Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

Throughout all this she's been contacting me for example she sent me a photo of my DH at work and captioned it 'home soon after a long day'.

Sorry, what??? You need to tell her you know OP. And quickly

And I'm sorry I said that, but I'm not immersed in this like you are, and now you have all of us on your back telling you what a shit your husband is, because he is.. he really is.

She's holidaying with her family in your sister's flat? Fucking hell she's got some brass neck.

To be clear: he said to me (in tears) that she had asked to meet him and then started crying and said they have to end the affair because her family were getting suspicious, but she intended to still be his friend and work with him. He said they both cried together and said they loved each other. Then he said to me that his whole life is a stressful mess and her relationship with him was the only thing that made it all better and now she wasn't going to be doing that any more and he couldn't bear it (dealing with the stress with no happy relationship to keep him going). But that was when he was very upset.
Now, in the cold light of day he's saying he doesn't want to lose our family and he wants to meet her and tell her he wants to end it too, and that I know and I don't want them to work together.
Meanwhile I found the 'will you still hug and kiss me" email.
Sorry to keep telling you this story. I'm very upset. I don't know what it all means. Did she leave him? Why were they both crying? What does he expect me to do with all this?

That's the phrase, brass neck! Couldn't think of it.

Sorry, Carrie. It will probably take you a while to wrap your head around this.

Why on earth are you putting up with any of this? Why do you even want to stay with him? He sounds disgusting. Why are you letting him dictate everything? Geez OP.

They may have been crying because they want to have their cake and eat it.
Maybe her dh found out? She may not have been open with your dh either.

Have a little look at the script, and read up on the psychology of affairs, as it is a twisted world and very hard to understand or work out wtf is going on, or what do to, when it happens to you.

He wants another woman to fuck to make his life better, but wants to keep his family life.

You ok with that, Clarrie?

It's far from over. They are both making excuses to work together and see each other.
You are being treated like shit. There seems to be an expectation that you will allow whatever your DH wants. You get to make decisions here. You do and say what you like. I fear the reason you won't is because you think you'll push DH away and back to her. He's no prize. Let him go.

The very very biggest mistake I made was keeping his dirty secret.
It was eating me up, affecting my health and mental health and I still kept it secret.
WHY????? I think it was because I felt shameful and like a failure and at that stage I didn't want anyone to think badly of him as I didn't know what my decision was.
The weight that lifted when I told people was immense.
Do NOT for one minute keep his dirty secret to protect him or her.
You need some love and support and you need it now.
Do you have non-judgey friend who you could confide in?

I'm not saying LTB yet.
This is way to raw for you and cheating may not be your deal-breaker.
But please please please make him leave for a couple of days so you can get your head around all this.
It's a lot to take in.

The pair of them are taking the P out of you and laughing behind your back. The bloke you are married to has no respect or love for you. You can continue in this farce or take control of the life you deserve, your choice but you will never know a moments peace if you stay with him.

Duck that shit. I'd be out of there. Or rather he would be gone. Fast. This is not a man who respects you at all.he will do it again. He is working on damage limitation right now. Once your not on one any more he will be back shagging.

When he was upset and crying, he was telling you the truth. He doesnt want to lose her, cant see a life without her.

Now in the cold light of day, he is thinking shit, If we split, I will need to split all assets, move out, and if she (OW) doesnt want me, i guess the wife will do for now, until the OW wants me again.

Sorry to be harsh

Wow OP! You found your husband crying because he was happily shagging a good friend of yours and he was upset she’d put a stop to it?

You haven’t kicked his disgusting, cheating arse out?

You’re letting him call the shots on staying with you l, staying friends with her and when he tells the her you’ve found out?

The nasty skank is having a nice free holiday courtesy of your family with her unsuspecting family and you’ve just let her her away with it?

Honestly, my blood is boiling on your behalf but yours isn’t .

Have you always been this passive?

Clarrie

Keep talking, but please go back and read what you have said to us and think if it were someone else what would you be saying.

In all of this you are the person that is being devalued. They are putting themselves first and you are a bystander. Its wrong wrong wrong.

I think he needs to be told to leave so you can think clearly. I really don't think he deserves you at all. He's a shit, and as for the woman ? She is beneath contempt actually

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He's openly telling you he loves someone else and they're the only thing that makes his life worth living. What on earth is in that for you? He just wants to use you. He doesn't get to decide to keep his family together when he's told you what he has. It's up to you. What possible reason could you have for staying with someone who doesn't love you and has treated you like this?

How old are all the children?

Get your ducks in a row, no matter what you decide to do

You husband was crying because SHE Ended it !!!!!
HE WASNT crying because of anything else
Not for
yOU
CHILDREN
WHAT DEVASTATION HES CAUSED YOU & YOUR KIDS

Wasn’t it a good thing you went in when you did, this tosser wasn’t ever going to spill the beans to you. He got caught out crying, and had too

So now he’s decided
Yes I think it’s over too
I will tell her YOU know, leave it to me. WTF

You get you big knickers on. Take control of the mess he’s caused.
Do NOT let him dictate to YOU what should be done next

What I would do is
Whilst there 10”’s miles away from you
I’d text HER (in be known to husband)
Just say “ I KNOW you’ve been screwing my husband “
Then block her

Let HER tell her husband
Don’t you do the dirty work for her

Husband
I would ignore
all the deceitful things thats come out from his mouth over the year!!!!
Wouldn’t trust him as far as I could through him

Not one fuck is given by him is there. Most errant husbands at least pretend not to be heartbroken and still lusting over the woman! Well at least he's been honest...at last. He's fully taking the piss, OP. He thinks if he pours it all out to you then there's no no deceit and then that will be ok with you.

@hellsbellsmelons

The very very biggest mistake I made was keeping his dirty secret. It was eating me up, affecting my health and mental health and I still kept it secret. WHY????? I think it was because I felt shameful and like a failure and at that stage I didn't want anyone to think badly of him as I didn't know what my decision was. The weight that lifted when I told people was immense. Do NOT for one minute keep his dirty secret to protect him or her. You need some love and support and you need it now. Do you have non-judgey friend who you could confide in?

I'm not saying LTB yet.
This is way to raw for you and cheating may not be your deal-breaker.
But please please please make him leave for a couple of days so you can get your head around all this.
It's a lot to take in.

Exactly this

If he really wants to repair your marriage he will leave the job himself and prove to you that you matter most by throwing himself into new job and family.
Why isn't he offering to leave?

I don't mean she's on holiday atm at my sister's. I mean she did that a few years ago - she asked if she and her family could use my sister's flat for a holiday and we said yes and they stayed there for 2 weeks and we didn't even ask them for any money for electric or anything.
Not that any of that matters now. I just can't get my head around the betrayal. None of it seems real.
I am angry please don't think I'm not. But I'm also very very upset. I don't know what he expected me to do by telling me. Maybe he told me to punish her and spill her secret so she has to step up and go off with him Fuck knows!
I don't want my family broken up. I want what I thought I had (a happy normal marriage and children and friends and a nice house). AS I'm sitting here I'm looking at a big bottle of port she and her DH sent us for CHristmas. This is all so weird.

You seem so calm OP.
If I was in your shoes he’d be out the door and I’d be on the phone to her!
He clearly has shown he doesn’t care about you if she was the only thing keeping him going, the fact he is even entertaining the idea of being friends with her is ridiculous, no respect for you whatsoever, he needs to prove he wants nothing more to do with her, blocking her on everything, finding a new job etc etc, they will still carry on their relationship, he doesn’t sound to be remorseful for his actions at all.

I think the OP is in utter shock and has no idea how to deal with this situation. They are crying because they are "in love"...your husband would have wanted to carry on but the OW decided against it. I can guarantee you now this is not over by a long shot. This will ignite again even if they change jobs. This is not just some silly one night stand this became a relationship. Now, ask him to leave for a month so you can get your head around all this. You call the shots now. You decide if you want this type of man as your husband. He will then have to comply with all your requests. Sadly, your husband will probably cheat again. Your former marriage is broken, it does not exist anymore. You will have to start again with your husband if you wish to. You will spend the rest of your life wondering what he is doing or where he is going. Many on MN will attest to that from those who stayed. This is just so awful for you. I wish you all the best xx