Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Oh OP that is so controlling and completely and totally wrong of him and the doctor (in a struck off wrong kind of way)

OP that's ok. You keep doing what you need to do, you're doing so well.

The plan over the next couple of weeks is to wait for Women's Aid to get back to you and for you to contact Gingerbread and get information and advice.

Sounds like a great plan OP and you'll be so relieved once you have some advice and support. At the moment you're in the dark but soon you'll have a good idea about where you stand and hopefully some people supporting you.

I hope you're feeling a bit better OP.

Feeling a little less panicky Thanks.

That's good to hear. Keep posting OP.

WHY DOES HE DO THAT, by Lundy Bancroft; available as a free PDF online.

PLEASE do read it.

You are not a pain at all. Take the time you need. I saw this on another thread, an erection is not a compliment.

You are not a pain at ALL. Everyone here wants to help you, we know how difficult this bit is as sadly too many of us have been in your position.

When you feel scared or unsure take a deep breath and imagine all of the Mumsnetters on this thread standing shoulder to shoulder with you willing you on.

You know now that you need to leave and your eyes are opening to how shocking some of this behaviour is. Some of it made me cry. It's huge progress for you to start seeing this behaviour for what it is - abusive, controlling and violating.

You deserve better and so do your kids.

We are all here for you

So something very small but just I'm so tired of it all.
I'm getting things ready for a party and baking a cake for someone I'm trying to consentrate as I'm not the most expert Baker. He continuously asking questions about my day and who said what. I kept asking him to give me a minute but he just cant do it.
Then as I come to the end and it's almost done he knows oll be heading upstairs so the sexual innuendos start and smacking me on the butt with things constantly. Telking me I need a good spanking.
When I finished I sat in the chair and said omg I need to sleep

He was like no you need some good loving in bed. But not by me.
I was like...what are you talking about?
He said oh not by me I'm not enough for you.
I was like why aare you saying this.
"Im not enough for you sexually obviously. Not had sex in 3 weeks."
Urg just give me a break. Just 1 day.

I had an uncle like your 'dh'. My aunt was a social worker, quite senior, didn't stop her exposing me to his pederastic behaviour. Just get out of there, ffs.

He sees you as a series of holes on legs.

That’s not ok @Chickencuddle. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s ok for you to be you. It really is. You are allowed your own thoughts and feelings. Respect how you feel, self respect is key to peace.

What did he mean by saying he's not enough for you op? Is he now trying to coerce you into sex with other men?

Gosh I'm so sorry Elizabeth thats awful. Are you away from him now?

Ally Jay I have no Idea why he was saying it i kept asking why he was saying that and he just kept repeating it. I think maybe hes insecure and thinks if I dont have sex with him hes not enough. But then i thought maybe hes hoping that's what I'll think and hoping I'll feel bad and have sex with him. It's like all he can think of is sex. Hes humpijg me all the time. Touching me all the time. I feel like hes an octopus with hands everywhere and I just want him to stop. I've tried telling him this kind of behaviour really actually has the opposite effect on me. I want sex when I feel loved and safe but hes never cuddling me lovingly it's only sexually atm. This is when normally I would give in and have sex just to stop it. Then it stops for a day or two and then starts gradually building again. I'm so so tired and I'm just so sick of it now.
He actually loves as well if I fail at anything loves it. Keeps going on about it laughing about it loving the fact I've failed but if anything is ever done well its ignored.

I am appalled by what OP has told us.

OP, hang in there. You do have options. You need to leave him. You will feel so much better if you do. He thinks he's indestructible, untouchable, the King. Time he realises what a selfish shit he really is. Find your own power, and use it. You are strong. You can do this. It doesn't matter a fig what other people think they know about him, or you. Fuck his reputation. Fuck what other people think. You have to look after you, and your kids now. You know the truth. Plan, talk to us, talk to the organisations that can help you, get away. Yes, it will be hard, and yes, he will try and use all his power to control you again, but resist. You are awesome, and you are strong.

He actually loves as well if I fail at anything loves it. Keeps going on about it laughing about it loving the fact I've failed but if anything is ever done well its ignored.

This man chose you specifically because of your vulnerability and lack of self-worth. He then groomed you to not only accept his abusive behaviour, but to think of it as normal.

You have finally woken up to the fact that you have a right to say no, that you have value - but he thinks that by ignoring your token protests and continuing what he has always done he can overwhelm you.

You have tried to explain and reason, you keep trying to evade him and fob him off - it's not working. He just ignores you. Can you be more assertive and firmly tell him "NO, STOP THIS, I DO NOT WANT THIS, STOP THIS NOW!!" Look him in the eye and walk away.

I've tried that flower. It just caused him to then turn it around and hes so hard done by and hes so upset and he dorsnt feel like I love him etc. Then i feel bad.
Also when he was forcing me to have sex those years ago o used to put both my hands down over my privates to try and stop him and I would be telling him no stop it and he would just force my hands away. And I think I put that out of my mind.
Its wierd because at the time I started realising hence talking to him telling him he could go to prison for it etc. It had been going on a long time but I realised. But then after I spoke to him and he stopped I kind of forced it down and dodnt think of it and forced myself to try and be happy with him. Even had another baby and now I'm feeling it again....what is wrong with me? And it's all coming back and I'm getting angry at what he did but it was years ago and I feel like I dont have a right to be angry about it.
I dont feel like I can have a conversation with him about all this I just want to get out and away from him now and if I'm honest hes making my skin crawl now when he tries anything on. I just dont want him near me. But I've got to keep on pretending for kids etc and its flipping hard.

These posts are heartbreaking to read. Op you keep referring to yourself as stupid, horrible, a big fat nothing. It saddens me that he has beat you down so much that you think so badly of yourself. That's on him not you. You are worthy and deserved to be loved,valued and respected. You will never get this from this man. He is emotionally and sexually abusive and will not change. He has conditioned you to believe this is normal or maybe you are overreacting ECT. You aren't!I think deep down you realise how wrong this all is and that you deserve better. Please keep talking on here and confiding in your friends although it sounds like the one did confide in isnt Alot of help. Flattered?!wtf. I know you are so worried and uncertain about what the future will hold for you and your kids if you leave but I can promise you it will be better for you and them if you do. Kids don't need flashy holidays and meals out at fancy restaurants they need unconditional love. That's you op.. what would you say to your daughter if she came to u as an adult about a relationship with a man like your husband. Cos I bet you would be telling her to run for the hills. You need to get out of this situation for all of your sakes. Make the phone call that's the first step. Xxx

I think I felt like that before him so maybe that's me. I dont want to blame him for everything but I'm definitely seeing now that he doesnt really care about my feelings his are the most important.
I feel like he did groom me thinking of how things started. But then he was only 18 so he couldn't have could he? Noone would be that clever and calculating at that age.
He kind of broke me down time and time again but then came and swooped in and picked up the pieces and I thought he was my hero.
Sometimes I think he likes me being weak he likes me being isolated. If I see my friends he gets insecure. He likes being the only one. The hero who saves me. Which I guess is nice but he doesnt like me having my own voice. I had an eating disorder once. All my friends were very concerned but he wadnt. And I was living with him and he knew I was only eating 600 calories a day and over exercising and making myself sick. He never said a word to me.
And then when I started getting better he would make comments about my weight and about not getting in Jean's etc like he preferred me with the disorder.
He still makes comments about my weight now. I would never go back to my eating disorder I never want my kids to see that so I can be strong and even if I feel fat I know I'm a healthy weight and I'm going to continue eating a proper diet. But imagine someone might go back to an eating disorder because of little jibes about weight.
Sorry in waffling

You're seeing clearer now. You're not waffling. And he certainly isn't your hero or a hero. He's selfish and abusive. I hope you get away from him.

He is a disgusting excuse of a human being!what kind of person makes comments like that to someone with an eating disorder. You hit the nail on the head op. He does want u isolated and down beaten cos that's how he maintains his control of you. That's why he belittles and insults your friends. I'm glad you are starting to see his true colours and yes u may already have had a low opinion of yourself and what love is due to your previous abuse but a good man would build u up and keep you up there not knock you down again. People absolutely can be manipulative and calculating at 18. I would hasard a guess he's always been that way and I cab assure you he won't change.x

He is a sexual bully and no wonder you keep thinking about everything he's done over the years- is behaviour is constantly reminding you.

And no, it's not flattering. xx

This has been very disturbing for me to read, OP, because, it's almost identical to the attitude my DM has had to sex all through her life, and she's now 80 so not likely to change. She used to advise my DSis and me to 'lie down and think of England' if we didn't want sex or were unable to because of it triggering memories of our childhood SA at the hands of our abusive F. That was exactly what i used to do as a child, saying to myself'This is a nightmare, I'm going to wake up soon.'

My FM blamed herself completely when we told her what had happened to us as children (our memories had been repressed for years), because she thought that she was at fault because she didn't give her husband enough sex.

I think I only really understood how abusive my F was towards my DM when I saw the reactions of my DH and DBIL to my her attitude towards men and sex; she truly believes that there is a point of no return for men, where it's too late for a woman to refuse sex. (She herself is an SA survivor, having been abused by the uncle who became her guardian after she'd been orphaned at 10.)

Please don't let your DC grow up with such a distorted view of sec and relationships. This man doesn't love you (that was the word my F used to describe how he felt about my DM and my DSis and me; he's abusing you. Divorcing him won't damage your DC, but staying in this abusive relationship will cause untold damage.

Hang on OP. Wow, you've overcome an eating disorder. That is bloody fantastic! That shows you how strong you are. You've already done this. You've stopped hurting your own body, for the sake of your children. It sounds like at the moment you love the kids more than you love yourself, and I wish you could love yourself just as much, but if the children gave you the motivation to stop hurting yourself with an eating disorder, then let's work with that.

Next step: Use that same strength to stop someone else, your 'D'H from hurting your body, mind and the children too...

"I would never go back to my eating disorder I never want my kids to see that so I can be strong and even if I feel fat I know I'm a healthy weight and I'm going to continue eating a proper diet."

-->

I would never go back to my ex husband. I never want my kids to see that, so I can be strong and even if I feel like I deserved his treatment, I know I really deserve to be treated with love and respect and I'm going to continue making sure I receive it.

That is what you are going to say in a few months time.

Thank you pollaidh that's helpful. I do feel like o had the tools to overcome the eating disorder though and now I feel like I have no tools. I just really dont know what to do for the best I think that I need to get out but then I keep having images of the childrens sad faces in a tiny flat somewhere because I cant afford anywhere nice. No garden no possessions.
I'm also imagining bringing up leaving to dh and tbh I'm petrified of that. Coward that I am.