Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Your children will know more what is going on than you realise, my dad was a bit like this & it was a relief when my mum finally kicked him out.

Don't stay together 'for the kids' because they will know it's a lie & feel awful.

Check what benefits you will be entitled to on your own & find out about council housing if you can't stay where you are.

Yes it will be hard being on your own but surely better than walking on egg shells all the time?

You clearly didn't have anyone modelling good healthy relationships for you when you were growing up & as you've been together since your teens you don't realise how seriously wrong this all is. Relationships shouldn't be like this full stop.

You don't have to be screaming and crying for it to be rape, many people freeze, go quiet, unable to speak. Many people don't say anything in the hope it's over quickly.

Answer honestly here, do you have sex with your husband when you DON'T want to ?

Lipz. Honestly since I realised 3 years ago that what he was doing wasnt right I dont want sex with him anymore. I feel uncomfortable. I dont feel loved and comfy with him so because of that I dont feel like sex. If I ever have sex with him it's to make him happy. So yes all the time.

Mothership I have spoken to him about it. He says things like...well I wouldn't mind you doing it to me. I just want all of you. You just turn me on. Etc. He also sent me a meme...if that's the right word? And it was a picture of a man dry humping a woman. It said "if your man doesnt hump your from behind while you do horse is he even your man"
Other people are ok with this behaviour makes me feel like a prude

Kbm thank you will look into those things.
I just dont want to be a broken family.
Although he acts this way with me he is lovely to everyone else and a great guy. Extremely popular. Like everyone loves him. Makes me feel like theres something wrong with me.
I dont want to hurt him and I know he will be heartbroken. I dont want to take any of his money or house etc he doesnt have alot of money.
I just dont know what to do.

The abuse you've suffered at the hands of others and continue to do at the hands of your so called husband is all their fault and not yours. If you have not already done so I would also urge you to contact NAPAC as they are very helpful to adult survivors of childhood abuse.

He does not love you and you're repeating a version of your own abusive childhood in your adult life. Abuse is all you have really known and all the adults in your life from childhood onwards have let you down abjectly. No-one sadly protected you from being abused as you were then. Your boundaries, already messed up by abuse, have been further eroded by this man to this now low point in your life.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

It will NOT be horrific for your children for you to divorce your abuser in the shape of your H now. You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those. You have more power here than you think; you've been basically told all your life by abusers that you have no voice but they are wrong. Take back some of the power here in your life by seeking proper legal advice with a view to divorcing him rather than remain as a passive bystander in it.

And do not think your children think that you are happy at home; they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here between you and he. You would not want this for them as adults and its not good enough for you either.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. That is correct; none.

OP your boundaries are messed up because of your past and this is in no way a healthy relationship or a place to bring up children.

He is regularly sexually assaulting you and has been raping you. Your children will be aware of what's going on. They may not know what it is exactly, but they will know there is something very wrong.

Please take a look at the Freedom Programme as well. Try and attend it if you can so you learn about healthy relationships.

OMG what have I just read?!! What an utter arsehole.

I would think that one or two people have their own private based suspicions about your H particularly if they have seen the two of you together.

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. They can also be very plausible to those in the outside world. You would not be breaking up the family if you were to separate from him - he has done this already by abusing you as he has done.

He doesn’t care about you, he cares about what he can get from you.

Please also call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you here

NAPAC's website is this link:-napac.org.uk/

We're cross posting OP. It's no problem. Get as much info as you can and, while you're preparing, see if you can attend the Freedom Programme as it's run on a rolling basis and you can join anytime.

I understand your fear of leaving but you are doing no one any favours by staying with this man. It's very, very common for abusive men to be charming and lovely to everyone. It's a form of gaslighting because they make you feel as though you are mad because everyone things they're great and you experience abuse.

He's abusive OP and you are in the fog of abuse. When you get away and look back, you'll wonder why you stayed so long.

Please start taking steps to leave.

Thank you everyone for replies
I'm sorry you must all think I'm stupid but it's hard to show the full picture of everything on a post and sometimes I think is it me am I overexaggerating. Does noone else's husband do this?
I feel like I owe him. He kind of saved me from my previous life. He works and provides for us.
I think I need just a bit of time to think and make sure I really am seeing things right and then if I see that things really do need to end I will look into things and try to do what's best for the children. I'm just so scared about how I will provide for them and where we will end up. But I'll have a look into things.

Please speak to women’s aid and get a solicitors appointment as soon as possible. You poor thing, he’s abused and gaslighted you for years

You’re not stupid, you’ve just been abused for years - many women have found themselves in the same situation. But please do try and get help and get yourself out....

I don't think ANYONE here thinks you are stupid.

He has worn you down with years of abuse. We just want you to realise that you don't have to put up with being treated like this. Yes, of course it is scary but living a life in fear of being pestered and groped every day must be miserable.

Please talking to us if it helps you find the courage to change this. You can do this. I promise.

Do look into things. Abusive husbands act as your H has and continues to do to you. His actions are about power and control and he wants absolute over you. Your abusers in childhood wanted absolute power and control over you too.

I would urge you to keep writing on your thread, you need a safe outlet apart from anything else.

No-one here thinks you are stupid. Absolutely not. You are not stupid.

You do not owe this man anything let alone a relationship now. Why should you at all feel grateful to him?. I would read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that relates to your own behaviours around him. He did not infact rescue you from your previous life, he targeted you and deliberately so to abuse you further after your own childhood abuses. He has let you down as a person abjectly too.

You are not stupid, and you do not owe him. And no, not everyone's husbands do this. I feel so sad that you think this is normal. It's so hard to see when you've been programmed to accept things as normal but he is not a nice man and he shouldn't treat you like this.

He is a disgusting abusive rapist who does not love you. If he did, he wouldn't be doing this to you.

Leave, for yours and your children's sake. Do you want them growing up thinking this is normal relationship behaviour?

Does noone else's husband do this? I feel like I owe him.

The fact that you feel this way shows the extent you have been abused and brainwashed.

I understand how overwhelming all this must seem, but can you do 2 things while you consider your options for a future without him:-

1. Freedom Programme (online or local meetings)
2. Learn about self-esteem and boundaries (books from library and podcasts/YouTube/online articles)

Those are the tools that will help you gain the strength you'll need in the months and years ahead.

Thanks so much for all responses I will read through again properly later when kids asleep.
I just keep thinking about it and worrying. What of I'm over exaggerating. It doesnt feel as bad as everyone is making out. And maybe that's my fault for making out its worst than it is.
I know what he did those years ago was wrong but he hasn't dont it since.
He touches me in my sleep. Sometimes every night for a few weeks then may go a whole 3 weeks without doing it. Hes not done it in a few weeks now.
Also the innuendos and constant sexual behaviour is subtle away from children or when they are sleeping. And it's not like its contant constant. It is every day but it's not every minute of every day.
I googled abusive behaviour and there were a few where I thought maybe he is a little like that. Just a bit controlling but not to a huge extent and none of the physical and alot of the others didnt apply either

You're in the middle of it, you have been for years and you can't see what's going on clearly. Also, if you were abused as a child, you may not understand unhealthy relationships, it may all be normal to you.

He is abusive. He is sexually abusing you. He has raped you and is sexually assaulting you in your sleep.

If you contact Rape Crisis, they have a chat facility if you don't want to talk to anyone, they will validate what I'm saying. You are in an abusive relationship OP and it is bad.

It's hardly surprising you don't want to see it because the upheaval of splitting up and facing up to abuse is hard. However, you cannot remain with him because he's abusing you and you have to get out.

You need to demonstrate a healthy, loving environment for your children so they don't go on, like you, to mirror their home life when they're adults. You need to get out, for you, for the sake of your mental health and happiness. Continuing like this is going to destroy you.

He asked you to give him a blow job while your children were 2 foot away in the back of the car.

That's not subtle.

But the children are no abused they have everything they need they are loved they are happy they see nothing of it.
They were asleep in the car not that I agree with it still but they didnt see it.

I'm scared to leave and be on my own not because I'm worried I cant cope. I know I can cope on my own because I do everything anyway and have no support. But he has all his family behind him. They will fight for everything plus his aunt deals with legal things and will tell him everything to say and do. They will give the kids beautiful holidays. Beautiful presents. Amazing days out with meals at restaurants. They will have so many people who love them on my side it's just me and i cant give them anything like that. Which do you think they will prefer.
He works and can provide. Hes educated he has family. I'm a big fat nothing with nothing too.

He’s disgusting

This guy is an utter low life OP .anything would be better than this. Seriously check your options.