Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

That seems weird @uttersocks is he within a mile of you? Or must he have swiped to appear on your stack? Any chance someone has used his photo for a profile? Grasping at straws here a bit.

Other people being Dick's isn't our fault. But we can respond to it in a way they can't continue to be dicks to us. I need to learn this more when I'm involved.

I’m glad when it’s brought up directly I think that’s the right way to go about it and as people have pointed out they have done that

To come back to the thread and see an entire page about it and the way it was all worded with the horror shock and outrage was pretty shit to be honest and has made me feel shit generally. I am just voicing my feelings on how it made me feel. The last thread ended on how everyone else felt about it. Also all of this detracts from trying to help other people which is why I think I should leave as I don’t think any advice I give will be seen as credible anymore

I try to be diplomatic about everyone else’s situation and wouldn’t advocate rushing into anything. at the same time I have found myself in a pretty fast but relaxed flowing situation where I think there are obvious risks and they are certainly discussed openly. We haven’t made any promises to each other and are not in a defined relationship and have no intention to be for some time. At the end of the day I like him enough to give it a crack and can only take him at his word he is ready and only time will tell. As I am usually quite an avoidant person I am even surprised at myself

I appreciate all the advice even when I don’t want to hear it that is not the kind of person I am at all. I’m hurt by how it felt to come back to page 39/40 that is all as it just felt unpleasant. It was like reading a thread of PM’s

I felt I had addressed people individually and I was both asking a question and expressing an opinion on the speed people seemed to be moving at. Quite often the thread moves in waves and it felt we were in a wave of haste. I think some can take that speed better than others. But my genuine question of what's the rush remains. If something is going to work is there a need to rush at it? Does that increase the pain and fallout in the future (genuine question).

I'm feeling very cautious right now after an intense relationship didn't work out. And I think slowing things down would have been beneficial to me. I think I start off slow and then reach a point I feel comfortable and before I know it things have moved at pace.

@menora sorry you feel bad, all relationships are different, and your input has been valuable, especially about the attachment styles!

@Notcoolmum - don't leave either. I think you advised never to chase a message, a date anything! Since I took that stance I am finding things a lot less stressful. I always reciprocate but have learnt the art ( I think) of letting them initiate more, and it leaves you 'worrying a lot less'. Your advice about giving 1 slot only for Mr Dumfries worked too.....I was such a hopeless dater, basically chasing men looking back..........

I'm going to chip in and say that if you read a general comment and it feels like a personal attack, then it's probably saying a lot about your own internal doubts/worries if it strikes such a chord.

If general comments about "going fast" make you feel like you need to justify yourself then take a step back and ask why? If you're truly comfortable with what's happening then you don't need to justify to yourself or anyone else.

I think @menora and @shitwithsugaron have both mentioned feeling like they have to justify. You don't for the sake of strangers on a forum, but did you need to justify to yourself?

For anyone asking I don’t know if you want the questions answered from the other thread:

• I have an electric toothbrush and forgot it so he bought me a 99p pink toothbrush which I don’t need to take home as I have a better one
• I left some shorts and a T-shirt there because frankly they were all sweaty and smelt of sex so he washed them and I may as well just leave them there they are £7 Tesco job and some M&S pants even if I never saw them again I would be ok with it
• we don’t speak for hours on the phone we sometimes chat when I am walking dog/hands free when doing other things and we have FaceTimed at night when both free before bed
• I go to the gym some nights of the week but my friends do not go out often so although I see them I’m not giving up friend time I will still see them the same amount as usual, often for dog walks on sat or sun AM’s
• he goes running and gym nearly every day and works and stays over in the city one night a week and has DC EOW usually unless he’s done a swap
• my DD2 has a boyfriend and friends she socialises with nearly every weekend
• my DD1 has a job and visits her dad at weekends
• even when I see a date or Mr M I always fulfil my commitments to work or my DC, or going swimming (or gym) and all the things I always did anyway, but I have been bored in the evenings and DC do not spend as much time with me anymore anyway
• Mr M despite having a bad time with end of his marriage has what seems an amicable friendly RS with his ex wife and has a lot of extended family helping him out and a big group of friends. He went to Dublin the other weekend and going to NYC later this year, Edinburgh etc he goes away with his running club

We both have plenty of other things going on we are just busy and that’s very different to Mr Moving who had literally zero other hobbies and was very clingy

For me all the comments on the thread are hugely useful. Particularly when people talk of their side of the experience when things aren't going well.

I have a feeling that I might have a lot in common with the emotionally unavailable daters out there, unfortunately. I'm wondering if I'm accidentally stringing MrN along without having been very direct with him that I don't see our relationship moving forward beyond casual and (from my side) secretive dating.

It's given me pause for thought, definitely.

Thanks @bangheadhere40. That took a lot of learning from me and was great advice from @supercali77 to me. I don't chase anymore. I spent a whole 5 years once chasing someone. I look back now and I could slap that woman!!

@Menora I said exactly the same thing about my input no longer being credible back in the summer, and I'm paraphrasing a lot but essentially I was told not to be a muppet and my input was always welcome. Same goes for you, your experiences, advice and opinions are no more or less relevant than anybody elses 😉

@UncorrectedDoormat

That is one way of looking at it. And no I don’t really have to defend myself but the reason I have tried to is because now I feel that I am less valuable contributor or less credible and I don’t know how to carry on or whether to just leave.

This thread has been hugely helpful to me too, and I just wish I'd been here 3 or 4 months ago!

I've learnt a lot in my short time here, and have also been reduced to tears a few times as I've been overwhelmed by the kindness of all of those who have offered me advice and support over the last month or two.

@Menora you're one of those who helped me, and I for one would miss you posting here if you decided to step away.

@UncorrectedDoormat

What I have realised hugely is that what holds me back is some shame about things I have done/happened in the past and usually my avoidant-ness is because I don’t want to open up and be vulnerable with anyone. I now see that I can do that in a more healthy way - not laying out all my flaws and saying this is me come take your pick at what you don’t like, but more all those things made me who I am and if someone doesn’t like it then that’s not my fault.

I also have dated a lot of men who aren’t actually my type at all but they seemed safe bets and I knew I didn’t find them as attractive as I would have liked. Usually emotionally in touch, non threatening men but then I don’t want to deal with their emotions. I probably have to stop being afraid of actually fancying someone because my brain has always associated sexual attraction with negativity. I’m exploring this now - someone I actually do feel fully sexually attracted to and who I wouldn’t usually date

Please nobody leave! All advice is good advice when it is kindly meant and based on experience. And I’ve never seen any on this thread that seems anything other than caring.

I lurked on these threads for a couple of years before finally having the courage to post anything and ask for help.

The encouragement and support I've received has been amazing. Sometimes it feels like everyone is going on huge amounts of dates and meeting the person of their dreams. And I have to take a break because I feel like I'm going to be the only single person left on here.

But I always come back because I like to read all the posts. It's helped me understand how to deal with different situations and how different people react e.g. messaging styles.

Mistakes have been made, love has been found and we've discussed topics that I probably wouldn't ask my RL friends.

Let's all take a deep breath and get back on track because I need to know if I should have a date with someone who is a whole foot taller than me

@echo is this the 6foot 8 guy? you said you wanted taller.....;-) Go for it!

Ooh @EchoElephant tell us more...

bangheadhere40 yes it is! He's also the bloke that said he did nothing on the weekends. So I don't have high hopes that we are going to get on.
But I am curious about how tall he is.

I've dated someone that tall. I'm now dating someone just a little shorter than me. It's easier to snog someone your own height, but once you're lying down... 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️

I think there are short people hang ups and tall people hang ups, and it can impact personality but doesn't necessarily.

Interestingly, I view myself as short (I'm not - I'm 5'7") because I have huge brothers and lived in a student house where the next shortest person was 6'5". Formative years spent as a shorty!

@Ant330 and @Notcoolmum I appreciate the thoughts but he is super smart and manages huge IT projects, I expect he has figured out Tinder, the techie aspects if not how to treat women . He must have liked me again, I’d swiped left on everyone over a mile away by Saturday this week, then he pops up today, 16 miles away. Either he is deliberately being a bit headfucky or he just genuinely doesn’t give a shit what I think 🤔 Or maybe figures that I am so stupid that a name change would throw me (“ooh those 3 photos and profile text look familiar but he’s called Mr Scientologist and mine is Mr Science so it must be a different chap 🧐) Part of me, the part that is direct and confident, wants to just ask him WTF? But the crappy self hating me of this week thinks just block him before he disappoints me even more and I boost his ego by letting him know I care enough to ask.

Also I hope nobody on here leaves because you have all given lovely advice and support at one time or another. I think @UncorrectedDoormat made a good point about things something striking a chord because of our own self doubts rather than it being meant in a personal way by another. I am quite sensitive to that, not so much on here where i rarely have news 😫 but definitely at work sometimes or in other areas.

I would definitely go on that date echo, I’m 5’9 (in the morning) and I would just love to know what it’s like being with someone a foot taller. I had a date lined up just like that last summer, then he evidently decided not to leave his mum’s basement as he disappeared 😂. Obviously I hope that doesn’t happen to you 😳

I had 3 dates last summer with someone who was 6ft 5.
And I got neck ache trying to reach up to kiss him 😂

Despite being fiercely independent, I like a man who is taller and can wrap me up in him arms. Makes me feel safe.
Mr FO was the best person I've met for hugs. And I miss that even though he was a huge headfuck!

just wanted to say please no-one leave. all advice is welcome. I know myself I've not dated for over 10 year and although I like to hear all ur advice and opinions there is a huge part that I feel like I just have to learn myself. the advice does stop me getting too carried away. I was prob one of the ones being referred to re meeting parents and kids, which was a mistake as well as a learning curve and the meeting kids especially I wouldnt do again.

I spend ALL my time when not at work with my dd, rarely go out with friends as they are all settled so I am looking forward to getting in to dating and although will need to give up some time with my dd, I think it will benefit us both.

I really cant be bothered with the apps at the moment but I do like chatting to people 🤔. have 1 iron mr driver, only chatting a few days. 2 hr call last night, seems nice. when would u expect him to ask to meet, do u think feb 14th will be putting him off? there is an movie fest next weekend where I'd like to see an old movie, do u think I should ask him if he'd like to go?

@UtterSocks I think you can call him out on it without looking like you care 😉

@UtterSocks could a friend of added him 🤷🏼‍♀️. I had about 3 tinder profiles added by different well meaning / drunk friends