Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

People would believe you. We all believe you.

If you're not going to leave him he needs to change. You said he stopped when you told him it was rape before. You need to have another frank conversation like that.
He needs to understand what he's doing isn't normal. He needs to understand how you feel.
Don't try and carry on having normal conversations while he's doing it. Tell him that he's sexually assaulting you and that it needs to stop or you will report him and leave.

You wouldn't be the one ruining his life. He would.

Your update has made me feel sick to my stomach... I assume he is aware of the abuse you suffered previously?

If so he is no better and more fucking cruel because he has dehumanised you and sees you as nothing more than an object for his sexual gratification.

You are currently too deep in this to see how fucking disturbing this is. I just hope that someone on here can snap you out of this - YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS BY ANYONE!!

If you are not willing to report him at least get away from him. Your kids will pick up on more than you realise.

He is predatory and acting like a fucking animal

I am so sorry OP please take your time though to make the decisions. Each step in recognising this is a step away.

having being groomed I think from such an early age and no concept of a normal relationship it makes you feel like this is normal it isnt

But I think the first thing is realising that actually your children are growing up in an environment where there father is seen as being the one whose needs are met at the expense of everything else.

And there is no grey area with the sexual abuse this is one of the worst I have read

I'm so sorry op. I'm Sorry that you are being so horrifically emotionally and sexually abused.

I know you don't think that he is abusing the dc but he is. I know. Your 5/6 year old could have woken in that car and have been forced to close her eyes and pretend to keep sleeping. Your children know when he is "grumpy" even if they don't know his nasty behaviour is a punishment for lack of sex- they know it's there. You openly state that he prioritises football, sex and himself over them- they WILL notice that. They love and adore him because as children all abused children want their abuser, their parent to love them, and they fall over themselves for the crumbs of love that are scattered by the abuser. I know this because I have been that child .

I hope you find the strength to leave.

As to money- there are refuges that would happily take you, you would then eventually be housed and get benefits - housing benefit, uc, cb etc- as the primary carer of three children. He would have to pay maintenance. Your children will thank you for it in the long term. And, if you don't, they will blame you for the childhood you gave them.

But wont I get in trouble for taking the children away?
I dont feel like its serious enough for a refuge.
We have a lovely house toys belongings garden they would lose it all and no doubt the refuge would be miles away so what about school friends they lose everything.
Even the thought of all of this is tearing me apart I'm sat in my car feeding my baby now crying. I feel like the kids will hate me and I've wrecked their lives.
I just dont know what to do. I'm sorry I know I'm repeating myself my head is a mess

Oh OP it is serious enough for a refuge just me it is

What if I'm wasting their time? Will they get angry if it's not abuse and I'm holding up the phone for someone in danger. I'm not in danger.

My dear @Chickencuddle!! Time and again people here have told you that you have been and continue to be horribly abused, and still you cannot believe it - because this has become so normalised for you. You think you are not in danger because he isn't hitting you, but what he is doing is actually worse, because his actions and his callous disregard of you as a person, as an autonumous being with rights and value and feelings, are actually worse. Physical wounds can heal, but the damage he is doing to you - and your children!! - is actually worse.

Please believe us, we are not making this up: yours is one of the most horrible stories that has been posted on Mumsnet. Not just because of the horrible abuse, but because you have been brainwashed to such a degree that you cannot even see how bad this is. And all the while your children are observing this, taking it in, learning that this is normal.

I'm shocked when people react to things like this. Also he may think I dont mind because I'm not really reacting much just laying there.

Years of abuse, dating back to your childhood, have conditioned you to accept this as your lot, to not rock the boat, to not believe that you have value. You think you are protecting your children by accepting this abuse, whereas in fact you will end up harming them and setting them up for a life similar to your own.

When I was younger and abused it went to court and there wasnt enough evidence it was a horrible time I felt like people didnt believe me and I'm not going through that again.

I can understand this fear, but this was then and this is now. Today there is infinitely greater awareness of abuse, the different forms that abuse can take, the fact that victims are often coerced to accept abuse. Even if any report you end up making does not go to court, the agencies that can help you would be alerted.

But I understand that you are not yet ready to report your abuser, and perhaps you never will be. But can please seek help and start to help yourself, instead of continuing to tell yourself it's not as bad as it is. Stop being passive and stand up for yourself when he makes these horrible sexually coercive approaches. Tell him firmly stop!! I do not want this instead of being evasive or, worse, just laying there and accepting his abuse.

Please can you start by doing three things:

1. Read WHY DOES HE DO THAT, by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online; I think someone has already posted a link, but it's easy to find. Don't be put off by the initial focus on physical abuse - this book will open your eyes in ways we cannot.

1. Call Women's Aid, or the Rape Crisis Centre, or the agency that another poster mentioned, or even just the Samaritans. Just talking about what has happened to you will help you.

1. Do the Freedom Programme. You can do this online. This will give you valuable practical tools to turn your life around and become the strong woman you deserve to be.

Sorry this is so long, and I know it is a bit overwhelming right now. But please make a start and, above all, start believing that you deserve an infinitely better life.

But wont I get in trouble for taking the children away?

Sweetheart he tried to coerce you into performing a sex act on him while the children were less that 2 feet away from you.

Please know that you'd be protecting them.

OP I'm sorry to hear that there are no organisations near you. Let's take this one step at a time and not think about taking away children.

I have the Women's Aid email address, so let's compose an email because you don't feel you can talk about what's going on right now. Here's the email address: [email protected]

I'll start off by writing something and you edit it and add to it, then once you're happy, send it and someone should get back to you in five working days. If that sounds good OP, then we'll go ahead.

I've started an email for you OP. You can change any part you want and add to it:

Letter to Women's Aid.

I have been married for (amount of years) and have (amount) of children, aged (children's ages).

My address is:

My phone number is:

I am available to talk on (put those two hours when you're free to talk)

I'm very concerned about the way my husband treats me as it's always very sexual. He is always groping me, making sexual comments and innuendos and dry humping me. There was a time (say when it started and finished) that he would not take no for an answer when he wanted to have sex with me. Although this hasn't happened for a while.

He collected me from hospital and asked me to masturbate him while we were driving home and our children were asleep in the car.

He recently hit me in the face with his penis as he wanted to have sex with me and I didn't want to.

I'm worried as I don't work and we have a nice home. I don't have anything and am very concerned about leaving him or him and his family getting custody of our children.

I would appreciate someone contacting me to give me some advice on what I should do. I live in a rural area and there don't seem to be any domestic abuse organisations near me.

Yours faithfully,

Name

OP, this is just to start you off and give you an idea of what to write.

Ok thank you I'll do the email now but I dont want to give my address. Thank you very much for doing this for me. So kind. I'll copy and paste and edit now.

OP, they won't come to your home but your address or area will be needed so they can tell you what is available to you locally. At least put in your post code or area. For example, I live in Brighton. I live in N11.

They can do a search and give you some useful phone numbers or organisations.

Oh sorry I sent the message just now. I also said I dont know when is safe to call at. As his family are with us next week and I may have someone with me for the 2 hours I'm usually free. Hopefully they can email and I can give them a date and time as soon as I know. And ilk let them know area.

I actually confided in a friend before she asked if I was ok as I seemed down and I just started crying. She said shes not happy with the way DH treats me atm and thinks hes controlling. I told her about this stuff and said sorry it's so embarrassing and she said its flattering but not appropriate and I need to tell him. I told her I have so many times and she said I need to grow some balls and be firmer. She is a good friend. I dont know what to think

Its flattering? Do you feel flattered when he grabs your head and shoves it under the covers towards his dick?

This is not normal behaviour, most women would not be fine with it and your friend is minimising it. Hes been doing so long it's not as easy as just "growing some balls". If it was there wouldnt be any abusive relationships!

No worries OP. All this can be sorted out when they contact you. Well done for taking that step, I know how hard this is for you.

Do you want to make an appointment with your local CABx? You can say you have a Drs appointment and your relatives can look after the children when you go.

You can find your local CABx here. It's for England but you can put in Wales/NI or Scotland in the top let under 'Benefits' and search for your local office.

They can help you with other issues while you wait to hear from Women's Aid such as benefits, child maintenance, your home etc Lots of CABx have free legal advice from solicitors.

It will bring you peace of mind, even if you decide to stay, to know what your options are. Let me know if there's no CABx near you or if the waiting time for an appointment is too long and I'll see what else is available.

Your friend is wrong OP. What your husband is doing is not flattering at all, it's abusive. I know that's hard to hear but, well done for confiding in her. I know how hard it is to tell people what's going on. You're being so brave.

Again, well done for sending the email.

I feel physically sick reading this op. You have to leave him. He is vile.

And no he couldn't care less.

You're amazing @12345kbm - MN is a wonderful place sometimes

I'm so sorry, OP. He is disgusting. Like PPs reading this is making my stomach turn. Please seek help. Well done for sending the email.

I don't have any useful advice I'm afraid (luckily you've been given loads already) but wanted to give you an in-mumsnetty hug.

It's so sad that you think you don't deserve better because you do, no one deserves to be treated this way

Unfortunately cant lie about doctors my husband is friends with my doctor and they always discuss things and he may ask or say I believe my wife was in today. I have no relatives. They are husbands there would be so many questions probably offer to come with me. Also they never take the kids. My eldest is 7 they have taken her twice for me.
They see the kids often but its always all of us together.
My friend spoke to me since and said if it was here she would have been out if the door. I think because she knows I can be timid or not timid but I dont really stick up for myself she thought I needed to do that but spoke properly before she said it's not right and she would have left but I have no support and its up to me. She said I could also salvage the relationship too maybe.

Your doctor would tell your husband you were in. No that is terribly unprofessional and if he does I think it goes to see how much under his control you re

Only if it came up in conversation like my husband might say oh did you see my wife today she said she was going to the doctors. In that kind of way.

The other alternative is calling Gingerbread: 0808 802 0925 Gingerbread can answer any questions you have regarding child maintenance, benefits etc

Give them a call next OP.

Thanks so much kbm I'll call. If I dont get a chance tomorrow it will have to wait a week as people visiting us until Thursday next week. May get the 2 hours but not sure will have to wait and see.
Honestly you are so kind to keep commenting thank you everyone and sorry for being such a pain.