Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

[Interestedwoman]

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions :)

Maybe give him a taste of his own medicine?
Is there anything he doesnt like?
'hey you wanna do X?'
No thanks, but i would really like to try A.'
'nah, you know im not into that.'
'oh well maybe you should try therapy, so you learn to like it. Youre really missing out!'

You’re not compatible and should split up. I can’t see that either of you are getting what you want from this and the way he is going about things is quite nasty

he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it,

The first statement tells you why he's saying the 2nd. He's only saying all of this because he enjoys it. Whatever he likes seems really important for him so I think you should do both of you a favour and split up. It's only going to cause more trouble later on.

It would annoy me and as he is just a FWB... I'd let him go.

Urgh. On so many levels.

I don't doubt it's extremely unpleasant. But he may just have a very limited capacity for empathy or low emotional intelligence

I would hope not, given that OP has said that he hi self is also a therapist!

He is the one needing therapy. He sounds obnoxious and creepy. He knows you don't like it and to suggest you need thereby to get to like it is revolting and nasty. It's so manipulative.
I'd dump him.

Honestly, he isn't your friend. No friend would suggest therapy to overcome personal boundaries within a sexual relationship. The fact he is a therapist is very very worrying, you should report him because who knows how many other vulnerable women he is coercing.

Hell no! You've told him you don't like it so it should never come up in conversation again. He has no respect for you to keep insisting YOU need therapy so that HE can enjoy himself!

To me OP, this seems like him almost trying to use your mental illness against you. He's suggesting you have therapy to help you 'enjoy' something you don't want to do?? Wtf? Absolutley not. Get rid of him. What he's suggesting is bordering on coercion.

He is a therapist (not mine!) so if he says 'maybe you should have therapy to try and like X' it perhaps doesn't have quite the same connotations as if the average bloke says it? What do you think
Absolutely shocking and disgusting is what I think.

Everyone ( I think) has said he is twisting your mind, being abusive and cohersive but you are coming out with the 'he's a good friend' line so what are you going to do about the situation? Tell him to STFU and not ask again? Let him wear you down with poster power? What answers was you expecting to hear ?

Yuck. Not OK and would put me right off him.

I don't care how "minor" or "mainstream" a sex act is, you still have the right to say no to it and the right not to be pressured to do it! Everyone has that right.

Everyone is different and you know what works for you. You've even tried this thing in the past, so you have a very clear idea of whether you like it or not. And now he's trying to convince you that there's something wrong with you that needs fixing, rather than accepting your choice?

This guy sounds very creepy and unpleasant and I would not want to live with that.

Friends don't try to pressure friends into sex acts, by the way. That's one of the things friends don't do.

This is not ok. Would you think it ok to keep asking him to do things you knew he wasnt comfortable with? No you wouldnt. Its coercive at best and abusive at worst.

Its absolutely terrifying that he is a therapist frankly

He is a good friend who I like to think appreciates me, and largely enhances my life.

Urm, no he really is not any of this. Yes you do need to speak to a therapist about this, mainly to get the rose tinted spectacles off and see this person for what he is, not who you appear to think he is.

Thanks for all the replies, really helpful. xx

@Nuttyfellalovesnutella 'Maybe it’s him who needs to see a therapist if he needs to keep hassling you.'

@MimiLaRue 'Would you tell a gay man he needs therapy because he doesnt want to have sex with a woman?'

Good points both.

@Jeleste ''oh well maybe you should try therapy, so you learn to like it. Youre really missing out!''

Lol!

@Shoxfordian 'There's a word for a man who tries to coerce you into sex and it's not therapist.'

To those who suggested it was anal: -it's not usually anal :) Though he did go 'gah, I really want to...' the other day in the bedroom. Usually he's not asking for these things in the heat of the moment.

It can be quite a range of stuff, some of it quite extreme, but the 'you could have therapy' one (he's suggested that a couple of times) was that I don't mind giving oral sex but I don't like receiving it, it just makes me jumpy.

The relatively extreme thing (by conventional standards) is adult cinemas, where he used to like watching me have sex with other men. So often when we meet up he'd be like 'I don't suppose you'd like to go to the cinema today?' edited by MNHQ*

And he likes 'pegging' and is bi, so those examples are great but unfortunately wouldn't work. Maybe I could suggest he gets therapy to like the idea of 'urethral sounding.' www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/cock-ball-toys/urethral-sounds/ Not that I want to do that but I could keep bringing it up to him in response, as I don't think most guys like the idea.

--
As to whether he attempts to control me in other ways- my best friend is my ex partner. FWB doesn't want my ex knowing that we still have a sexual relationship, so I'm 'banned' from talking to my bestie about the sex, otherwise FWB has said he'll cut ties with me. He doesn't particularly mind me talking about it to any of my friends who don't know him though.

I had a lot of therapy about him in the past, mainly for different issues, although one therapist did tell me to tell him I don't like the cinema and to stop doing it, and I did.

You are all right- if he mentions any of it again I'll just ask him to stop doing it, as it's manipulative.

He appears to be weaponising his therapist background to manipulate a mentally vulnerable woman into doing his sexual will. What a fucking prince.

No, its not okay if you've already discussed it and made your feelings clear. He's trying to coerce you into something you don't like to do....where's the love in that?

Pretend it's not about sex.

If, on the first day you met, he cooked you a really hot curry. You aren't in to really hot curries, but you try it (because you've just met and he's made an effort). You have a little but you really don't like it and say so.

Now, every time you meet, he tries to get you to eat a very hot curry. He tells you that other people like very hot curries and maybe if you try it and keep trying it and talk to ther people who like it, then YOU could come to like very hot curries. Despite you repeatedly saying that you don't like very ho curries, you will NEVER like very hot curries and you don't really care what other people eat.

Doesn't he now look like a complete tit?

It's the same thing. You don't like it, he repeatedly tries to deny that you don't like it and make you endure it, whether you want to or not. That is not the behaviour of a friend. Or, in my opinion, a reputable therapist.

Ditch the bastard. He is too annoying.

See I would be really annoyed by that. I’d tell him to either stop asking for xyz or just end things. It’s not like it’s that difficult to find a new FWB, I don’t see any point in putting up with one this irritating.

No. Just no.

No and no again. A decent partner & any professional therapist would recognise that how you were in one period of time due to an episode of hypomania is not necessarily something you will want to recreate.

Anyone who continues to try to push your boundaries is not being respectful of you at all.

Ask once or twice, then get the message.

Also, you don't have to like something just because others do. Him saying that is the adult equivalent of a child saying "but everyone at school has one" ... no they don't! It's a lie designed to manipulate.

@Wereallsquare seems to have hit the nail on the head.
He appears to be weaponising his therapist background to manipulate a mentally vulnerable woman into doing his sexual will.

Your (therapist!) FWB advised you to seek therapy so you could have the kind of sex that he enjoys

Male psychotherapists make me highly uneasy - most of the ones I've met have no qualms at all about exploiting their knowledge to manipulate others.