Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I don't think anyone is trolling I don't believe anyone's dating stories aren't true I think it's just about being at different life stages. My first time around as a single mum in my early thirties I was doing old, going on lots of dates, sleeping with them within a couple of dates, having lots of short term relationships lasting a couple of weeks or months then fizzling out. This time around I'm looking for someone I can see being my life partner potentially so of course I'm going on fewer dates and things are moving a lot more slowly. @Stuckinarut79 it's interesting what you said about your ex husband did he expect you to initiate everything? This is what I'm experiencing with Mr pep who has Asperger's and I'm finding it hard. This is why we still haven't been on a date. Talking of dates I bottled out of meeting Mr theatre last night but we've rearranged for next week. He's still sending me lots of lovely messages and being very complimentary. hopefully he's not love bombing me

Cheers Cat she's told me to stop worrying, just wants me to take the time and space to be sure I've made the right decision. Don't think she wanted us to spend time together this week, do something nice for Valentines, basically get everything back on track only to be let down again. I get it, I really do, just need to be patient and keep reassuring.

Glad your date went well and 2nd date arranged 👍

@Sunshineandflipflops no neither of us have, I cant really speak for her obviously, but I thought I was fine on the relationship front until last week 🙄
It's something I had been considering so I could talk to somebody about my mum who died just over 2 years ago. Not sure how to explain why I need to talk about it, but I still really struggle to talk about my mum without welling up so thought it might be a good idea. Seems like I might have more to talk about than I thought, so will look into it when i get back from holiday.
I know you're in my neck of the woods so if you know anybody you'd recommend then please pm me, thanks.

@Ant330 I think it would be a good idea. Even if it doesn't help with this relationship, it might help you going forward. Miss H might even feel she would benefit and follow your lead.

I had 6 sessions through work and I also self referred via the NHS IAPT:

www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Psychological%20therapies%20(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008

Just so happens they both came through at the same time so I had a sessions a week for 6 weeks (they are usually fortnightly).

Oops - *I had 1 session per week for 6 weeks

Thanks sunshine much appreciated.

He's messaged to say he's been really sick, came home from work yesterday with a bug and is really ill. Asked how I was and sorry to change plans but could we do the weekend instead.

It's good to hear he's still keen and I've got no reason to doubt him, everything he said up until yesterday morning was good. I think it's more my insecurities playing me up. Instantly thinking he'd had a better offer and had ghosted. I need to work on that. Any suggestions? I feel like I'm in a good place day to day and am talking to other irons but maybe not as strong getting back into this as I thought...

Ant I'm fairly new here just lurked on the last thread really so hope you don't mind me commenting but I think it sounds really sensible for you to both take some time and reflect. Like pp said you did come to the decision to end it after quite a lot of thought and the panic of then being on your own seemed to set in really quickly. If you both still feel the same after a bit of time apart then brilliant.

You don't have to explain why losing your mum is still hard. My stbxh lost his Mum nearly 3 years ago and I think he's only really starting to process it now, it deeply affected him understandably and our relationship. Talking to someone is a really positive thing.

Hey guys. Just checking in. Nothing much to report. No one can accuse me or rushing into things I am in the slowest moving relationship ever.

@pomegranatefizz good news. I would take it as genuine if there's not her flakey behaviour.

@thecatwiththehat can I ask how old you are? It's just that for some of us it may take more than a week off the apps and a cookery course to sort stuff out.

Wow, so Mr Science who told me he unmatched me on Bumble now we're on WhatsApp as he is going to delete the apps, has just appeared on Tinder with a fake name and fake home town. And a photo that I know is at least a few years old. He looks so fucking hot though compared to everyone else on there. And I really liked him and stupidly thought he was going to be straightforward and OK because of our real-life connection... I am such a stupid fucker. Weird thing is, I did the 1 mile trick on Tinder, so if he showed up on my stack does that mean he has liked me again since our conversation? And if so is he stupid, despite the PhD? Or does he swipe on so many that he thought I was a different blonde lady (despite him 'remembering fancying me' 3 years ago)? Do I mention it? God, I just feel worse and worse. All other matches are, as @TigerDater said, men who never intend to leave their mums' basements. Nor should they, by the look of them. I am SO fed up of this.

@pomegranatefizz no not at all, comment away
I dont think (cant be 100% sure) it was panic of being on my own because that doesn't bother me. I'm pretty independent, like to live a busy life both work, sports and socially so not too fussed about that. Think I suddenly realised I was giving up something good for fear of it going down the same road as my marriage. The reasons for ending it suddenly seemed far less important, and all the good things in the relationship far outweighed those.
But, you're all right I think some time and space apart will help me to be absolutely sure of that. It's taken a few hours to get used to the idea, but I'm coming around.
I'll stop clogging up the thread now 😂

uttersocks he really does sound like a dick, what an idiot. Bleughhh. You’re not a stupid fucker, you’re honest and straightforward and OLD is a murky world. If you’re feeling worse and worse though, perhaps take a break for a couple of weeks or so?

Oh christ and now I sound like I am 12. Shoot me now

Sorry to leapfrog you @shitwithsugaron! Please don't leave, you are lovely. And I know nobody is accusing me of going too fast. Defying physics and going backwards, yes... Thinking I might just delete Mr Science on WhatsApp rather than go through a slow fading away and more disappointment. I know he hasn't really done anything wrong. I was just being stupid.

@shitwithsugaron I disagree, you dont need to defend yourself 😉
You've been a very supportive and insightful poster on this thread for the whole time I've been here.

I really don’t see how you were being stupid uttersocks. How is someone else being dishonest your fault?

@UtterSocks you haven't been stupid and yes he has done something wrong, he told you he was deleting the apps and hasn't.
Although is it possible he still has a Tinder account but has deleted apps from his phone. I did that until it was pointed out that I was still on there.

@unambiguousbeard I'm mid-40's, and also by no means sorted out unfortunately, although I do believe the new things I've been trying have helped.

I'm still very much struggling to deal with Miss Confusing - I think her about her a lot, and feel sad a lot of the time, although am definitely in a better place than a week ago.

I'm going to counselling once a week at the moment which is helping, and also writing a diary about my feelings which helps me process my thoughts from the day, and also look back and see how I'm progressing.

Maybe my posts come across as though I'm happy now and fixed, but that's because I'm just trying to be positive about my life and look forward rather than back. I do have a tendency to throw myself into things, and I'm certainly doing that with trying to fix myself as well. But I also have down moments most days, and also down days.

@shitwithsugaron

I am not saying anyone should leave but I am happy to leave if I am making anyone feel uncomfortable in any way

I came back to the thread and there were many comments on the last one that were clearly aimed at certain people, and yeah trolling was mentioned and I just think it is better and healthier to just @ people ask questions or discuss or raise concerns maybe - it’s only a suggestion and an opinion like anyone else’s

I take some posts with a pinch of salt as they sound fantastical. This has happened before and just seems like people trolling for attention.

I am sorry if people feel that way and I think it’s good to raise it - I for one am not naive enough to think this never happens and I’ve been a victim of it myself before online. So everyone should be aware/wary but my situation specially was mentioned (re meeting parents) and if you have an issue with it or are concerned just talk to me. Not about me. That is all

@TheCatWithTheHat - I understand that, I am also 'trying' to go with the positive outlook, although hard sometimes, and trying to chill out. Managed to get referred for CBT but a 3 month wait, thinking about paying for counselling in the interim.

Regarding the other debate..I don't mind anyone giving me 'advice' it's all welcome and is quite refreshing to hear what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear. I have learnt a lot, and would rather have the guidance. It's a hard trek trying to get through OLD! I have never found anyone to be mean or judgmental about anything on here, only giving me the kick up the arse I need which is good!

I think I started this hornets nest so I feel I should defend myself too!! Also that's not my quote. I haven't accused anyone of trolling. And I like to think I have addressed my worries with individuals. @menora I said to you I was concerned you tended to move at the bloke's pace (after watching you with Mr Moving) and whether you were comfortable with the pace Mr Muddle was moving at as you went from wanting to end things to meeting the parents and seeing him nearly every day and it happened in a blink of an eye. And whilst your kids are older he has a new born baby, is very recently split and I would have thought quite emotionally vulnerable as a result.

I have also said to @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking that she had been through an awful lot and had gone from not wanting a relationship to mentioning love in days.

I have also expressed my concern to other posters in the past. And likewise I have listened to and considered advice given to me here on the thread. I haven't always taken it. We can only give our opinions and advice on here.

Any opinion or advice I have given is from a genuine place and I would like to think it's received as such. And if I had all the answers I would never have joined this thread!!

But I'm happy to leave if my input isn't welcome. I don't mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable here.

Mr unavailable and the fallback girl was a revelation to me. Firstly seeing the men described. But then, more potently seeing me described. Why was I taking crap. Choosing these men etc. Eye opening.

@Menora i said that statement and was not purposefully directed at you. However generally i do take stuff with a pinch of salt as seems so ridiculous in a "what on earth was that person thinking" kind of way and does seem a bit like that or trolling at times.