Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@tigerdater I haven't but I'm done. I dont want him to see its bothered me tbh. I am intrigued to see if he comes back and what he has to say.

@xoxo80 I've tried a few but mainly use POF and badoo. most guys are on a few. not sure I'd say any are safer than others, that's up to u really being careful when u meet.

@EchoElephant & @crazycatlady20
thank you! I've never even been on a date haha! Married my childhood sweetheart and split after 20 years so thought it was time to get back out there 😊

@Jane1978xx interesting developments with Mr G, how are you feeling about it?

@crazycatlady20 I do get what you mean - blocking him tells him something about your feelings. I’ve only ever blocked two men that I’ve actually met, in both cases I sent them a short, cold farewell message explaining why their behaviour was unacceptable then blocked before they could respond. I wanted them to feel the contempt I had for them. I was angry, not hurt.

@dancemom it is interesting 🤣. I’ll see what happens he’s always been rubbish with saying what he means emotionally and he should just have been honest. Equally I got hung up on speaking or messaging loads as we’d always had some contact since the first day we spoke on old. But most of that was about plans or what we’d been up to , neither of which we have now. I’m just trying to be chill and see what happens. I think maybe for a lot of us who weren’t dating for a long time it will be restarting again when we do see each other again

@crazycatlady20 I am intrigued to see if he comes back and what he has to say.

Why are you even bothered by what he has to say to you? That door is closed to him now, throw him back for someone else to deal with. Are you hoping he'll see the errors of his ways, come crawling back with a grovelling apology and then getting back on the merry go round with him? We've all been there, some of us got on for a few more turns, the more sensible ones chose a different ride with someone else.

Read his reply if you must but under no circumstances reply to it. Your silence will speak louder than any reply you could send. 🌻

Match tip - create a profile, use it for a bit (you can't do much initially though - need to pay for messaging) then suspend it. A 50% off subscription will then be sent to you. I got 6 months for 30 quid.

The irony is that I don't use it much as it's nearly the same women on there as last Spring when I was last on there. I prefer it though as it's not swipey swipey finger ache never match. It's more typey typey finger ache and never hear back

No seriously, If you want to put yourself across seriously there's room there to create a detailed profile and you can state your preferences too. You can set up searches and get notified of new profiles under those searches so it takes a lot of the labour out of it if you've got some firm preferences. There's also a feature 'They've searched for someone like you' which can be helpful in locating vaguely compatible prospects that might consider you.

Communication is key in a relationship. Be careful Jane. It sounds like he'd pulled right back and caused you a lot of anxiety. You are right to hold back and let him come to you.

@Jane1978xx
That is confusing
I mean the bit about adding up the months and making sure they aren’t contributing to some kind of total RS time is odd, why would he be thinking that way? Oh no I had better make sure Jane doesn’t count X months into our RS or she might want to move in together?
Perhaps it’s the way he explained himself I am a bit

@Jane1978xx my translation of Mr Gs message would be under lockdown we aren't technically dating / together so I'm free to chat to / meet other people ... but maybe I'm just cynical 🤷🏻‍♀️
Genuinely hope it works out for you!

@dancemom I really hope not or he could just say to me he doesn’t want to speak to me at all , he’s also in a high risk group so it would be pretty stupid. @Menora I think he means more that when we said things like we’d meet up with kids at the end of the summer we might not see each other until then so we need time to get to know each other in person again.

Or maybe I’m being totally naive here.

That makes a bit more sense then @Jane1978xx

Hi everyone, I'm happy to have found this thread! OLD is such a minefield at the best of times and this is most definitely not the best of times!! I know I'm going to get lots of firm advice when I post this but please be kind, I'm a sensitive soul...

Have been messaging an iron (let's call him Mr Irish) for about 3-4 weeks. Things got pretty full-on in terms of frequency of messaging - several times a day, some hours in the evenings and always a good morning and good evening message - plus sporadic phone calls. I should add at this point the messages were friendly and a bit flirty but we hadn't even really talked about dating history etc. We had talked about meeting up once lockdown over.

Last week I started to feel he was pulling away - less frequent messaging, less interest and just everything cooler. His messages had become important to me as a support / release during this time and I genuinely thought there was something in it as we had so much in common and really got on well.

Anyway, we spoke on the phone and he told me that over the weeks we'd been talking that he had decided that we should just aim for friends and that he was no longer looking for a relationship. He said he was happy with his own space. Whereas I've been happy with my own space for years and now would really like to meet someone :(

Anyway, he really knocked the wind out of my sails and I was really upset about it. We have continued messaging occasionally but it's gradually reducing and I feel really sad about it. I know I need to pull myself together and move on but it's hard... I've been on the dating site for months and this is the first time I've met someone I thought was a possibility.

@Mumtolittleorange, I think what you are feeling is completely natural. You felt like you had started to connect with someone and enjoyed the chats and attention. And now he's changed the dynamic. I think the current climate has affected a lot of the relationships we discuss on here.
I would just do what feels right for you but taking a step back seems sensible as it seems he has already done so. Part and parcel of any kind of dating is that each person has to want it to progress. It's difficult when you feel that there haven't been many men recently that you have felt a spark with. You just have to trust that it WILL happen and get back online to see who else is out there. Things will feel very different when we have the opportunity to meet

@Mumtolittleorange it's really hard when you thought you had made a connection with someone and it can really knock your confidence. Don't be afraid of putting yourself first and withdrawing completely if that's what it takes to get over him. He might want a friendship, but that's not why you signed up for OLD so it's OK to say no.

@Mumtolittleorange

I know it feels really shit now, but in some ways he has been honest with you or led you on and he doesn’t seem to have acted like a dick so although this is shit feeling for you, in the long run it will be one of those learning curves. You clearly got along which means you aren’t rubbish at this at all! You haven’t done anything wrong or off putting it just fizzled out. It may be too hard to stay friends and that’s ok don’t feel obliged to.
Take a step back and think, relying on him/his contact may be one area you can work on for next time as with anything if you overshare or get too invested before clarifying ‘what’s going on here’, that is really the tricky part

Thanks ladies. He was honest and I do appreciate that but I wish I was finding it easier to get over the whole experience. I still find myself wanting to hear from him but I think if I don't initiate contact he will not either. I haven't messaged him at all today and I've heard nothing.

I know I should be thinking I've had a lucky escape etc etc. But I did get overly invested and let my mind run away with the whole thing. Lesson learnt I suppose. I will try to hold back next time. It's hard when you are open and honest. I think it mattered a whole lot more to me than it would have during 'normal' times.

It seems Mr Irish has now also restricted me on FB. How rude! How quickly things change. Why are people so fickle? Nothing untoward happened to us and I genuinely believed he wanted to be friends. I feel really hurt which I know is silly but...

@Mumtolittleorange honestly, at this stage I would just delete him. Either he just wants someone to keep him company in lockdown, or he is slowly going to play the friendship card but not really mean it, or worst case is he has something to hide now?

@CheesecakeAddict - yep that's what I think now. That he is trying to hide something and the 'I don't want a relationship' was an excuse. I feel like I've been played :(

@Mumtolittleorange
He may have been married or not fully single this has happened to me , I know how easy it is to get carried away my advice is if you wait longer to reply so it doesn’t get built up especially at this time then if they are not genuine they may get bored but I know easier said than done .

@Mumtolittleorange I honestly wouldn't put this down to being played. He was upfront about it and nothing had happened between you both. Could be someone hed been with before came back etc or something too complicated to explain. Ideally people are really really direct and open but we cant rely on it

That said. If deleting him is best. Please do it. Don't bother yourself over what he will imagine as concerns that, it doesnt matter. Just preserve your own wellbeing

@supercali77 You're right. He was honest. Just everything changed all of a sudden and I feel like I shared too much of myself. That makes me feel vulnerable and it has really added to my anxiety at this difficult time. It's so hard not to take things personally. I don't think I'm made for OLD but how else to meet someone, especially when you're older.

@Mumtolittleorange I think we all fall prey to over sharing at some point with certain people and particularly now I imagine it's easy to do. Vulnerability isnt a crime. That said, boundaries aren't just helpful for actions but also for chat. It's hard but it's worthwhile to keep to limits on what we share and at what stage.