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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like husband doesn't care

990 replies

Chickencuddle · 03/03/2020 12:22

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 23/09/2020 20:11

Well him being away for the weekend is a perfect opportunity to do some hardcore stuff in planning

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 23/09/2020 20:59

I dont know what to plan yet. I need to speak to the womens aid lady and she hasnt phoned me back yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 23/09/2020 21:00

Sorry you're probably reading this and tearing your hair out in frustration at me. Sorry I'm like this

OP posts:
HumptyD · 23/09/2020 23:55

While he’s away and you know he’s not going to burst in, can you get into the loft? Move your passports and important documents? Assuming that’s where he will keep the work documents too, so you can see what names are on it. But also these are things he will have to give you money for when you divorce him.. he can’t expect to Keep the house the money the car and the business.. and certainly no Legal team would agree to that either. So even if at first money is tight at least you know it’s coming your way. Pick your favourite photos out, passports and put them in a box and ask a friend to keep them safe xx

ReallySpicyCurry · 24/09/2020 07:19

Can you phone the main Women's Aid again and ask to speak to someone? Just in case something has changed with that particular support worker - she may be off work or something

This weekend you could try and get into the loft and get some documents, photos, sentimental things out and to a friend's house, or at least start to stash them somewhere you can access them more easily

ChippyDucks150 · 24/09/2020 07:54

You're nearly 31. If you don't leave, you could have 60 more years of this shit to endure.

Will your children still speak to you when they're grown, if you stay? Will they be so ground down by their dad's behaviour that they repeat the cycle of abuse?

Honestly, it can get worse.
Leave while you're young enough to do so.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 24/09/2020 08:59

Hi thanks for all the encouragement. I'm starting to feel a bit angry with him now. I sent recordings of conversations we had to my friend a while ago where he was promising he if he wanted sex or anything like that he would take my first answer and not keep on at me. He promised to stop shouting at the kids as much.
Last night I went to my college course it was just an induction I was gone for 3 hours total including travel I got dinner ready and got kids sorted so all he needed to do was bath them really. I got home and I got all 3 of them to sleep and as I stepped through the door he literally just walked off for me to get them all ready and to bed. When i was getting eldest 2 to sleep I asked was everything ok with daddy. My dd said he shouted alot and that she was crying for me but I was at college :( my ds didnt say anything
I know i need to leave him i am going to. I just dont know which way to go yet. Whether to find a rental place which seems very hard atm or get him out. Which would be very hard too. I'm going to phone womens aid today and try and get some help. I feel really fragile today...teary and I have a voice in my head telling me I'm going to mess it all up and theres no way I can do this and I wont be ok alone I'll fail the kids. But what I'm telling myself to put myself together. Stop feeling sorry for myself I need to be strong for the kids and do what needs to be done.
I'm pissed at him for making it this way tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 24/09/2020 09:22

Sorry meant to say he was saying on the recordings from a while ago how different he would be and hes now just the same as he was shouting at kids for nothing. Harsh punishments. Belittling and manipulative.
He is forcing me to do sexual things touching me when I sleep.
Everything is his way. And it just shows it doesnt matter how many times we discuss things and how rational and calm and nice he is at the time and for a few weeks after. He will always revert to this. So I've made my mind up with all your help and support thank you. Just need to figure out how woth hopefully help from womens aid.
Sorry if I'm repeating things just need to keep convincing myself this is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
S00LA · 24/09/2020 09:32

You are beginning to see things More clearly and recognise patterns, like him promising to change and never doing so.

Can you take photos of any papers about the business and other assets? Especially bank statements, tax returns and abbreviated accounts if he has them ? Car documents, pensions, savings. Any other assets in his name or yours.

Store them on the cloud and also send to a trusted friend. DONT store then on your phone where he can find them or destroy them.

You can do this. You just need to Get outside help , make a careful plan And stick to it if you can.

Carpathian2 · 24/09/2020 09:32

Keep going op, it's a big thing to do but you can't carry on like this. Women's aid are busy but don't let that put you off, keep trying. Or you can email them.
It's natural that you've got conflicting emotions, he scares you and you don't know how this is going to pan out but, at least from your children's sake you need to keep going. Do you have a friend or relative that can help you?

Good luck Thanks

Welshgal85 · 24/09/2020 09:52

You can do this OP, keep going. Don’t listen to that voice in your head telling you that you can’t, you can do this. And as for the kids, you will not fail them, you love and care for them and everything you are planning to do is to keep them safe and for their happiness.

I agree with what others have said, take the opportunity while he is out this weekend to get some things sorted. Look for any important documents and make some phone calls while he is gone.

GoldfishParade · 24/09/2020 10:39

You can do this. Everyone here knows you can. This weekend is the perfect time to get some shit sorted:

  1. Call womens aid. Keep calling and calling until you get some answers. Call CAB and determine what benefits you will get and how quickly. Call other womens organisations.
  2. Find his business documents and ascertain whether you are also liable for the loan.
  3. Call a friend over and get them to pack up some stuff and keep it at theirs.

I cant remember if you've said this or not but: do you have your own bank account?

dublingirl66 · 24/09/2020 10:42

This is awful

If you can't find somewhere to go
Get him out

Go to police and tell them and they will remove this creep

Your poor poor kids

Heartbreaking to read this

Justtryingtobehelpful · 24/09/2020 11:40

Download an app like camscanner. It'll snap everything like a photo then convert it into a PDF. You can group images into different folders. You can go back and add more to certain sections.
This should make it easier for when you get a lawyer. You can forward the PDFs so they have the information in a usable format.
It's super simple and, as far as I remember, doesn't save the photos on to your camera. Instead, they are saved to the cloud. Probably best to set up a new email account or use the new one you created for your WA correspondence.

HumptyD · 25/09/2020 00:13

You can do it! It’s nice to hear the anger is kicking in, this is when you will really spring into action! You shouldn’t be going to college worrying about your kids, they are with their DAD that is insane, but that’s how he has made it for you all! Vile man! Does he just think he can go through life being horrible to the four of you,
Who the f* does he think he is! Seriously! Hold on to the anger it will push you forward,
Keep going! Xxx

Cantreasonwithunreasonable · 25/09/2020 07:41

Keep going. You're very brave and an ace mum.

goldrabbit22 · 25/09/2020 08:04

Hi OP I just read your whole thread. I am so very sorry you are going through all of this! You are definitely on your way to breaking free even though it's a massive struggle. Everything you feel, your changes of mind and heart and confusion is all a normal part of the process.

It doesn't matter what other people say, you have to reach THAT point yourself, and you are on the way.

I know you keep being swayed when he goes through a 'nice' stage and, again this is normal.

Hopefully, coming back on here and reading the comments help you to see things more in perspective.

Keep going!! xxx

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 25/09/2020 13:45

Thank you everyone for spurring me on. You're all so kind. I phoned womens aid a while ago just waiting for a call back. I already photographed passports and send to a friend and will do the rest when I can access them.
Thank you again. I would still have no clue if it wasnt for this thread.

OP posts:
dublingirl66 · 25/09/2020 13:56

Can you get to a hotel cheap air b band b and then call them back

They can take a while

Don't wait round for them

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 25/09/2020 18:14

I'd like to talk to them first and discuss things. I spoke to a lady today and said "I think I need to leave but it's hard and I'm not sure how" she said 'womens aid are not here to break up marriages we are here to help and support and you take things at your own pace.'
She said the support worker I had before is off sick. So she has given me another one and she will phone Monday and look to meet up next week. I can discuss things then with her.

OP posts:
dublingirl66 · 25/09/2020 18:30

Ok

It is very easy for me to make suggestions from afar

Def get help though

Love to you and your children

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 25/09/2020 20:24

Thank you. I will get help and WA lady was lovely and reassuring and promised I would get seen quickly.

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 25/09/2020 20:26

This is great news!

S00LA · 25/09/2020 20:50

That’s good you have a new support worker. Step by step, you can do it.

Remember to photograph lots more documents, especially all the financial papers.
Car and van ownership, insurance , savings, pay slips, tax returns ( VERY IMPORTANT) , pensions, bank accounts. Just copy everything.

goldrabbit22 · 26/09/2020 09:09

WA woman sounds perfect for you.

You are definitely strong enough to do this! You really MUST be very, very strong to have put up with so much over all these years. That same strength you've been using to stick it out is being re chanelled now into into your own escape and survival. The odds in your favour are becoming greater and greater with each step you take. Star