Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@EchoElephant yes I’ve agreed to one.

We’re both child free and live alone though (and will keep 2M apart).

BooFuckingHoo2 How long have you been chatting for? I guess long enough that you both feel you want to meet.

I feel like I don't know him very well. But if he doesn't like to chat online then I'm not going to get much further that way, so a 2m chat might be better.
But I'd rather meet my friends than a stranger.

Menora a socially distant first date is perfect for me.
I've only ever met 2 men I wanted to snog on the first date. Most I couldn't wait to get away from them.

Think I've talked myself out of meeting him.

We’ve been chatting about three weeks now I think.

I wouldn't meet a stranger at the moment no. 627 deaths yesterday. I'd want to know them and trust who they had been in contact with. You don't know that after 20 messages. I have a list of people I'd like to meet up with now we can be 2m apart from one person at a time.

@crazycatlady20 so he already has form for treating you poorly. Throw this one back. You know you deserve better.

I don’t see what you have to lose echo, keeping 2metres apart in the open air. Change of scene etc. You never know.

Thanks for the new thread @JeSuisPrest!

Notcoolmum that's more or less what I said.
That I wasn't planning on meeting someone new for at least another 3 or 4 weeks. My priority is my friends and family.
And also that I like to get to know someone better before agreeing to meet them.

I wanted to add, if you can't be bothered to spend time messaging then OLD probably isn't going to work for you

My family are shielding and the majority of my friends live further away. This guy lives very close to me so yes he’s on the list of people I will meet outdoors at a 2M distance!

BooFuckingHoo2 I hope your date goes well

I think the difference between us is that I don't feel like I know mine very well. And from what little I know, I'm not convinced we would be compatible.

Anyway he replied that he understood why I didn't want to meet yet. But he doesn't like messaging much. And he was going to watch The Simpsons, so he would catch up later or tomorrow.

Just watching in case I should ever be interested in love again. I need to learn how to choose better and I'm hoping to learn from all your collective wisdom.

@mamascorpio great user name! Welcome aboard.

@Menora You could try this

Just checking in!

@crazycatlady20 how are things going with the iron since yesterday?

So Mr Vegan update. Basic radio silence the day before yesterday, then yesterday I had an interview and afterwards he messaged me to find out how it had gone. I let him know I got it and he rang me up to talk about it. Then I called him in the evening again just to chat and we had a nice chat about everything and I feel a bit more comfortable that he is just trying to keep himself really busy in lockdown as he lives alone and is furloughed so I think the lonliness is really hitting him.

We haven't planned any social distancing dates yet, but I think I would. They wouldn't have said it was safe otherwise.

@cheesecakeaddict that sounds really lovely.

my iron has gone. we didnt chat, he said he wasnt feeling great but text a bit about that but I'm blocked again today.

pissed off and upset that I'm really that bad. I really want to phone and have a go but that will just confirm what he thinks of me.

another old iron txt last night, asking how I was, unfortunately he lives too far away for me. never met but seems nice.

@crazycatlady20 this is not about you. He is a knob and playing games. You are so much better off without him in your life. What about just chatting to this guy - it might boost your confidence a bit and see not all men are like Mr Cunt (as he should be renamed)

@crazycatlady20 Have a really hard think about what you want from a relationship. Write it down. Regular calls? Messages? Makes you feel secure? Not anxious, overthinking things? Genuine interest in each others lives/wellbeing? Shared future goals? Living together/living apart? Are you OK if you're a saver and he's a spender? Are you OK with excessive drinking/casual drug taking? And probably a hundred other things.

These are not specific to your current iron, but it's important to know what you want out of a relationship. These are your markers in the sand. The things that you don't compromise on. The minimum requirements.

Honestly there are lots of good men and women out there looking for the same things as you. Don't accept someone messing with your feelings. If someone really wants to be with you they will absolutely make the effort to try and impress you. They will want to stand out from the crowd so you choose them. They will recognise your value and do everything they can to keep you engaged.

Really have a think about whether your iron is doing these things or if you are settling for the scraps he is throwing to keep you hooked enough that you don't look elsewhere 🌻

@cheesecakeaddict yeah I prob will keep talking to him. I dont really like leading people on or whatever but I've told him I think we're too far so guess he knows.

@jesuisprest thanks for taking the time to write all that, very good advice. I have thought of that. it's the reason we didnt go further before and again I guess as I told him what I needed (thanks to this thread 🙂) and he didnt have the guts to say he couldnt do it. just feel silly for trying again but hey that's life.

it's just so hard to find what your looking for.

jesuisprest excellent advice, thank you. I try and work out what I want then end up changing just to please the other person.

crazycatlady20 don't be too hard on yourself. You're obviously a very caring person and he is just a self centered idiot.
Unfortunately there are quite a few of them out there. Treat it as a learning experience for yourself.
Keep chatting to the other bloke. It's nice to exchange messages with someone.

I'm also chatting to someone who is way too far away. We both know it's not going anywhere but the chat is good and a nice distraction from life.
We've agreed that if we're still chatting by July then we'll try and meet for lunch somewhere half way. If nothing else then I've found a new online friend.

Ah I like this thread. Currently in the thick of OLD.

Met up with my iron a couple of times (social distancing was observed). He was nice but I didn't feel the spark. He's quite keen on it though- planning activities we will do as soon as lockdown ends. We have chatted every day for the past 2 weeks- he mostly always initiated it. He didn't yesterday and I didn't as well. Thinking of telling him I'm not interested in anything serious now? Feel awful.

Virtual date with another one yesterday. More my type but he's got two kids and only just separated from his partner. He asked for us to meet up. Not sure I wanna wade in the waters. Been a rebound once and it hurt.

@JeSuisPrest - great post. Even with a BF and what I think is a relationship going well, I'm going to do a check list and then think about it. Will ask him to do the same thing too, probably. Make sure we really are giving beach other what we want and need.

@CheesecakeAddict glad to hear your Mr Vegan news, Mr Farmer very similar to this, feeling the pressure of lockdown and can go quiet but I got brave and called him on it and we had a good chat about it all. I'm going to keep being me as that's what he said he needs.

@crazycatlady20 he's the problem, not you!

Please tell me you’ve deleted Mr Cunt’s number and chat and blocked him everywhere @crazycatlady20? You’re not ‘that bad’ as you say, it’s not your problem but his. You sound so nice and loving, but you need to protect yourself.

New to Mumsnet (hope this is ok to post on this thread) and new to OLD so much so I haven't even set it up yet 😳 looking for advice on the safest/best OLD website please?

Hey all. I’m back talking to mr g. He came back and explained himself but I am taking things very slowly and chatting as friends but letting him come to me. When he didn’t want a relationship what he meant was that he didn’t think we should be counting this apart time as part of the relationship. So if it’s another few months before we see each other we would have know each other 9 months but only been real life dating 4/5 so it’s too soon to be making plans like moving in or meeting kids etc and we should start again. Which does make sense to me now. Also on the talking every night it was too much for him as by the time he’d finished working and was settled all he was doing was talking to me and no time to call family or friends or just have his own time. Which makes sense too and I wish he’d said that. I’ve just said to him tell me what you mean next time as trying to hide from things or not give full pic is worse than just saying look can we talk every 2/3 days I want to talk to my friends and family too.

@xoxo80 welcome!
Main apps are POF, Tinder and Bumble.
Also Match if you are willing to pay but lots on there are on the free apps as well.
You have to try them all and see which one suits you.
Depends on what you're looking for, where you live and your age.

Personally I like Tinder. Bumble never works for me.

Depends what you mean about safest. You are responsible for your own safety. Read the rules at the start of the thread.
And ask away on here if you're unsure.
There is always lots of great advice