Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

[Interestedwoman]

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions :)

You should only have to say no once
There's a word for a man who tries to coerce you into sex and it's not therapist.
Seriously you should dump him

A huge part of therapy is about understanding, accepting and keeping your own boundaries. It's really worrying that as a therapist he thinks it should be used to make someone change their boundaries to suit someone else

I don't think it makes him abusive, but it's certainly exhausting when someone won't listen when you tell them no. It doesn't have to be this specific instance. It's the idea that he either doesn't respect your autonomy enough to make your own decisions or he considers his opinions to be important enough to supersede yours.

I would have one final chat with him saying that it will end up being a deal breaker if he cannot respect that no means no, whether literally or figuratively.

Fucking hell OP, he's also a therapist!!!

It gets worse. Using that to add weight to his coersion. Its nauseating.

God OP, do see sense soon. This is a dangerous man to your mental health.

I don't think it makes him abusive

But it IS abusive, especially with the added context of the OPs mental health and his profession. Its twisted.

The bit that concerns me the most is him suggesting you need therapy do you can enjoy what? He’s going to make your bipolar much worse OP.

No its abusive and you don't have to consent to anything you don't feel comfortable with.

Have you discussed this relationship with your therapist? I think you should. Not to make you do what he wants but to look at whether this is the only example of him trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants and if it is a healthy relationship for you.

No it's not ok

He is being coercive

I'm shocked he's a therapist

This is not healthy

Can you tell him to stfu about it, you've decided after actually a decent period of time experimenting with it, that its not something you enjoy and if he cant accept that maybe HE is the one that needs therapy, or if he still cant accept your sexual preferences maybe he can fuck off rather than try and bully you further into things you dont like.

Get rid of this vile tosser.
He is not your friend at all.

It's very easy to find a man to shag. No shortage at all. Go find another one who won't try to pressure you into things you don't want to do and manipulate you.

But it IS abusive, especially with the added context of the OPs mental health and his profession. Its twisted.

I don't doubt it's extremely unpleasant. But he may just have a very limited capacity for empathy or low emotional intelligence. I realise it's very convenient to call every unpleasant interaction in a relationship abusive, but it does tend to become overused and hyperbolic in certain circles, the relationships board being a prime example. That said, it's certainly a strong indicator that he and the OP are not compatible.

If YOU had said you wanted to enjoy XYZ and he suggested a specific course of therapy, that would be okay.

Him pushing you to confront something just so he can enjoy it, not okay.

Him pretending that it's all for your benefit when you've said no repeatedly, especially not okay.

He is not a good therapist or friend from what you've said here. He is using you for what he wants, and he wants to change you.

Also he COULD find someone into X,YZ and anything else you can possibly imagine. There's a website for most things where you can meet like-minded people. The fact he's pushing your boundaries shows he enjoys the power and control rather than equality with a sex partner who's into the same stuff he is. Red flag he is an abuser

most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like)

Well then there are plenty of women who he could get this from so why does he keep asking you? Maybe you can suggest he gets that from somewhere else.

The fact that he keeps asking makes him an arsehole. You have said no more than once. He is trying to coerce you into doing it. It is abusive. He should know that. And no, this is no different because he is a therapist. In fact it is worse.

He is a good friend who I like to think appreciates me is that because he has a sexual relationship with you?

You need to have a conversation where you tell him it is unacceptable to ask you again for this sexual act. If he does, I would say the with benefits part of our friendship is over.

Abuse doesn't have to be consciously done. Repeatedly asking for something and wheedling someone to the point that they're doubting themselves (especially when you use your 'authority' to do so) is abusive. Not all counsellors and therapists are good.

He's not really a FWB if he's mentally draining you. FWB are supposed to be fun and stress-free. It's the whole point.

No. Tell him that “most men are into being fucked by a woman wearing a strap on.” I bet he changes his tune real fast. Get rid.

Eugh! He'd be dumped so fast the second time he asked for 'X', after being told NO the first time, his feet wouldn't touch the ground 😡

PP said 'it's always anal'. If this is true, and he's repeatedly asking for it, bring out your BIGGEST vibrator and tell him to turn over, that it's his turn first...he'd quickly back-peddle! An ex tried this shit with me once, and I waved my 7" rabbit at him to demonstrate my feelings...he visibly blanched 😂

I despair at how much influence porn has had in recent years on mens sexual preferences. 30 years ago, which is when I was first starting to date, they were happy just to cop a glimpse of a bra through your blouse buttons!

This is about anal isn’t it? Well tell him most women don’t enjoy that and actually from a biological perspective you should be pegging him because men have a prostrate gland up there. When he objects tell him “what?! Most men love it”

I don't think it makes him abusive

Of course its abusive. He's trying to make her do something sexually she doesnt want and when she said no, he says she needs therapy.

Would you tell a gay man he needs therapy because he doesnt want to have sex with a woman? and plenty of men are bi so why isn't he? Sex is one of those areas where preferences NEED to be respected and personal boundaries are important. If you cant respect someones sexual boundaries then you have no business having sex with anyone.

Its abusive. No two days about it.

@Russellbrandshair of course it's anal. These posts are always about anal 😂

He shouldn’t be keep pressurising you if you have told him repeatedly. Maybe it’s him who needs to see a therapist if he needs to keep hassling you. It’s ok not to like certain things.
There will be plenty of men and women not into X, Y and Z.

Therapist my arse.

I guess it depends how you answer.
'hey you wanna do x?' 'no, not tonight' so he will keep asking.
If you say 'we have tried it, i never liked it and never will so stop asking.' and he still brings it up all the time then i wouldnt be impressed at all.