Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

[Interestedwoman]

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions :)

Please cut all contact with this manipulative creep.

OP you need to cut this toxic person out of your life.

And try and meet other friends, you sound very all consumed by your relationships (I include friendships in this as they are a type of relationships) and it may be helpful for you to reset your own expectations and boundaries around relationships.

Do you work or have any hobbies where you meet people ? I think you need to meet new friends but take it very slowly and be patient with yourself.

Blow me, I love you 'guys.'

'He was guilting you into not showing your feelings to him because they make him feel bad.'

@Branleuse Great explanation, thanks!

^'He's basically telling you he doesn't want to chat to you now that the sex that he wants isn't an option.

I speak from experience - I had a FWB used to call me names & sulk when I declined to participate in his sexual fantasies.'^

@NurseButtercup Thanks. So sorry you had a similar experience. Did you ditch him as a friend in the end? Or just stop the 'benefits' bit?

'You know exactly why sex with him feels wrong - because it's rubbish and he tries to get you to do things you don't enjoy. It's not mysterious.'

@category12 Lol, right on the money! Thanks.

It's so disappointing to have someone you're so attracted to and then when you actually get down to it, it's shit.

'He is punishing you - he knows that in the past, you were willing to trade sex for his friendship and emotional intimacy. So he is withdrawing his side of the deal to pressure you into restarting the sex.'

@FineWordsForAPorcupine Thanks. IDK if he's after the sex still.

It does seem to me that some of this is bullshit, because when we had the previous conversation the other week, I didn't actually get that upset. So, he can't be responding to my getting upset, unless maybe it's to some previous instance.

He did at that time give the 'I can't handle this, with work and my health etc' line. But what he was responding to was not me getting upset, but my saying his previous behaviour had been a bit shit.

'How dare you withdraw sex! He will punish you until you capitulate.'

@FineWordsForAPorcupine Ohmagerrd! I fear you might be right. It sounds almost fascist.

' I am deeply concerned by how dependent on him you are. Do you have other people in your life who can support you?'

Fred supports me, I also have one or two other friends I see ocasionally, and now I'm doing some courses I should meet other people. I could be in a worse situation socially I suppose.

'it may be helpful for you to reset your own expectations and boundaries around relationships.'

@ArabellaDoreenFig What sort of thing do you mean?

Do you work or have any hobbies where you meet people ? I think you need to meet new friends but take it very slowly and be patient with yourself.

Thanks. Now I have my course and Freedom Programme, I'm getting to know more people. That all started at once and it was like it clicked together. I hope it keeps going. I'm doing a different course this week, then think I'm going to just stick with those couple of things for a bit.

Thanks again everyone. xxx

You need to take it very slowly with new people.

Focus on the content of the Freedom Programme, not the people doing it with you. The content is the important part.

It sounds almost fascist.
There is a reason for this.
The reason is that your FWB is basically a human tank who will get what he wants from you or roll right over you to the next person with poor boundaries whom he can exploit.

Oh dear, I found out something else nasty about him! Wanna hear?

Oh dear! Hope you're ok 🙂

What did you hear about him?

No, you don't have to do X,Y and Z to please him. He needs to accept the fact you have no desire to participate in such acts. You do not require therapy either. If it's such an issue for him, perhaps he should find another woman who's interested in X,Y and Z.

@SimplySteveRedux I'm not too bad thanks.

I found out something he did which has helped confirm what he's like to me.

I mentioned in another thread that there's a vulnerable woman with both physical and mental health disabilities that he chats to online after he saw her on FB somewhere saying she was suicidal, and so messaged her as he's a therapist.

He claimed she sent him unsolicited explicit pics and videos, and he asked her to stop. Turned out, true to form. it was him who was nagging her for these.

Last night, she was telling me she had problems with urinary incontinence. He had told me all her secrets, so, as she guessed, he'd already told me about this.

I said, 'I'm surprised Bob didn't ask you for pics.'

She said, 'Yes, he did. He used to say things like, 'Yum! Show me.'

Eek. I dodged a bullet thanks to you, team.

God, hes vile.

What a nasty piece of work he is

She did draw the line at sending him those.

She and I have been chatting about him, and I had a thought about when he used to say to me, 'she's not a good person.' (He painted her as argumentative and litigious.)

Am I being wrong or paranoid in thinking that that could've been to push my button about being a good girl, helpful, seeking approval, fearing rejection? And by implication of anger=bad, not getting angry?

I did find the narc thread that disappeared helpful, when the poster said 'remember it's not personal, they're just seeking supply.'

So, whether he thought she was a good person or not wasn't relevant. The comment served a purpose, as did all his anecdotes about her, maybe.

Tell him your ex loved having a big fat vibrator shoved up his arse and that your boyfriend needs therapy so he can learn to enjoy it

@Crazycatperson Thanks, but we've been through that. He loves it There's nothing he won't do. Except just have nice, normal sex that a lover's comfortable with and enjoys, maybe. That's probably taboo for him.

Honestly, it's enough to turn you as vanilla as Wall's soft scoop.

Hi, this is Interested.

I just remembered another thing he said towards the end. He said 'we're using each other, aren't we?'

Msged him later or something and said I was really shocked at that, 'I'm not using you at all.' I was really hurt that he said that, but I didn't 'hear' the first half of the sentence.

IDK why he thinks I would use him for that 'sex.' Most of the time he could barely do anything at all, bless him.

Things are moving very slowly, waiting for the police to drop it as it's my word against his.

I'll be happy if they at least interview him, might be an unpleasant experience and stop him being as keen to do that to vulnerable women again.

After I'm done with the police stuff I have other stuff up my sleeve.

Umm, what exactly are his therapy qualifications?! You know anyone can do an online course and call themselves a 'therapist'.

He sounds completely unsafe to be practicing and should be reported to his regulatory body, although I doubt he has one.

Urgh, I’m glad you’re out of it. Is he registered as a therapist anywhere? Sorry if you already mentioned and I missed. Seems like if he is and you can stomach it any professional body he may be registered with needs to know. He’s using his experience in therapy to target vulnerable women.

So did you go to the police about him then, @Interestedwoman ?

Do you still see him as your friend?

I think you’ve made some great progress, over the course of this thread, in recognising that he’s an abusive sleazebag who has deliberately manipulated you and any other women he can get his grubby paws on. Well done. 💐

@JudyGemstone @SophieSong He is well qualified with a Ph.D and in the professional body. They don't deal with 'personal matters' so I can't report hiim directly to them, but I'm going to contact the centre he rents a room out of/gets work from, not that they'll do anything , but they should have an idea about what he's like.

Signing the form and paying the fee to join a professional body unfortunately doesn't stop someone being a twat, especially not in the rest of their lives.

@JoinTheMicrodots Thanks! Yes, I got rid of him and went to the police- not expecting them to do much as it's just my word against his, but hopefully they'll interview him, which might make him think twice for a moment before he does it to someone again.

Some people were giving up on me by page 5 of this thread, but they shouldn'tve done lol. It can take people more than a day to see that one of the people they see most often and think they are most fond of is really bad! I think it was really impressive actually that within the space of 9 days, through the help and advice everyone gave me including in the little tangential follow up thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3808251-How-much-does-a-man-who-exploits-a-vulnerable-woman-know-what-hes-doing? He was blocked on all fronts.

I used to see him three or four times a week, and I didn't have many other activities. But he's not been missed!

So the sisters of Mumsnet can accomplish amazing things. Please don't give up on an OP.

OK, so the latest is apparently he's (falsely) claiming I wrote to his dialysis unit asking them to stop his treatment because he's evil.

A friend says he's seeming 'bizarre' and 'paranoid.' I might find out more later.

Oh, sorry, the above was me

No, it's pathetic at best, but more likely a foretaste of controlling and/or abusive behaviour. Why would anyone with the slightest amount of self esteem put up with it?

Hi op

By any chance, this guy doesn't teach courses in counselling does he?

I've not read what X, Y or Z may be, as I really think it does not matter as long as these acts are legal.

I think that we all have a right to ask for what we want and we all have a right to find fulfilment with a person that is sexually compatible.

Some people place sexual fulfilment low in their list of priorities, others place it higher. I believe that people also have a right to be with a partner that prioritises needs compatibly.

Why would anyone with the slightest amount of self esteem put up with it?

@ginghamstarfish I really liked him for a while, so I wanted him to like me. And I didn't have many fwends. I haven't missed this one, though.

@Guiltypleasures001 He doesn't teach courses in it as such, but he does take on supervisees. Have you known a similar guy?

I think that we all have a right to ask for what

@PrussianBlueVelvet Yes, ask once or twice for something, but if the person has told you no you don't keep nagging them for it, that's sexual coercion. I'm getting psyched up to tell the next person who tries it to fuck off.

Hi

Yes I have, he was a lecturer on one of my courses a few years ago