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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Someone please tell me what I'm meant to do here

242 replies

fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits · 30/03/2020 23:54

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible otherwise I'll be writing all day.

Background: been together a year, live together, 3 children between us, 2 are mine and one is his who comes each weekend. He's generally good to me. BUT..

Twice I have ended it with him due to his obsession with constantly touching me! So I can be doing something as mundane as stirring dinner and he will come and grab my bits, last weekend after a couple of weekend drinks he got heavy handed (as is normal) but in a joking way but he slapped my leg so hard that I retaliated badly, it makes me feel awful. He also ripped my jeans and top off me that same night, this is a regular occurance, he's destroyed many of my clothes/underwear.

I'd finally had enough a few weeks ago and ended things, he was beyond distraught, promised to stop it all, I know that breaking up with him would result in a spiral of issues for him so I very reluctantly agreed to give one last (second!) chance!

Tonight he has made a sly comment about me never wanting to have sex with him, has also jokingly gone to throw something at me, to the point I've flinched. I'm not a wallflower, I give him what for but it never stops. Now tonight he's saying I never allow him to make decisions with me which is just so untrue and now he has and issue with my 3yo coming into the bed in the night. I get the last one, but don't see the need for an argument over it.

I warned him last time anymore hurting me or pushing me too far would end the relationship, he's been 'good' the past 2/3 weeks but it's starting to escalate.

I'm so unhappy. I feel pressured into having sex or doing sexual things with him. I don't fancy him, he creeps me out.

Tonight he put a lighter to my trousers near my bits, I went mad, felt the heat for ages after and could smell the burning. Again, went mad, he proceeded to then do it to my bum from behind! Again, the heat and burnt smell was there.

I fully KNOW this isn't normal. And I can't carry on! He will break if and when I end this. I just don't know what to do 😞

Sorry if there's lots of typos, I'm typing quick with him the other end of the sofa. Currenty not speaking.

OP posts:
AlunWynsKnee · 31/03/2020 00:30

He has tried to burn you. Twice. That's police worthy any day of the week. I think you need the police there before you dump him for your protection. Are you able to text your mum to call them tonight?

Minty2020 · 31/03/2020 00:30

That’s definitely not normal behaviour. Only one year in and he’s burning you and thinks it’s funny . Kick him out or it will definitely get worse, he sounds absolutely nuts !

Justtryingtobehelpful · 31/03/2020 00:32

Tell him you're stomach feels dodgy and you're going to sleep downstairs. Make out you might get D&V. Don't want to disturb him, etc.

Call them police in the night after he passes out. Research a locksmith. Find a 24 hour locksmith and book them. Arrange for a police presence when you get him to leave. Have locksmith ready.

Domestic violence is a big concern for the police during lockdown. They will support you.

www.police.uk/contact/101/

Longdistance · 31/03/2020 00:32

He nearly set you on fire. He needs to leave ASAP and never darken your doorstep ever again. Tell him to leave . Get your keys off him, if not change the locks and dump his crap outside. Call police. Protect your dc. The short fall out is better than them seeing this abuse long term.

Original poster
fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits · 31/03/2020 00:32

Thing is when he burnt my trousers he told me it was a joke and that I had fluff. Ridiculous

OP posts:
CtrlU · 31/03/2020 00:33

I’m sorry OP but this guy I’ll have you and your children under some serious manners and lock and key in the near future if you don’t stand up for yourself now and get him out !

Imagine he starts on your children ??

I’m sorry to be so extreme but this guy IS extreme and his capable of anything.

offlikeabanger · 31/03/2020 00:34

He is either going to seriously hurt you, or push you so far that you retaliate again and seriously hurt him.

Both of lose leave your kids in a terrible situation.

Those are the only two outcomes I can see unless you get rid ASAP.

Original poster
fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits · 31/03/2020 00:35

His actions are starting to provoke me badly. He slapped my legs so hard the other day that I hit him. No children around of course. But the main thing is that I just don't want him near me. Every fibre in my body says no.

OP posts:
offlikeabanger · 31/03/2020 00:35

And get a Claire's Law done on him.

bulletjournalbilly · 31/03/2020 00:38

Why are you putting your children through this?!?

Fucking hell, you'll end up dead!

louise5754 · 31/03/2020 00:39

Your poor kids

UYScuti · 31/03/2020 00:39

he told me it was a joke
What that old line🙄
just a primitive distraction technique

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 00:40

What's your plan then OP?

Make the decision, make a plan and then call the police (tonight or tomorrow morning) and get him the fuck out.

They will help you but it doesn't seem like you're actually going to do anything about this.

Your poor, poor kids.

loubieloo4 · 31/03/2020 00:40

Stop being selfish, worry about your kids lives. Call the police now.

I have permanent scars from a "boyfriend" of my mums.....

pallisers · 31/03/2020 00:41

What a terrible situation for your children. And you. But you have some agency - they don't.

First thing tomorrow morning call the police. Tell them he tried to burn you last night and you were too scared to call them. Tell them you are terrified of what he will do if you ask him to leave. You believe he may try to kill you. When the police come around, get them to arrest him/make him move out/whatever. Then block him, make sure he can't get it, tell your friends and family what a fucking psycho weirdo he is (because he is) and do the freedom programme before you ever even have a coffee with a man again.

This is one sick fuck and he is in your house. you need to get him out. The police will help you.

Teabaseddiet · 31/03/2020 00:42

Seriously OP, report him to the police, the burning thing is enough to do this. Tell them you're scared of him, they should help him to leave. Change the locks.

PostieGal · 31/03/2020 00:42

Please call 999 now, you're not safe.

pallisers · 31/03/2020 00:43

Or you could continue as you are with your children growing up in a home where their mother's boyfriend is an abusive psycho (but LOVELY at times of course) and their mother occasionally reacts by battering him too. Seriously? is this what you want for you and your children.

louise5754 · 31/03/2020 00:44

I hope you're using protection too op otherwise you will never fully be rid

notsuremate · 31/03/2020 00:46

This is not on. You’ve split up with him once. You’ve warned him. He’s done it again. Tell him to go. He’s abusive. This is not normal behaviour. You know this. Get rid! You’re unhappy. Get rid of him!

Numbness2020 · 31/03/2020 00:50

999 and stop drinking. Non molesation order at emergency hearing tomorrow

Never drink whilst under the control of someone so dangerous.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 00:52

Never drink whilst under the control of someone so dangerous.

1000 x this.

Original poster
fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits · 31/03/2020 00:53

I know what I need to do. I don't have much in the way of family support etc except for my mums but she develops terrible anxiety about these things. I am making a plan. I will text my sister in the morning and go there and then end it by message so that I'm out of the way. Another complication is I have a dog, if I leave in the morning for a while then the dog has to come with me. Yes

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 31/03/2020 00:55

This is awful OP. Please throw him out ASAP. His issues are not your concern- that he's assaulting you and putting you (and by extension, your child) in danger, is.

Please boot him out, and keep us upated. I agree with PP's who say to have someone else there when you throw him out. I think it's justified in the circumstances.

MrsKHB · 31/03/2020 00:55

Bloody hell! If he can do all that to you when he's 'joking' imagine what he'd be like if he ever lost his temper!