Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

I’m not reconciling but I am sad and confused that our lives have been turned upside down and that our protector has turned into our persecutor. I feel like I will never trust anyone - friend or partner again. I still feel very resentful that the OW still has her family intact and mine is left in pieces. And I am scared to be alone I suppose. But - enough - I have to get on. Thanks for all your advice and good wishes.

her life is not intact OP, do not believe the big displays of public affection, the grand affectionate gestures, they are all a front for her betrayal, and her Husband knows everyone knows his wife sleeps with other men.

Behind closed doors things will be very different 🌺

It's really hard OP but just keep taking one day at a time for now. I was shocked to read that he has put you through this twice and still doesn't see that he is at fault.

Although you may be thinking it just now you're really not alone. You have your children, family and friends who love you and have your back and are rooting for you.

An internet phrase that helped me when going through a tough time emotionally was :
"You never know how strong you can be until you have to be".

It'll take some time but you will start to heal and you will instinctively grow to trust people again but until then please take care of yourself

I think it was Nancy Regan who said "Women are like teabags, its only when you drop us in hot water do you realise how strong we are" or words to that effect.

You will survive, we all do.

Sadly I have known more women who have left marriages due to cheating and/or abuse and all bar none have gone on to have far happier lives.

You will find that with time and distance comes clarity. Stuff that you just accepted in your marriage will start to be seen in a different way. Perhaps he has always been selfish but you accepted it as "just his way", but once you are free of it you will see it for what it was.

Bizarrely, you will reach a day where you will (at least in part) be grateful that he has done this because you will realise that ultimately it saved you from a miserable future.

And no, you may not trust in the same way again, but is that such a bad thing? I am not a fan of "trust without question", having been a victim of that as you have. I personally prefer "Trust with realistic expectations" No one is perfect, and pedestals are not a practical place to put anyone.

Sadly when someone has behaved really really badly, appallingly in fact, it seems to trigger within themselves a cruelty towards the wronged party. It's very common for men who have been unfaithful to blame their wife and to become very angry with her.

I'm sure there's a sound psychological reason for it if you look but the reality is that he is unlikely to have an epiphany in the near future so all you can do is protect your children and yourself financially and emotionally. He has now become a different person. In many ways it's like your hat it's like the real him has died, this new him is that him that will be with you for quite some time. He cannot be trusted and will be very dishonest manipulative and cruel so please please do what you need to do to look after yourself. A solicitor would be a good start.

Of course he’s projecting his hurt of rejection by the other woman and then you as it’s easier than to take responsibility for his own actions
He’s a weak man
You’re doing well op

@Figgygal

Of course he’s projecting his hurt of rejection by the other woman and then you as it’s easier than to take responsibility for his own actions He’s a weak man You’re doing well op

It's much more than that. Unfortunately the worse someone treated you the nastier they get. Like they need to convince themselves you deserve it and they need to hate you to live with their own behaviour.

I’m not reconciling but I am sad and confused that our lives have been turned upside down and that our protector has turned into our persecutor. I totally get this Clarrie and it must be so hard trying to come to terms with this new reality. Just take one day at a time, cliche I know, but it's the only way we get through the shitty times. I hope you have friends and family looking out for you right now, you deserve lots of TLC.

Oh, and the other woman, I really don't think everything in the garden is rosy there, despite the front she is putting on.

I promise you that there is not fear of being alone, it is so liberating. I felt like you when I split with my ex and my daughter was 9 months old, It was so daunting and scary. But it turned out to be such a great part of my life, once I had got my head around it and sorted out logisitics.

This was over 20 years ago and I am now remarried. I was on my own with my daughter for 10 years and I loved it. When DH proposed I took a long time deciding if that is what I really wanted, I really do believe that I am so much happier as a person and so much more confident in my own abilities because I was on my own for so long.

You can do this and your journey can be brilliant.

oh gosh Clarrie59 I have read the full thread & my heart literally broke for you! You are so strong & dignified, more than i would have been.
I really hope you & your DC are ok
You deserve to be with someone who worships you xxxx

it’s mean to want a nasty future for him!

It's completely normal after how he's treated you.

I still feel very resentful that the OW still has her family intact

Did you tell her husband? If nothing else I think he has a right to know. x

The OW’s marriage is not happy. It’s damaged and I think you’ve got the better situation. You know where you stand, you can move towards creating a new future for your family and you haven’t just humiliated yourself by throwing a weird performative ‘happy relationship’ party - how utterly mortifying to feel the need to do that.

@Clarrie59 I’m 10.5 months in. You are going to be okay, I promise. The next few months are going to be hard and painful but you will be okay and you’ll feel unstoppable when you come out the other side.

This man has shown a complete lack of kindness, however long it takes to get him out of your system it needs to be done.

You know you will never feel safe with him.
Excellent advice from @Thewookiemustgo

Read and believe it is not your fault, he is doing his utmost to change your belief system.

His life depends on it.

It's not just that he is a liar..... he is the lie, a shell of a man with no substance.

You really are the strong one but he must prevent you from knowing this

Good luck going forward 💐

He thinks you have a nasty tongue?

Take it from someone who actually has a nasty tongue.....you are practically angelic in comparison.

Things I would be saying when he waxes lyrically about how much attention she gave him, how special she made him feel etc.
"But it was all just talk surely, otherwise she wouldn't have dumped you, blocked any advances and choosen the husband who didn't treat her well over you? "

" You got played like a fool, now no one wants you."

"If you think I didn't give you attention before, you'd be in for a shock if we reconciled. You've done this to me twice now, I wouldn't waste any time or effort on you, when we both know you would do it again. This is who you are....a cheat."

And tell him you aren't going for 50%. You have his kids and want 70/30.

For god sake....don't play nice.

He won't.

“The OW’s marriage is not happy. It’s damaged and I think you’ve got the better situation. You know where you stand, you can move towards creating a new future for your family and you haven’t just humiliated yourself by throwing a weird performative ‘happy relationship’ party - how utterly mortifying to feel the need to do that.”

This - with bells on.

I did hear from an attendee at the ‘loved up marriage’ party that her DH was centre-stage, talking to everyone, life and soul and she was very much in the background and just kind of skipped off if anyone tried to say more than hello to her. Person also told me she had not contacted anyone at work and if they phone or text her she doesn’t answer.

I feel a bit better this week. More confident. Thanks for the support it has made a difference to me.

Good on you OP.. every day's a day nearer a happier you. 🌺

That’s great to hear! It’s going to be a bumpy road of course but the worst is already behind you and things are going to keep getting brighter from here on out.

I still feel very resentful that the OW still has her family intact and mine is left in pieces

All that glitters is not gold.

There aren't many men who will be thrilled and act like all is hunky dory behind closed doors, after they find their wife has been sleeping with another man.

•He will be having triggers
•He will be asking if he wasn't good enough
•Was he bigger than me
•He will be wondering if your H satisfied her in a way he couldn't
•He will be thinking about the cost of divorce
•He will be embarrassed
•His pride will be dented
•He will have thought about the cost of a split
•Seeing his children less

Them being under the same roof, does not mean all is well.

Infidelity is a shit sandwich for the betrayed spouse however you look at it.

Those who reconcile feel resentful that the cheater got to have the fun of an affair, risqué liaisons and are still in the marital home enjoying the benefits of family life....leaving the betrayed spouse feeling like a fool in their mind.

Reconciliation with a remorseful spouse is really hard and challenging.....but your H makes the decision to split so much easier, because it's so obvious you would be his fallback option.

@Sassandfaff1

He thinks you have a nasty tongue?

Take it from someone who actually has a nasty tongue.....you are practically angelic in comparison.

Things I would be saying when he waxes lyrically about how much attention she gave him, how special she made him feel etc.
"But it was all just talk surely, otherwise she wouldn't have dumped you, blocked any advances and choosen the husband who didn't treat her well over you? "

" You got played like a fool, now no one wants you."

"If you think I didn't give you attention before, you'd be in for a shock if we reconciled. You've done this to me twice now, I wouldn't waste any time or effort on you, when we both know you would do it again. This is who you are....a cheat."

This!