Someone please tell me what I'm meant to do here

(243 Posts)

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fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits Mon 30-Mar-20 23:54:05

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible otherwise I'll be writing all day.

Background: been together a year, live together, 3 children between us, 2 are mine and one is his who comes each weekend. He's generally good to me. BUT..

Twice I have ended it with him due to his obsession with constantly touching me! So I can be doing something as mundane as stirring dinner and he will come and grab my bits, last weekend after a couple of weekend drinks he got heavy handed (as is normal) but in a joking way but he slapped my leg so hard that I retaliated badly, it makes me feel awful. He also ripped my jeans and top off me that same night, this is a regular occurance, he's destroyed many of my clothes/underwear.

I'd finally had enough a few weeks ago and ended things, he was beyond distraught, promised to stop it all, I know that breaking up with him would result in a spiral of issues for him so I very reluctantly agreed to give one last (second!) chance!

Tonight he has made a sly comment about me never wanting to have sex with him, has also jokingly gone to throw something at me, to the point I've flinched. I'm not a wallflower, I give him what for but it never stops. Now tonight he's saying I never allow him to make decisions with me which is just so untrue and now he has and issue with my 3yo coming into the bed in the night. I get the last one, but don't see the need for an argument over it.

I warned him last time anymore hurting me or pushing me too far would end the relationship, he's been 'good' the past 2/3 weeks but it's starting to escalate.

I'm so unhappy. I feel pressured into having sex or doing sexual things with him. I don't fancy him, he creeps me out.

Tonight he put a lighter to my trousers near my bits, I went mad, felt the heat for ages after and could smell the burning. Again, went mad, he proceeded to then do it to my bum from behind! Again, the heat and burnt smell was there.

I fully KNOW this isn't normal. And I can't carry on! He will break if and when I end this. I just don't know what to do 😞

Sorry if there's lots of typos, I'm typing quick with him the other end of the sofa. Currenty not speaking.

OP’s posts: |
wonderrotunda Mon 30-Mar-20 23:57:07

Why are you still with him?

fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits Mon 30-Mar-20 23:57:39

@wonderrotunda I honestly don't know. I don't want to be but don't know how to get out.

OP’s posts: |
TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 30-Mar-20 23:59:25

He sounds so awful OP.

Is it your house or do you rent?
Is he on mortgage?

Palavah Mon 30-Mar-20 23:59:42

In whose name is the house? Rented or mortgaged?

I'm a bit concerned about you putting yourself and your child in danger. Can you confide in someone you know in real life? Do you have anywhere else you can go?

Pushmepullyou Tue 31-Mar-20 00:00:07

Honestly, if you think he will break then fuck it. Break him. That’s what he’s trying to do to you

73Sunglasslover Tue 31-Mar-20 00:00:28

None of what you're describing is right or respectful. Do you think he's trying to scare you? Or does he just not care whether you like having you clothes lit or burnt? This is abusive OP. I k ow its easier said than done but I think you need to leave him. I think he's a dangerous man. Have you been hurt by men before?

LadyMinerva Tue 31-Mar-20 00:00:39

You need to end it. Immediately. He will never, ever change. 1 year in should still be the honeymoon period.

If you can't end it for you, end it for your kids. They will grow up believing that this is what relationships are meant to be like.

CtrlU Tue 31-Mar-20 00:01:00

I’m sorry but this is another case of a rushed relationship. You moved him in too fast without really knowing him and now it’s backfired and you don’t know how to get out of the situation...

It’s as simple as you tell him to leave or you put up and shut up

justilou1 Tue 31-Mar-20 00:01:48

He is an abusive, sick sex pest. Call the police!

Jaguarana Tue 31-Mar-20 00:02:40

You must leave, whatever it takes. There's no doubt in my mind from reading your post that he will really hurt you if you don't. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Qgardens Tue 31-Mar-20 00:02:49

You are questioning yourself? Why? That's the real question.
Get out immediately. It's a no brainer. What is worrying is why you feel you can't.

fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits Tue 31-Mar-20 00:02:53

It's my house. It's just so hard with the current situation aswell with the lockdown etc. He's got issues I think, maybe abandonment issues, his mum wasn't a very good mum and his dad left when he needed him most. Splitting will be sending him back to his mums. It'll be awful.

This is where I'm not totally unaware tho, I can see exactly what he's doing yet I don't want to be the reason he goes under so to speak. It's so hard and I feel so trapped

OP’s posts: |
CtrlU Tue 31-Mar-20 00:03:16

This is why you need to get to know your potential partners before rushing into things so soon - especially when you have children to think about. I’m sorry but this is abit irresponsible

Oblahdeeoblahdoe Tue 31-Mar-20 00:04:23

Surely you need to tell him to leave, it's really weird behaviour and menacing. Other than that have you somewhere to go? Sorry you're going through this at this terrible time

Rainbowunicat Tue 31-Mar-20 00:04:29

Holy fuck that's one of the worst things I've heard, the burning thing! You'd be within your rights to call 999!
Get out of there.

CtrlU Tue 31-Mar-20 00:04:29

I wouldn’t want someone so hands on personally around my child. That mixed with his crazy past - I’m getting predator vibes.

Get out before it’s too late

fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits Tue 31-Mar-20 00:05:06

I know I've been foolish. I've told my mum that I'm actually worried that some day soon he will go too far and really hurt me. He says he's just playing and that he's "just trying to have fun" with me.

OP’s posts: |
Oblahdeeoblahdoe Tue 31-Mar-20 00:07:28

You're not the reason he'll go under, he is. It's called taking responsibility for his actions.

LizB62A Tue 31-Mar-20 00:07:57

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him, he sounds dangerous....

Knackeredmommy Tue 31-Mar-20 00:08:42

No, he needs to leave. I was alarmed by the ripped jeans comment yet alone burning you. Very worrying OP, get him out ASAP.

BaronessBomburst Tue 31-Mar-20 00:08:48

Call the police for advice. Get him removed from your house.

FreedomBird Tue 31-Mar-20 00:09:16

Make arrangements before you ask him to leave. He sounds dangerous and unpredictable. See if you can find a locksmith?
Make sure you are able to shut him out and keep him out once you’ve ended things.

Seeyou Tue 31-Mar-20 00:09:29

You are being very kind to him here. But it is not your job to fix him.
If he is having issues with his mother , he needs to address them with her.
And why should his mental well being be more important than you and your kids mental and physical safety.
You know you need to get rid of him .

fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits Tue 31-Mar-20 00:10:06

I really really don't like doing anything sexual with him. I cringe when he tries to kiss me in a sexual way. Tonight I've caved just to get some peace and quiet about it all. I have a split on my nipple from where he's pulled them so much. He doesnt leave me alone. I feel like this will scar me for life so to speak. My ex wasn't the best but not like this.

OP’s posts: |

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