Someone please tell me what I'm meant to do here

[fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits]

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible otherwise I'll be writing all day.

Background: been together a year, live together, 3 children between us, 2 are mine and one is his who comes each weekend. He's generally good to me. BUT..

Twice I have ended it with him due to his obsession with constantly touching me! So I can be doing something as mundane as stirring dinner and he will come and grab my bits, last weekend after a couple of weekend drinks he got heavy handed (as is normal) but in a joking way but he slapped my leg so hard that I retaliated badly, it makes me feel awful. He also ripped my jeans and top off me that same night, this is a regular occurance, he's destroyed many of my clothes/underwear.

I'd finally had enough a few weeks ago and ended things, he was beyond distraught, promised to stop it all, I know that breaking up with him would result in a spiral of issues for him so I very reluctantly agreed to give one last (second!) chance!

Tonight he has made a sly comment about me never wanting to have sex with him, has also jokingly gone to throw something at me, to the point I've flinched. I'm not a wallflower, I give him what for but it never stops. Now tonight he's saying I never allow him to make decisions with me which is just so untrue and now he has and issue with my 3yo coming into the bed in the night. I get the last one, but don't see the need for an argument over it.

I warned him last time anymore hurting me or pushing me too far would end the relationship, he's been 'good' the past 2/3 weeks but it's starting to escalate.

I'm so unhappy. I feel pressured into having sex or doing sexual things with him. I don't fancy him, he creeps me out.

Tonight he put a lighter to my trousers near my bits, I went mad, felt the heat for ages after and could smell the burning. Again, went mad, he proceeded to then do it to my bum from behind! Again, the heat and burnt smell was there.

I fully KNOW this isn't normal. And I can't carry on! He will break if and when I end this. I just don't know what to do 😞

Sorry if there's lots of typos, I'm typing quick with him the other end of the sofa. Currenty not speaking.

I work as a psychiatric nurse and see a lot of emotional blackmail due to other people's issues.
I imagine this is what will happen when you break things off with him.
But hear me clearly when I say You are not responsible for how somebody else regulates their emotions.
You are not responsible for issues they have never dealt with.
You cannot fix someone, they have to do this themselves.

Lastly...is he a healthy role model for your children? Would you want your children to do or accept these behaviours as adults?

If you do break it off, do it cleanly with no continued contact thinking that you are helping him or supporting him by keeping contact. It will make it worse.
Good luck

Excellent ^^

Op how are you doing? XxX thinking of you

There is no onus at all on the Op.to.reply but I really hope shes ok. I know many women have died in the UK recently, directly as a result of lockdown. My fear is the OP is one of those. We will never know but I wonder is this something @mumsnethq would consider? Connecting the posts to deaths, to be brutal about it.

I don’t know if you’ve ever returned to this thread @fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits but I do hope your safe.

This man literally gets a kick out of hurting you, it’s clear his favourite way is to torment you sexually, but in the absence of this will settle for poking you or starting a fight. Hurting you is his drug and he is addicted, he will NOT stop. The most you will ever get is a reprieve, and that’s only to pull you back in when he has pushed to far. He literally needs you to get his high, so of course he is not going to let this/you go so easily. This is why you need to police.

He is playing you like a game of bloody poker, he keeps on raising the stakes and when you’ve ended things he’s pulled out the Ace card and cried about his mental health/mummy/daddy issues or whatever his excuses are. His issues may be real, but let’s be honest here, it is an act and used for the purposes of control and to guilt you into staying and continuing to be his victim. If he was so concerned, frightened of these issues of how he would cope, if it was genuine don’t you think he would stop hurting you and behaving like he does? He can’t though can he? He can’t stop, and he won’t stop!!!

Make no mistake this man is dangerous!!! Incredibly so, how chilling that he does such terrible hurtful and painful things to you and calls it a joke!!!! He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

You have had many posters tell you to leave now and to involve the police and I really hope you have. However, just in case you are still with him, in case you are still suffering abuse at the hands of this man I wanted to write this in the hope that it could offer you some insight and perhaps some clarity. They say it takes on average 7 times for a woman to leave her abuser, I really hope it doesn’t take so many for you. Stay safe OP, and please don’t be afraid to come back here for support, whether you have left him or not is irrelevant just reach out for support, I for one am happy to give it regardless.

Jesus that’s pretty gross. You do know he would do that to anyone he was with it’s not about you? You could be anyone to him he is just a sleaze bag. There ain’t no love or caring in it. He don’t even respect you. Your just female. Seriously there is no way on earth I’d ever accept being touched unless it was my choice. When someone doesn’t accept your saying no they ar basically saying your just a piece meat. Seriously made my skin crawl

I hope you got him out op. This is not normal behaviour, it sadistic and cruel. Please get the police involved.

How are you op?

Hope you are OK op...

I'm here, sorry. I tried to get rid of him, it didn't work. He's trying so hard but my heart tells me no. I realise that sounds weak, I'm not happy. This man ya not my future. Why do I feel so guilty admitting that? He relies on me, I am fix stability,, his daughters stability.

Try not to be hard on yourself this is not your fault. Do things at your own pace but you know that this situation cannot continue it's not normal behaviour on his behalf. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Please organise yourself to get away you will never look back. Take care

Just to be clear, he is sexually assaulting you. You have asked him to stop. He is carrying on knowing you don't like it and doesn't care. he is not taking your protests seriously. Or maybe he is but just doesn't care.
You don't have to be assaulted, you have no obligation to protect his mental health. If he was that bothered whether you will leave, he would stop doing it. It is his choice to carry on assaulting you. It can be your choice to end the relationship.
And you should not be allowing your children anywhere near this pervert.
Might be best to have someone else there when you tell him to go, as he clearly has no qualms about hurting you. Call the police.

Oh OP I was trapped for years by guilt.

Since I finally got rid of him after 7 years of ending it, he raped me repeatedly and has been in a mental hospital 3 times. We are now NC. He doesn't see his kids as he was assessed as too high risk.

You are being raped. Look up the definition. This is unacceptable.

Don't sacrifice your life and your children's lives for him. My kids have taken years to recover.

Next time he leaves the house lock him out. Block him. Never ever look back.

You can't be blackmailed or held hostage to be in a relationship.

You're not responsible for him or his mental health.

You're not responsible for his child, sorry I haven't rtft recently so not sure what the story is with other parent but you are not responsible.

You tried to have s relationship with him in good faith, with total sincerity and his behaviour was such that you (and anyone) didn't want to continue it .. could t continue it. That's your human right.

You have rights too. Your right to mental health and happiness is equal to his. And you're not the one who's acted in such a way in.s relationship that you've left the other person wanting out.

I am his stability,, his daughters stability.

You have been together one year. The above is simply not true, and only proves that you should never have got the kids involved and moved in as quickly as you have.

The longer you take to get rid, the more guilty you will feel, and wrongly so.

It's his responsibility to put his kid first. Just as your responsibility and loyalty should lie with yours.

You NEED to do this soon.

This is why you need to get to know your potential partners before rushing into things so soon - especially when you have children to think about. I’m sorry but this is abit irresponsible

Really?! Just not helpful 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it’s quite clear the OP is not coming back.

And I disagree it’s not helpful Ohyear

It might be a bit late for the OP but something tells me she’s not reading now anyway. It could be incredibly helpful in another woman reads it an d it stops her from making the same mistake.

Oh I do apologise, I see the OP is back under a name change. I was skimming and looking for highlighted updates. Will catch up on the thread now.

Christ on a bike, as if the stuff in this thread wasn’t bad enough.....

I tried to get rid of him. It didn’t work.

Then you need to try much, much harder. He’s a druggie psychopathic waster with no respect for you. He’s incapable of behaving like a fully formed adult and takes no responsibility for anything, and you know it. You aren’t even at the stage where you are still in denial about it, you’ve gone past that point. Just pack his stuff and send him to his mothers today. Block him on every form of contact and alert the police or women’s aid if he becomes a problem. Don’t listen to the begging and the pleading, he’s clearly an arch manipulator as well as a creep and an abusive weirdo.

And I seriously recommend you rehome the dog while it’s still young enough to be of interest to people who have the time and the resources to train and stimulate a breed like that properly. That certainly isn’t you and keeping that puppy will end in tears. God alone knows why you thought it was a great time to take on a puppy, you have enough have on your plate right now, don’t you?

You shouldn’t be ‘having a few drinks’ either.

Why on earth are you worrying about what will happen to him??
He has assaulted you and sexually assaulted you many times. He doesn't give a shit about what happens to you.

CALL THE POLICE to get him to leave.
He is going to hurt you badly one night, especially as you both seem to be drinking.

Much better that your daughter sees a bit of a scene with him leaving than she sees you beaten up, or continues to live in this horrible environment.

Put your daughter before the feelings of a horrible man.

I read on another thread that you’re pregnant?? So you have an unborn child, a young child, an older child (fortunately not with you at the current time) and a puppy to think of, yet you still haven’t acted to protect them, despite everyone on this thread repeatedly advising you to do so? You are putting them in danger and prioritising the feelings of some random prick over their safety. I hope for their sake that someone takes this out of your hands and reports both of you.

@FloconDeNeige yes, with twins, no less. To a cokehead.

I’m confused

You’re now pregnant to this man?

Unless the twins are a deliberate red herring to put people off the scent of the OP's real identity, she must be practically due by now. Who gets a puppy when they have twins due any week?

By my calculations she must be at least 30-32 weeks pg now, to have known they were twins on 24th November.

So she says she's been with this this man a year but has been PG since at least mid september, so within six months of getting together with him. And this is after leaving her last partner for being an abusive waste of space.

Honestly, there's just no helping some people.

So in answer the the original OP, 'Someone please tell me what I am meant to do here.'

I'll tell you. Grow up. Learn to be more discerning with men. Have higher standards for yourself next time. Stop repeating the same mistakes over and over. Stop lurching from one fuckwit to another and having kids with all of them. Pull yourself together and stop dithering. Kick him out and start protecting your children. You brought him into your home far too early and now you need to face up to that and deal with it. He's been a fucking useless cocklodger from the beginning and you know it.

Get rid of your dog. If it's true that you are PG with twins (or even not twins) then you are in absolutely no place to be caring for a new puppy right now. It's kinder to rehome it while it's young enough to get a fresh start and some proper training. Focus on what you NEED, in order to be able to give your kids a stable, straightforward and safe household to grow up in. Put your love life on the back burner for a while and get your house in order.