaps the next affair will end with him leaving you.
He clearly doesn’t love you and I don’t think you really love him, (why would you), I think it’s a crutch, he’s better than being alone.... (but not really!)

So as he sees it, you need to shut up about the affair, get over it and try harder because it was your fault he had an affair in the first place. You weren't giving him enough attention, you weren't showing enough affection - you you you. He is not responsible, you are.

The painful truth, that he's just a common or garden lying, cheating bastard and a bad husband and father, is causing him such cognitive dissonance that he has to blame you. This has to be your fault otherwise he's not the man he thinks he is - a good, honest, decent man. How do you stop yourself from laughing in his lying face?

So you're the one with the issue because he had an affair - hmmmmm ok then.

He's an idiot op, this is the second time he's had an affair and he's expecting you to reconcile to repair the relationship. You do realise how batshit that sounds?

He's had his second chance and he's blown it. Go back now and you'll have a lifetime of mistrust and resentment. I'd rather be single thanks

OP i couldn't sleep and read your whole thread. What a sad loser you're married to. I'm sorry but none of this is your fault - it's his.

Also I don't know if anyone has recommended this site yet but my friends who have had husbands who cheated (note the past tense) swear by it: www.chumplady.com/

@Clarrie59 all my posts are essays. 😂🙈
One thing you said is so true. It’s exactly what I thought at the time. That you could cope better if he had died.
It’s the betrayal that does the most damage. From what you have said above he is indeed repeating patterns of behaviour. Let that show you that it’s not you, it really is him.
Take a deep breath and focus on whatever you have to do today. Or if that’s too far to look ahead, focus on what you are doing right now. One moment at a time, that’s all. The moments become hours and the hours become days and as time passes and this moves further behind you, one day you will find you feel more like you again. As the old saying goes, this too will pass. Sending love X

I have been through something similar and am thankfully now divorced and everything here is familiar. I'm the one who is to blame because I wouldn't forgive. I 'over-reacted'. I 'tore the family apart'.

Even now after our divorce is done I hear comments like 'that's just your opinion' if I ever mention that he is to blame for the marriage ending.

I have learnt to let these comments just roll off my back. They just add to my hatred of him and the relief that we're not still married.

Walk away and don't look back. It took me a while to realise it was the only answer to a happy life but almost 2 years later, I would never change that decision.

It's going to feel horrendous for a while to have walked, but I promise you will be happy again without him.

I don't understand. He hates you. He doesn't want to be with you - apart from for convenience/money's sake. He's listed the ways in which he dislikes you and has made no attempt to hide it from anyone. He's abusive and does not care about your feelings in any way. He's treated you like a servant with no feelings, telling you about her and how much he loves her.

He loves her but she wasn't there. If she was he would be with her and he's been very clear about that. So talk of a reconciliation is nothing but a cynical and convenient way for him to not lose money or have to do housework.

I think the best think you can do is get a very ruthless solicitor, find a very good therapist, and go no contact/grey rock with him. There's a lot for you to come to terms with. Betrayal on so many levels and now ongoing nastiness. You need to stop giving him a platform. He's said everything you need to hear, more is just giving him another opportunity to hurt you.

There is no way you are coming back from this and if he feels that inconveniences him it's not your problem. Right now you have to think about you, and your children. Not him.

@Clarrie59 I've just read this whole thread in horror. You're being really strong and he is an utter tosser. Were you going through cancer during these last 12 years too?

Of course he doesn't want to split the marital assets (not in fact 'his money' as he's about to find out) 50/50%, but sadly, not only is that the starting position, but the fact that you will be taking care of the children means that you will in all likelihood get more than 50%. Divorce is expensive.

Without him putting you downwith his behaviour towards you, which has been going on for some time, you will eventually feel so much freer. I wish you the very best.

"I think the best think you can do is get a very ruthless solicitor, find a very good therapist, and go no contact/grey rock with him. There's a lot for you to come to terms with. Betrayal on so many levels and now ongoing nastiness. You need to stop giving him a platform. He's said everything you need to hear, more is just giving him another opportunity to hurt you."

This, with bells on.

@Thewookiemustgo - that was really a very profound post. I've copied it out to keep. My exh many years ago was having an affair before we even got married. Happily I had no idea at the time. But your words would have really made a difference when I did find out and the foundations of my memories crumbled. Thank you.

Any questioning from me results in anger and stonewalling and ‘why aren’t you over this?

It's your right not to get over his affair and take him back.

Reconciliation is a gift for a cheating spouse, that a betrayed spouse is not under obligation to give.

In fact his attitude does that he is not reconciliation material, as he is not remorseful. He's not even capable of pretending he's remorseful, which is good in a way, otherwise you might be tempted to give him a third chance.

He seems incapable of empathy where you're concerned and he only wants to get back with you, because she dumped him.

If he was truly remorseful, he'd have had the motivation to look into what is essential to try and gain your trust....a quick Internet search would guide him with what to do....something like this:

The steps a wayward/cheating spouse must take towards a successful reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OM/OW and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

"Reconciliation is a gift for a cheating spouse, that a betrayed spouse is not under obligation to give.

In fact his attitude does that he is not reconciliation material, as he is not remorseful. He's not even capable of pretending he's remorseful, which is good in a way, otherwise you might be tempted to give him a third chance.

He seems incapable of empathy where you're concerned and he only wants to get back with you, because she dumped him."

This.

@Wallywobbles you’re welcome. It happened to me sadly after nearly 30 years of marriage. The shock was horrendous and the first thing I did was turn everything on myself and make the mistake of listening to and believing the poison which dripped out as his answers to “why”. All of the answers involved me. Therefore it had to be me. Our apparently happy marriage had to have been bad in some way and I had driven him to her. How could I not have seen it? Lord above the damage that did to me! I spent months trying to be a different, “new improved” me. I’m ashamed to say that My “pick me” dance could have run in theatres longer than Les Mis. Even though he had finished the affair, cut her off completely and actually had picked me! 🙈 I was left feeling not good enough and fighting with myself in my head over what I thought our marriage was and his version of it.
I didn’t understand any of it so I searched the web and I read. A lot of reading of the wise words of others helped me enormously. Like you, I wish I’d found them at the time of discovery of his betrayal. If they help anybody now, then the pain I went through to learn this has meaning. My post is an amalgamation of what those words taught me. The relief on finding out the real reasons people blow up their lives in this way took a while to sink in. It involved a complete change of the way I viewed it all as my fault and because I’d gone on so long believing the garbage about myself, the damage to my self worth was massive. The sooner you learn this stuff after discovery the less damage done, hopefully. An affair does more than enough damage on its own without a history re-write assassinating your character. Sending love.

I found this article very helpful also. It went a long way to healing the "why" question for me. Exh had everything he could want and still I wasn't enough. But really it was absolutely nothing to do with me, our life, our kids etc.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Clairee59 - please do not engage with him - does he not deserve any interaction with you.
Does he take the children out or see them in the house. Have the kids ready at the door for him.
Does he still have keys? Get them back or change the locks.
He has a new tenancy so I was told I could change the locks.
You can go to mediation re finances and don’t believe a word he says.
Have you found all his financial information. Have you packed his stuff up and given it to him.
Google grey rock - it’s a way of responding to him.
Try and not to engage with him.

I really feel for you.
Selfish selfish man.
🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

I know it’s scary at first OP, but you’ll be fine without him. Really, honestly, 100%,I promise. It’s not easy and it takes some adjusting, but as things settle, stuff clicks in to place. You start realising what a bloody amazing person you are. You see what an utter waste of fucking air your shitty ex is. You’ll start to do stuff for you and your kids. And life will blossom all over, but this time you’ll totally own it.

You’re so strong. What an awesome example you’re setting your kids. Your ex is a joke.

I hope things get settled soon. But seriously you’re doing amazing.

I don't want to believe this post is true due to not being able to believe anyone could be as obtuse as your H.

He got caught crying over being dumped so told you he was having affair
He told you he loves her
She makes him happy
"Thinks it's over, too" literally told his wife he wasn't even sure it's over in his mind
Tells you he should tell the OW you know
Tries to get you back when she doesn't want you
Wants to name her on the divorce
When he realises she's really with her family, tells you that you should be over it. And that you need a doctor.

Over your husband acting like a lovesick puppy over another woman??

No way. No freaking way.

@Clarrie59 if you get back with this sociopath, I will weep for womankind for the first time in my life.

I would rather be alone and miserable than waste another second of my life on a man like that. He may be having a breakdown but please never forget where he was putting his dick. And where they were doing it, too. It wouldn't be the last time and he shows that he won't accept responsibility.

Oh OP. He's vile, and he hates you. He really hates you. He's come to believe the things he is saying - that this is your fault, that you are dragging things out. He wants you to suffer, as he has suffered in being rejected by OW. He wants you to be miserable, this would perk him up a bit. His sadism here really puts him into the emotionally abusive category.

You are caught up in all kinds of his nonsense. You really want to put some distance between you, allow your own thoughts and wishes and plans for the future to emerge. Stop being his emotional punching bag. He's a dreadful man. He won't be happy. But it helps him believe the bullshit version of his narrative, that's he's going to leave his petty boring life behind (and you with it) for some dashing adventures, if he can get you believing it. Stop being his audience. (He won't be happy, he hasn't got the capacity - have you ever known him to be happy? He's personality disordered.) And speak to a SHL, you'll feel much more stable if you just know what your options are.

I have read the full thread, and I never normally comment , but please please tell me you are not even considering reconciliation? ( your comment re damaging the family refers) this man is playing you like a fiddle, using guilt as his weapon, implying that things could return to 'normal' if only you could 'get over it' you have been so strong don't let him break through your defences.
All the best for the future x

“Stop being his emotional punching bag. He's a dreadful man. He won't be happy. But it helps him believe the bullshit version of his narrative, that's he's going to leave his petty boring life behind (and you with it) for some dashing adventures, if he can get you believing it. Stop being his audience.”

This.