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Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

(888 Posts)
bangheadhere40 Tue 11-Feb-20 18:52:31

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

CognitiveDissonance Tue 11-Feb-20 18:59:22

Place marking, again sad

bangheadhere40 Tue 11-Feb-20 19:03:34

Also not sure if others have read here yet, but @shit I think your advice has always helped me and been very supportive, so thank you.

dancemom Tue 11-Feb-20 19:06:11

Still here, dating and occasionally glancing at the smitten bench ...

Jane1978xx Tue 11-Feb-20 19:09:30

I think we’ve got 2 184 threads

bangheadhere40 Tue 11-Feb-20 19:11:09

Can't see another Jane so not sure! 😁

Peanutbuttermouth Tue 11-Feb-20 19:11:37

Some very wise words on end of last thread! I also sometimes read open mouthed in horror shock at the choices other posters make (mainly around kids tbh) but I also know we're all in such different situations and our kids all have different characters and we are best placed to decide what's best.

Also on the subject of pace.....I am one who thrives on momentum. If I don't see someone more than once a week I get bored and my eye starts wandering blush I'm currently seeing Mr C almost every day and I stopped and thought seriously about what I'm pushing out to accommodate that (as notcoolmum said so wisely!) but it's only really lunch breaks and evenings after kids are asleep - these are the times I used to spend alone scrolling through MN! I've given up nothing else and neither has he, as far as I know. But it was a useful exercise to think that through.

Notcoolmum Tue 11-Feb-20 19:32:32

Found you!!

Aw thank you @clovertoast I felt a bit like the thread had gone so far that way I think we did risk the danger of readers feeling that was standard for dating. And to me at least it has felt extreme.

Wow. Good luck on having sex with your new man. After my marriage I had sex with the 3rd man ever and was nervous but it was all good!!!! I've clocked up a few more notches now!!

Jane1978xx Tue 11-Feb-20 19:33:38

I see mr g a Wednesday and every other Friday when dd is at her dads. The wed I’d be watching tv 😂 and the Friday I’d be watching tv with wine 🤷🏼‍♀️

bangheadhere40 Tue 11-Feb-20 19:38:58

Don't know about anyone else but when I get carried away I'm always very grateful for being brought down to earth, @notcool really appreciate your input too!

Notcoolmum Tue 11-Feb-20 19:42:25

I wasn't implying we shouldn't see our irons more than once a week ever! That would be very hypocritical of me as I see Mr B about 3x a week. I've just been surprised when very new relationships are starting with seeing each other that amount of time from day 1. I think once a week and daily texting is a good way to get to know each other slowly in the beginning.

I have my kids, hobbies, friends, mumsnet and Netflix to fit in!!

Notcoolmum Tue 11-Feb-20 19:44:55

Thanks @bangheadhere40 I don't mean to come across as the voice of doom on the thread. And heaven knows I haven't got it right. Or I wouldn't be here. I've been single for a long time but I do feel I've learnt from being on the thread and other blogs and from reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and I feel stronger as a result.

bangheadhere40 Tue 11-Feb-20 19:49:44

You don't at all @notcool, in all honesty it's refreshing and good advice to hear, and sensible. I have always jumped into things too quickly but I'm not doing that any more and really appreciate the advice.

Notcoolmum Tue 11-Feb-20 19:52:15

Thanks bang that means a lot to me. When I comment it's usually out of genuine concern. Or because I've been in a similar situation.

Peanutbuttermouth Tue 11-Feb-20 19:53:04

I did the freedom programme and I think that has been my biggest source of learning and progress since becoming single. I would recommend it to EVERYONE!

Stuckinarut79 Tue 11-Feb-20 19:53:53

@cat looking forward to a loo update, I hope the chemistry is there in person!

As always helpful timely discussion here, I’ve asked mr scenery if he’d like to meet up over the weekend as I’ve a rare child free weekend, I’ve moved other things around so wednesday night is date night but it would be nice to see him for more than a few hours once a week, but that’s probably as I don’t feel I’m getting to know him any better via text, that’s just how’s your day? What are you watching on tv? But also I was thinking that he’d not be happy with once a week as he doesn’t have kids but a timely reminder he has other commitments/interests, I’ll try not to be too disappointed if he wants to stick to once a week!

Notcoolmum Tue 11-Feb-20 20:05:13

I'm sure he'd love to see you at the weekend @Stuckinarut79

Eesha Tue 11-Feb-20 20:22:34


flamingnoravera Tue 11-Feb-20 20:27:25

Now I understand why my message wouldn't post! A new sparkly thread. And here I am to sully it!
tigerdater* yes it was a fab night. I've just read the old thread since my update and realised that I think other posters are referring to you and me perhaps (far fetched moving too soon etc).

All I can say is that if I told you all what we actually got up to it would reinforce the views about far fetched but it would actually be true- I just live a life where I know what I like and want, I have no kids at home to worry about introducing and I have no hang ups about sex on a first date if I want to. The sex and everything else was mind blowing, for both of us and we've both come off tinder since he departed on Sunday.

We've spent the last two evenings planning our next meet up, and yes we've planned the sex, and all the things we like that go with it. I cannot wait.

We've also planned to go to the theatre and a museum in the near future so there's more to it than just the sex, but sometimes sparks fly and they flew on Saturday and continue to fly in anticipation of the weekend.

unambiguousbeard Tue 11-Feb-20 20:59:57

I don't think @TigerDater is moving too soon... 😁

Notcoolmum Tue 11-Feb-20 21:02:25

Haha me neither @unambiguousbeard 🤣

unambiguousbeard Tue 11-Feb-20 21:08:35

Ah we're all different. We all have different speeds and different things which are important to us. I'm envious @flamingnoravera it sounds lovely. Couldn't ever happen to me even if I let it because my kids are too young/I'm too busy/too uptight/too bloody unavailable. Enjoy it, and @Menora too. As long as we all only do what we can cope with if it goes tits up. And also keep our kids away from any emotional upheaval. Where possible.

I'm doing the daft thing in that Mr U is coming over on Valentines evening for spaghetti and sex. I'm unbelievably excited. I have no idea if it's a one off, if it's a disaster, if we will carry on being together under another name or if it will being closure. But I do know I bloody need some physical affection. And I also know that I have several things going on that are way more important and fundamental than what happens with him so it sort of puts it into proportion. And it makes me happy to know that he still has strong feelings for me.

UtterSocks Tue 11-Feb-20 21:09:55

Ah, just placemarking, although I am beginning to think I have no place here. Well, I am on the No Cock Cocktails bench, but I think I will be on there long after you have all left! Today is Ignore Socks day, I currently have around 5 irons, 3 of them who are off the apps and on WhatsApp, one of whom (Mr Media) I have had 2 fun dates with, and all are ignoring me this evening.

I know I have a tendency to be avoidant, I will back off if someone is over-attentive in the early messages, and it does take some effort to free up an evening, but I do try for ones I think have potential and actually I think I am going to die alone! I have no idea how the rest of you meet someone online, get a date sorted, feel a spark and move on to a relationship. I have had lots of app irons, a few sex pests, numerous creeps, 3 or 4 avoidant WhatsApp penpals who wouldn't meet and 8 actual dates in around 5 months. Of the dates, there was only 1 I could have seen myself having a relationship with and he had a lot going on in his life and got cold feet. I work in an industry where I am paid for basically getting on well with people from all walks of life, I know my communication skills are good (though I'm not a frequent messenger as am so busy with work and kids). But ... everything just tails off! Or doesn't start in the first place.

Mr Media is great but we friendzoned each other and just lately he has been messaging me a lot less which makes me think he has found someone who is more than a friend. Which is fine, but he could say 'bye' we have exchanged thousands of messages (as friends, mostly, but he is funny and I liked his chat. He messaged me all Christmas Day FFS). Mr Science and I spoke for over an hour on Sunday and arranged to see each other ... in a month! (he has a very long holiday coming up next week) He is not much of a messenger and I know he is very busy (I actually know this, I know who he is from RL though he turned up on an app), plus I really do fancy him, but it just seems so much hassle. And Mr Rugby and I have a date on Sunday but he is younger than me and even he has gone quiet today. I just give up. HOW do you all do it? All my friends say I am attractive, funny and likeable, I have a home and career, interests, I am fit, I live in the bloody gym. It's being a woman with teenagers over 50 isn't it? I just wonder if I am wasting my time, and here are all you lovely people, totally loved up - or if not loved up, even if a bit heartbroken, getting back out there and having tons more dates (well done @thecatwiththehat by the way!), and I think well there you are then, the abusive ex was right, nobody will ever want me. (even HE has a live-in girlfriend now and believe me, NOBODY would describe him as a catch) I have not had sex in years and I am apparently not going to unless I go on Fabswingers. Which I peered in at but was too scared to continue with, and anyway, I don't think it is me. I was someone who is a friend as well, but clearly I am un-datable!

Sorry this is so long and a rant. I just feel like crying tonight. I'm having a lonely moment...

unambiguousbeard Tue 11-Feb-20 21:22:10

@UtterSocks your rant could be mine! Apart from I'm in my 50s and my kids are primary aged... I was thinking today that I'll die alone. I cannot imagine liking anyone enough to meet up or go into a relationship. I don't understand how so many on here go from one to the other in days... how can that be a thing? I dated for over a year and met one person I wanted a relationship with and he was totally unsuitable. I can't face all the messaging and filtering and interviewing.

I'm scared I'll get ill then who will look after me? Or want me? I'm starting to forget how awful things were with exH because if this is it from now on then what a life. Childcare/study/hobby/sleep. That's it. No affection, no social life, no joy! And I'm so miserable and dull I have nothing to offer anyone and nothing left over from my life shit.

Notcoolmum Tue 11-Feb-20 21:22:30

Aw sorry you feel like that @UtterSocks is there a sporting event tonight? I find the chat dries up when their team is playing!!
It sounds like you are a fabulous person with a fulfilled life and you won't settle for anything less than you deserve. You aren't doing anything wrong.

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