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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
YouokHun · 15/07/2020 14:59

I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him

Better for who? I really feel for you OP and of course you’re blindsided, who wouldn’t be? BUT it’s not for him to decide how things run now. He’s busy preserving his hide, keeping his options open and thinking about himself.

Personally, I’d be inclined to bypass him and tell her you know and you’re mulling over what to do with the information. Then tell her what you want to happen.

Is there someone you can talk to in RL? Someone who can provide a bit of a confidential sounding board for you to decide how you want to proceed? Flowers

Tappering · 15/07/2020 15:01

Oh I bet she's keen to keep it that way! She - and he - won't want everyone to know they've been having a grubby little affair. Plus she'll know that people will judge the fuck out of her because she's a family friend and has lied to your face.

SmilesAreFree2020 · 15/07/2020 15:02

@Clarrie59 .... I found this statement he said to you really irritating

I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him.

Do you let him decide EVERYTHING that you do? He is the one in the wrong. You have done nothing wrong. If you want to tell her or her husband then you tell them. He wants it all to be as if nothing happened - he really doesn't care about your feelings in this at all does he. What a dick.

TwentyViginti · 15/07/2020 15:03

He said she had left him, but he wants to see her and tell her he thinks it's over too. I don't understand why he can't say that on the phone.

What the fuck am I reading? YOU get on the phone and tell her you know. YOU get back on the phone and tell her husband. YOU tell your cheating twat husband to fuck off elsewhere while you think about what your options are.

Chungus · 15/07/2020 15:03

What the actual fuck. PLEASE do not stay with this guy. What a piece of shit. He doesn't give a fuck about you.

And what kind of sociopath is she to merrily send you photos of him while knowing what she's doing to you. You need to get as far away from these people as possible.

ravenmum · 15/07/2020 15:03

The photograph of him is the kind of thing his colleagues do (creative work environment and friendly team who all know me). I thought she was being nice.
This was before she knew you found out about the affair, or after?

Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 15:03

Clarrie do you have children?

chatterbugmegastar · 15/07/2020 15:06

he told me because I walked in on him and found him crying

Jesus Christ

What a tosser

Please take some time to see him for who he is

Ori38 · 15/07/2020 15:07

@Clarrie59

She's just going to rekindle it all if she feels like it isn't she?

Yes. She still fancies him. How will you be able to trust they're not at it behind your back in the future? She's reluctant to leave, and, the bit that would unnerve me the most is that she was the one who ended it with him, not the other way round.

Sounds like it's very much not over I'm afraid, from either of their perspectives.

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 15:07

Ravenmum the photo was before. She still doesn't know I know about the affair.

OP posts:
MashedPotatoBrainz · 15/07/2020 15:08

He told you so he'd have a shoulder to cry on. Pick your self respect up out of the gutter OP and tell him to fuck off. You deserve so much better than this.

ravenmum · 15/07/2020 15:08

What evidence do you have of anything he is telling you, e.g. that she wanted to end it?
He was definitely not just crying because he was wondering whether to leave you or not?

ravenmum · 15/07/2020 15:09

He told you so he'd have a shoulder to cry on.
Yes. He was feeling sorry for himself. Maybe also hoping that you would end it.

TwentyViginti · 15/07/2020 15:09

He used YOU, his actual WIFE as a shoulder to cry on because his affair partner ended things? Christ.

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 15:10

Ordinarymum we've all got children (both couples). She and her DH have taken her children on holiday to my sister's flat (south of France).
What a mess!

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2020 15:10

Op, not only has he disrespected you in one of the biggest ways possible, he is now manipulating you.

Why are you listening to the only person who has treated you this way? Are you that desperate to keep him?
He doesn’t seem too desperate to keep you does he. If he was, he would let you react to this in whatever way you need to.

Instead, he wants to make his life easier and try and ensure his bit on the side doesn’t he made upset by you and that you won’t ruin her life.

He still puts the other women before you

Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2020 15:12

Op, tell the other women’s husband what you know. Your partners reaction to you doing this when the other women finds out and tells him will tell you all you need to know.

mencken · 15/07/2020 15:13

indeed a mess but entirely of his and her making.

I'm afraid that it is time to stop the 'pick me' dance. Her lost job is as nothing to your lost marriage. He doesn't sound that he regrets the affair, only that he got caught. Which means he will do it again. I am sorry.

Msonamission · 15/07/2020 15:13

You sound like a lovely person, OP. Because of this, at the moment you won't be seeing what most other posters here see about this situation. Give it a few days, come back and re-read others' advice and opinions. It helps, honestly.

ravenmum · 15/07/2020 15:13

the photo was before. She still doesn't know I know about the affair
Still a bit of a piss-take, though, huh? She takes a picture of her boyfriend and sends it to his wife? My exh did this kind of thing with me (bringing his flirts home) and openly told them that it was because he found it exciting (being on the verge of being found out but knowing he was safe).

Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 15:15

Clarrie I wonder if your husband wants you to tell her husband about the affair.
I wonder if he 'let you find out' so you will tell her husband because he wants him to find out

If I were you I would kick him out of the house and change the locks

Coffeecak3 · 15/07/2020 15:15

OP can you talk to your sister?
You don't have to keep this a secret, it's not your doing and you need support.
Put yourself first and do not enable the apalling behaviour of these two selfish people.

ravenmum · 15/07/2020 15:15

The flat is your sister's? Wow. The confidence is breathtaking.

ravenmum · 15/07/2020 15:16

Yes, can't tell whether they are enjoying life on the edge, or actually secretly hoping to be caught.

Yeahnahmum · 15/07/2020 15:16

Soo.. He slept with another lady not just once. Or twice. But he did so over the course of 365 days!! Whilst being married. To you.

And the only reason you know all this is.... because you walked in on him as he cried... because she. left. HIMEnvy

And you want this man to still be your husband??? Holy no op.

There is no recovering from this. Your marriage has been long over. And it should be. You are worthy of a non cheating liar pathetic excuse of a man.

It is insanity to want to stay with this man. And humiliating. He cried about her leaving him. Not you finding out.

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