Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

[Interestedwoman]

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions :)

I don't think it's abusive to ask for something, it's not like he's forcing OP into it.

It's a difficult situation OP because of course you shouldn't be feeling pressured into doing something you don't want to do, but equally he isn't wrong to want or ask for it, as long as he's not doing it in a forceful way.

It sounds like you may just be mismatched sexually.

I wondered if it might be oral as I don't really like it either and some of the men I have been with have been really offended or said I just haven't been with the right man yet. I have been with women too who are good at it. I just don't like it. No means no in every context. He is boundary stomping and sounds manipulative and unpleasant.

Ok I've just read your updates....doesn't sound like a great situation, I'd end it.

He is a therapist (not mine!) so if he says 'maybe you should have therapy to try and like X' it perhaps doesn't have quite the same connotations as if the average bloke says it? What do you think?

He is dangerously manipulative ... you are already IN therapy.. and he suggesting you have additional therapy to persuade you to let him do anal.. to therapise yourself to make you like it.. tell him to GET TO FUCK.. I bet he's shagging countless other woman doing the exact same thing to them.... he's pitiful..

I know what I like, and that is it . I've been in a relationship for over 20 years and have never done anything I don't want to . I guess we are pretty vanilla when it comes down to it, so much so I'm off to Google ' pegging ' !

Update :
Nope never pegged !

TheBlueStocking Sorry if you think my attitude is off, but what did the OP actually WANT? The more she has revealed, the more off this whole situation is and how fucking out of order this bloke is, not just as a so-called FWB (I don't see much of the friends bit) but also as a therapist - the fact he's not her therapist is irrelevant. What he's saying is so seriously suspect. And if despite all everyone has said to be helpful, the OP is going to carry on seeing him, well, it was a waste of time.

@ShatnersWig

Perhaps so. But I think voicing that is equally pointless. And in fact, would probably actually cheese off the OP without purpose. If you can't say anything nice etc.

@Bibidy of course it's ok for him to ask for what he wants if it's things he knows are sometimes on the table now. But if he knows some things are pretty much hard no's and I've told him that months ago, he shouldn't still be asking if I'm up for them and so on. I think that's part of what the PP's are saying, and what I kind of felt myself.

To the PP's who said he shouldn't really have done things with me (adult cinema which involves group sex with random ugly strangers etc) while I was hypomanic (which he knew I was) I spoke to the psychologist today and she agreed with you.

Am on my phone at the moment and don't find it easy to reply etc - thanks for all your replies and I'll look at them later/reply tomorrow. This is really helpful- thanks.

Starting a counselling skills course tonight. Wish me luck! Xx

You need to bin him. He is not kind. He is not caring. And he is certainly not your friend.

You’ve said no. He isn’t listening.

If you carry on seeing him what on Earth makes you think he is going to change his behaviour going forward?

He isn’t and he won’t.

He sounds rather yuck! A therapist trying to get his bipolar partner to do things he knows make her extremely uncomfortable?

And come again about the adult cinema - so you HAD sex with random ugly strangers or watched a film about it? It sounds like that “eyes wide shut” film!

As a therapist he should know better than most about respecting boundaries!
Of course you shouldn’t be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to sexually, and for him to keep asking when he knows you don’t want to is wrong.

He's the reason they moved the sweeties away from the checkout queue. He's like a pestering 3yo with no scruples. How is he a therapist? Though anyone can hang out their slate, I guess

Oh, and you were definitely being 'punished' for non-compliance in your last encounter. He's making himself redundant in your life, isn't he?

@FanniesYerAunt The films are just a pretext and the places are for sex with strangers really. If only it were like Eyes Wide Shut. :) Maybe a version with decrepid guys in dirty macs :)

Just rtft OP, I am horrified in all honesty, that he took you too an adult cinema whilst you were hypomanic. As a mental health worker, I would say without a doubt he has taken advantage of you in vunerable mental state. He is despicable and should in no way be allowed to practice as a therapist. Horrible man.

is the REAL ?

Dare. Bumble. Shatner. ✔️

Smileys? Pictures orgy not fine with ugly people but ok if full of the beautiful people?
Notwithstanding the fact that your mental health was in question at the time and a fwb put you in that position?

Ok. Maybe time to move it to the sex board.

Ahmoot.

He sounds really creepy and revolting. I wouldn't ever want to go near him again if I were you OP. He's a nasty little man.

What sort of therapist is he? What are his qualifications?

I’m starting to hope that this isn’t real.

He's not much of a lover, is he?!

If it's not mutually enjoyable you shouldn't be doing it. I'm sure you've got a novel, painting or song you've been meaning to write for decades. Like most people. You could be doing that instead.

How did you meet this weirdo, op ?

My DP is bipolar, now controlled after a course of lithium. He never realised when he was manic (also high libido then) until I told him.

You may fancy your FWB like crazy but he really isn't helping you at all and is taking advantage of your mental ill-health. You can do so much better.

Just because he's a therapist doesn't mean he's a good one - or that he has any concept of ethics.

The whole point of a FwB is that it's supposed to be low key no strings fun. A FwB has no rights to your time, attention or to make demands - they are a booty call, end of.

This guy is continually trying to coerce you into things that you don't want to do, even after you have told him no. He's also making demands about what you tell your friends - which is actually none of his business.

Dump him and find a new and better FwB.