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Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

(468 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

JeSuisPrest Tue 12-May-20 12:46:07

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Eesha Tue 12-May-20 12:46:59

Thanks for the shiny new thread! Here I am with no irons but living vicariously through everyone else!

Menora Tue 12-May-20 13:09:43

Thanks!

This is for crazycat... no other person should make you doubt yourself like this and feel so bad about how you are speaking to them! If he finds you annoying then that’s about him, he should just say ok well this isn’t going to work for me - not try to get you to be a different person that does fit what he wants

We do not date others to become the person they want we already are the person we are
His communication style is not right for you please don’t cling in there hoping he will be nice to you when there will be someone else who is just a nicer person and does like your concern

NoBloodyFighting Tue 12-May-20 13:14:06

Thanks jesuis and sorry to hear about you and Mr C. Hope you're okay too jane and those struggling with lockdown and finding/maintaining contact with irons.
Mr C and I are going through a bit of a rough patch too. I can't tell if it's the effect of lockdown or if we're coming to a natural end so I'm reluctant to make any big decisions.
This quote from sunshine really resonated with me: "Yes it’s love, but it’s a different kind of love, an ‘I like spending time with you and having you in my life but I don’t need you’ love". This sums my feelings pretty accurately and I'm not sure it's entirely fair on Mr C that I hold back so much.
Having read some of your frustrations with irons withdrawing/going cold, I worry a bit that I'm doing exactly that but I've tried to say I need some breathing space and it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Menora Tue 12-May-20 13:17:02

NoBloodyFighting

Sorry to hear of your rough patch. This sounds like a communication issue. How have you explained about needing space to him and how did he ignore it?

iamthrough Tue 12-May-20 13:24:39

Checking into new thread. Had a chat last night with Mr Mobile and he seems generally up for the idea of meeting at a 2m distance but we just said we'd wait 'til the weekend to make any decisions as who knows advice/rules may have changed again by then!
Can't place my finger on why but it's so easy to talk to him - we've been chatting for 1 1/2 - 2 hours everyday on face time since we met. Those having issues I think currently nobody really knows where their head is at the moment so i think don't make any decisions really - just go with the flow, everyone's emotions are so up and down how somebody is behaving at the moment is not necessarily indicative of their normal IFYSWIM - and that includes us!

bangheadhere40 Tue 12-May-20 13:26:10

Checking in.

Onesmallstep67 Tue 12-May-20 13:33:51

Marking my place.
Sorry to read about lots of issues occurring at the moment. Loads of brilliant and supportive advice being offered. For me personally this chat has provided lots of thoughtful and empowering guidance and has helped me to reinforce the understanding that I kind of already had, which is don't undervalue your own needs and question what's wrong with you. You are perfect just as you are and the right person will connect with you and vice versa. It shouldn't be hard work. You need someone open and prepared to give of themselves. Where we sometimes struggle is finding those people but it does definitely happen. And until then enjoy who comes into your life but don't get bogged down by irons not worthy of your time and attention.

NoBloodyFighting Tue 12-May-20 13:34:49

Menora thanks I think it is a comms issue but I don't know how to make it much clearer than I have! Literally "I just need a little space" and even more blunt than that but the more I seem to crave my space the more intense it becomes. I know lockdown is heightening everything at the minute and I have a few other stressful things going on but everything he does is irritating me.
It's like kicking a puppy though and I feel bad but with young dc clawing at me as well I feel completely suffocated.

JeSuisPrest Tue 12-May-20 13:35:05

"Yes it’s love, but it’s a different kind of love, an ‘I like spending time with you and having you in my life but I don’t need you’ love".

Yep, you absolutely both need to be on the same page if that's what you're offering. Very unfair on the other party otherwise. I have the tear stained t shirt to prove it.

Menora Tue 12-May-20 13:44:20

@NoBloodyFighting

I think you might have to put in some actual boundaries then, say you are not available to talk until X time or are busy and need to focus. It might be time to be clearer about how the stress of the intensity is affecting you and that you don’t want it to lead to resentment down the line?

NoBloodyFighting Tue 12-May-20 13:49:47

I know, jesuis that's why I'm trying to evaluate this properly so I'm not misleading. I'm so sorry flowers
Menora I have genuinely tried to explain my feelings on the intensity to no avail. I suppose I worry that I'm just being grouchy/unreasonable due to other things but I feel like I'm being snappy and I don't like that either. Then I get angry that I've explained several times and my boundaries are still ignored. Then the resentment festers and I want to call the whole thing off blush have some time tomorrow so will have to be cards on the table time. I just don't want to hurt his feelings.

Menora Tue 12-May-20 13:52:39

It sounds like he can’t see this from your POV. I think a really honest chat is the best way so that you don’t feel like you are ignoring him. Him being hurt is going to be his own kind of fault for not listening to you though!

crazycatlady20 Tue 12-May-20 14:19:22

@jesuisprest history isnt the best. he had a lot of stuff going on and didnt want a relationship so we left it. we've met lots and dtd before but hadnt been in touch just before lockdown. he popped up to say he'd like to give things a proper go and in some ways he has changed, tbh I thought hed have buggered off long before now. he is willing to talk about things whereas before he wasnt.

@iamthrough that's partly my thinking about no rash decisions. I know I am super lonely with lockdown and stressed with homeschooling too. it's all affecting us differently.

I sent mr hosp a message to say I wasnt happy and didnt think he had headspace for me. we are gonna chat later.

NoBloodyFighting Tue 12-May-20 14:26:37

Menora thanks this is helping. He can't at all but I've done my best to get him to understand, explained calmly and also a bit more sharply blush but the lockdown is exacerbating things. I'm wondering if it's casting the cold light of day on to the relationship and our incompatibilities or whether the unusual amount of stress is causing me to overthink things. Rule 13 is echoing in my head to be honest.

crazycatlady20 Tue 12-May-20 14:34:14

@nobloodyfighting I agree with @menora and put limits on it. like "I'm going to have a day to myself to get on with things, I'll call u after dinner" or something?

@needtogetbackinthesack just wanted to say hello. think ur post got lost. I love ur name lol.

dancemom Tue 12-May-20 15:11:58

Checking in
Still with Mr Farmer, still maintaining though that if any of us are still with our irons after lockdown it will be a miracle 🙏🏼

BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 12-May-20 15:14:07

Checking in smile

Got my social distance date with Mr York tomorrow, we’re meeting up for a walk in the park - might have to shout if we’re to keep 2 metres apart and it remains this windy grin

I’m not sure whether I fancy him from his pics so we’ll see tomorrow!

I’ve currently got no other irons so I definitely need to put more effort in on the apps!

supercali77 Tue 12-May-20 15:54:56

@crazycatlady20 so he's always been patchy and back and forth. Hes no use. Sorry to say. You can do better

ZoZoBo Tue 12-May-20 15:58:33

@needtogetbackinthesack we are in the same boat -my marriage ended in August too and I am just starting on this crazy OLD lark! So hello 😊 I am chatting to two ‘irons’ (where did that name come from btw?!) just need to give them names grin

supercali77 Tue 12-May-20 15:59:15

One of the best pieces of advice I gave.....to myself was. It doesnt matter what they say, it matters how you feel and what you want. I found some irons so confusing because their behaviour dodnt match their words. In the end it didnt matter why they did it, being understanding and supportive just deleted me of the energy to go for what I actually wanted in my life. They may have been lying, or just incapable, but one fact I could count on was how I felt. No matter how inconvenient or serious it might come across.

Needtogetbackinthesack Tue 12-May-20 16:19:35

Hi all, checking in and saying hi to everyone!

ZoZoBo - it's exciting isn't it! Have you got plans to meet either of them? (Sorry if you've already said, I only scrolled back a few pages)

There's one I'm speaking to who I was really excited about but he's just sent me 2 pics and now I'm questioning whether I fancy him, there was only one pic on tinder. I think I am being hugely judgemental though so will deserve thag judgement.

Sounds like lockdown is getting on everyone's nerves, sending moral support to all those going through issues with your irons (assuming this is irons in the fire reference? Love it!)

Menora Tue 12-May-20 16:32:41

Sometimes photos do not help, I have often fancied people way more in the flesh actually. Or a nice voice will do me a favour 😂

NoBloodyFighting Tue 12-May-20 16:32:46

It's a bit complicated but I will certainly try to talk it through properly and make it crystal clear one last time. I can feel this spiralling in my head already and my anxiety has gone through the roof, it shouldn't be like this. Thanks all flowers

EchoElephant Tue 12-May-20 17:11:43

Is anyone doing any first dates with social distancing?

My iron with the 4 grandchildren has asked if we can meet for a walk. He says he doesn't like messaging so would prefer to meet.
We have exchanged less than 20 messages, so I don't feel like I really know him.

Before I would've said yes, because I don't like constant messaging and I'd just meet and see if we get on rather than waste weeks chatting online.
But now I'm not so sure. I'm not convinced we're going to get on. He's 2 years older but seems about 10+yrs older.
But that maybe because he's rubbish at messaging.

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