Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I don't think anyone is a troll, I just worry sometimes when posters who are obviously emotionally fragile seem to be going at things at 200mph and then ending up back where they started and wondering why.

No one is a n expert on here. If we were, we wouldn't be on here!

@pomegranatefizz he could have left his phone at work or something I’d hold tight for now he may contact soon let us know

Aw thanks for all your lovely words and advice people. I was actually in tears last night and don’t know why. I do have a fine life in a lot of ways, lots of good friends, love my kids, one of whom is still at home (though that creates problems of its own as she would not like me dating - not that I am right now), Lots of interests, can afford holidays and I have a decent career (though it is horribly busy and stressful and I would like someone to lean on sometimes instead of doing everything myself).

I didn’t think I had poor self esteem until this but OLD is bringing me to my knees slowly. The ex always told me I was shit, but everyone else seemed to think it was definitely his problem - I used to fantasise about getting out of the marriage and meeting someone who actually liked me. It seemed possible, but for 2 years I’ve been on my own. A lot of the time it is me that doesn’t want to follow up due to distance or just incompatibility/lack of attraction, but it’s the ones that you like, that get your hopes up and then disappear, when you weren’t expecting it - it’s worse as they are quite rare. And I’ve had 3 do it simultaneously, am wondering if they are in cahoots.

I will reply individually tonight after the gym, have crazy work deadlines today, but thank you for all being here.

I’m honestly not cross or taking any umbridge if people are concerned then it’s great because you care, and that’s a good thing

Probably is better to address it directly I came home this morning (crack of dawn literally) to the other thread full up but no names named just hints as to who it could be about and it looked like it was about me as well 😂- this isn’t going to help anyone who is fragile - I don’t think I am very fragile but if you are directly concerned about anything then I am more than happy for anyone to bring it up with me directly

Mr Muddle is the one who is likely more fragile than me and we’ve discussed it as he needs to be putting himself and his DC first not me. I wouldn’t ever want him to put me first in any way!

We met in Jan after I got rid of Mr Moving
We went out for a lunch date on a Sunday a few weeks ago for a few hours

Then we had another day time date when I was working from home and he was on annual leave (as moving house etc)

Then he went away for the weekend and called me a lot and I was a bit about him

Then he came to me on the Sunday night and we went for dinner for a few hours and I really felt like I should give him a chance

Then I think I went to his house on the Tuesday when he had moved and we had a lot of sex and I came home at 7am
Then he came to mine for an evening we played games all night
Then we saw each other Sunday
Then we went to a spa yesterday which his parents got him for his birthday like a groupon. I took the day off work so did he and then we went home early evening watched IT crowd ate chicken nuggets had sex and went to sleep and then I came home this morning
Friday we are going out for dinner
Then we have no other things planned

I think yesterday's 'debate' at the end of the last thread just hit a bit of a raw nerve with me. Because as much as I would like to think I've got my head screwed on about stuff I also feel concerned that I am making some iffy decisions about OLD at times. And I know that's happening for a mixture of reasons. Long term issues with self esteem and maybe mistaking men's attention /wanting sex with boosting my self image. I am looking for a forum in which I can share my feelings and receive advice if I ask for it. The anonymity of this thread is probably what draws some of us to it. A sounding board. There has been tons of fantastic advice and support offered on here.

Think my initial enthusiasm may have been premature
My actions last week are clearly playing on her mind, can't blame her obviously. She says she's ok with it but that the time I'm away next week will be good to have some space while she deals with the shock of what has happened.
May be reading too much into it, but I read that as her not being able to get over how I've treated her.
I've just said take as much time as you need, sorry I've hurt you and put us in this position.
But my confidence that we'd be ok has completely evaporated. Miserable but mainly really angry with myself.

Yes here's hoping he's just left his phone or something but it's a bit odd. Going to keep myself busy and try not to think about how much I was looking forward to it!

I think rules 2, 3, 4, 6 & 7 need to be drummed into me today!

@unambiguousbeard i guess the worry is you have so much on then having Mr U over for no strings sex might make you feel more depressed. I probably would do the same but make sure you are also taking care of your mental health. Is Mr U supportive of all that?

@Ant330 it sounds like there are big feelings involved so yes she must have been hurt a lot. That said it's not like you two have been back and forth numerous times. I think you just need to work on getting her faith and trust in you back. It will happen I'm sure.

@pomegranatefizz was it a short message, if I see a message on my lock or can see the whole message that’s only a few words I don’t always click into it, so the other person won’t get the two blue ticks until I go to message, if he’s blocked it’s a one tick. Hopefully it’s just he knows what the plans are for today and he’s got nothing new to say!

Out of interest I dug out my old book - mr unavailable and the fallback girl last night and started reading it! OMG - when I was reading it I thought it had been actually based on Mr Not Straight and the author must know him personally. If anyone hasn't read it it's basically they like to keep you at about a 5 out of 10 interest ( just enough to keep you there, but not enough to show you any real interest). Blowing hot and cold just enough, and also giving the huge sob stories, so there is always a reason for us to 'process their 'shitty' behaviour'. I found it interesting anyway, and would recommend.

Keep us updated @pomegranatefizz - hope it happens for you!

@Ant330 - it will take time, but I think all you can do is reassure her.

@Eesha yeah I think she's worried that I might do it again and that I changed my mind so fast how can I be sure it's the right choice. All perfectly fair questions, I'm just frustrated (mainly at myself) because I know the answers.
Need to rebuild her trust, hope she gives me the chance.
Doubt we'll see each other b4 I go away so we'll have had 2 weeks apart by time I get back. Might drop some flowers and a card on her doorstep on Fri, cant do any harm.

menora please don't feel you have to justify/explain yourself. We're all different and have different things going on. It sounds like you are having fun but you are well aware that Mr Muddle's situation is very recent and raw and will likely play out with a certain amount of drama.

ant I'm sorry you're miserable but I'm not sure you should be that angry with yourself. Remember that, before the toing and froing of communicating with Miss H about why you ended it, you had reached a decision to end it after much calm thought. It's all got quite heated and intense since and she has changed your reading of the situation. Maybe the break next week is an opportunity for YOU to think again about what really works for you, especially getting away from the behaviours re your ex that you are perhaps repeating with Miss H.

@TigerDater that's like reading one of her messages, and I think is exactly what she's thinking. If I'd managed to come to the conclusion to end it after a few weeks of mulling it over, how can I be absolutely sure after a few days that I was wrong?
You may both be right about having some space to think, I just don't like it.
Patience is not one of my strong points!

@bangheadhere40 I’ve just started listening to mr unavailable, and having such a lightbulb moment, I had no idea how emotionally unavailable I am! I was married for 10 years, only now can I see that he was emotionally unavailable, he’s autistic, he wasn’t afraid of commitment but he wasn’t capable of being vulnerable with me or emotionally support me so I therefore kept part of me out of the relationship, no wonder it fell apart!! It’s come at the right time, I can read and learn and do things differently, I’m ready for that after time single - either mentally or more recently physical, and a couple of years of therapy!! I’m so glad this book has been talked about here!

Oh gosh, sorry, I didn't want to make you feel worse! It's just I remember the shenanigans of the summer where I may or may not have used a rude word about the horrible way Miss H treated you, so - painful as it is, I know - I do wonder whether the decision you made and have since reversed was in fact the right one for you in the long run.

Don't apologise 😂 the advice is much appreciated and didnt make me feel worse 😉
It's good to hear similar from somebody impartial as emotions are running high for the two of us. Maybe what she's doing is right even if it feels incredibly frustrating!

Just popped on to see where everyone's at and noticed the posts about moving too fast etc.

I'm someone that has moved fast but not too fast for me. Engaged within 5 months! We see each other every other day and have met each other's family. Because of young children we don't feel we have given up anything as neither had much of a social life before. Most of our dating has been evenings at home apart from every other w/e when we are child free. We are totally in love. We have laid our souls bare to each other and want the same things in life. We are perfect for each other in every way. I can't really explain how I knew he was the one initially other than everything just clicked in place.

I'm not writing this to be smug or justify myself - just to say, each to their own. I'm an all or nothing person who ignored red flags in previous relationships (MrWow) and previous ExH's. So to finally meet someone at my age (52) who ticks all my box's, is fantastic. We moved at a pace which suited us both - full on! I can't imagine that would be how the majority of people do it but I take no offence. Everyone on here has been very supportive and given great advice and it's thanks to them that I found what I was looking for.

Congratulations TooOld that's a lovely update!

Ant In her shoes I would be having a wobble too. If you are certain that you really do want to continue your relationship, I think all you can do is re-assure her as much as can and keep on communicating. Good luck.

@bangheadhere40 thanks - she's suggested meeting again in a few days, and wants me to show her around my local area - which I'm guessing means she wants to continue where we left off, and maybe have a bit more privacy at some point during the evening!

@Ant330 I've been in her shoes myself a few times, and it does make you feel rather emotionally battered and bruised for a bit. As others have said, just keep re-assuring her, and hopefully this will pass soon - good luck with it.

Yes fantastic update TooOld and lovely to hear it's going so well!

We all have very different approaches to relationships and that can change depending on who we're dating, but speed and impact on our own personal lives is best determined by the individual imo as they are best placed to decide that pace and how they will deal with anything going wrong.
Conversely I've been on here a year now I think and have read a lot of different scenarios, some great, some awful, lots somewhere in between. Likelihood is that somebody on here will have gone through what somebody else is now experiencing, so those opinions are always worth listening to and considering, particularly if it means you don't have to make the same mistakes they did.
Doesn't mean we have to do what is suggested, I'm the perfect example of somebody who completely ignored a whole thread's worth of advice I was given last summer. But I knew that I'd be welcomed back with support and understanding if it all went totally tits up. That's the nature of the thread, it isn't judgemental, always supportive, but everybody should be free to express their opinions whether it's what we want to hear or not.
Saying all that, imo nobody should feel the need to justify themselves unnecessarily, looking at you @Menora 😉 you do what you feel is right for you, it's what we're all trying to do.

@UtterSocks sorry to hear you're having a bad time of it at the moment. You're not alone in that, and OLD is very hard at times, especially if you are feeling a bit down anyway.

I'm still feeling pretty upset about my recent breakup, and OLD was making that worse - what worked for me was just looking at doing something completely different and out of my comfort zone. I'm starting to figure out that dating doesn't have to involve other people - sometimes it's good to just date yourself.

@Ant330 I think a bit of space might be good too, for both of you.

I also think this goes to show that none of us survive the breakdown of a marriage/LTR without some 'baggage' (I hate that term) and some of that inevitably goes with us into subsequent relationships.

It sounds like you have both had wobbles during your relationship and both are as a result of your previous relationships. Have either of you had any counselling to work through past issues? I think this may have been asked already so apologies but I'm not on here so often these days!