Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

[Interestedwoman]

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions :)

@Interestedwoman

He is a therapist (not mine!) so if he says 'maybe you should have therapy to try and like X' it perhaps doesn't have quite the same connotations as if the average bloke says it? What do you think?
It definitely has different connotations, he's an arsehole and he shouldn't be practicing as a therapist. Please get rid of him, he's no friend to you, he's twisted and warped. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. He's actively trying to force you to engage in a sexual act that you don't enjoy. Get rid as soon as you can

@AutumnRose1 Brrr! I hadn't heard the song but read the lyrics and played it. It does sound familiar. Great song btw- thanks! Have you been in a similar situation?

He is a good friend who I like to think appreciates me, and largely enhances my life.

He is also belittling you by not listening to you. His behaviour sounds coercive too.

Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

Absolutely not.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X

That's a phrase I've heard before, when a friend was in an abusive relationship. It's horrible. It invites you to question yourself and give him what he wants.

He sounds truly self-absorbed and abusive. Suggesting you could just have 'therapy' so he could get his own way, is narcissistic and disrespectful of you. Tbh I would leave him. Now, before you get too close. He has no respect for you as a person and no respect for your boundaries. Never allow yourself to be coerced by a man into something you don't feel comfortable doing.

OP

I’ve not been in a similar situation because I met someone who tried to talk me into something I didn’t want...i took a cab home. He was also a friend before we went on any dates.

Never saw him again.

The fact he is a therapist makes it worse IMO. A lay person might not understand what therapy is about or have thought much about what is appropriate and what isn’t. He’s horrid.

Regardless of the coercion to do things you dont want to do

The oh he's a therapist and says go get therapy so I'll enjoy it ?
Really I'm stunned, so stunned in fact Ide be reporting him to whatever professional body he hopefully belongs to.

So he's a therapist dating a self confessed bi-polar partner, and is trying to get her to do shit she doesn't want to do. He is so far away from his professional ethics it's astounding, Ide say he's border line dangerous.

I'm sorry op this is not healthy, it's so wrong in many ways.

Honeslty, everything you wrote is irrelevant apart from

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

That's all you needed to say. He is being a prick. Dump. Move on.

An ex of mine kept asking for two things; anal, and doggy position. Both of them cause me pain. He wouldn't stop asking. I told him was being a selfish prick and dumped him.

You know what you need to do.

In answer to your question NO it is NOT OK. Not ever. Nobody should do anything they don't want to do and by going on about it, he is being an abusive knob. I would dump him.

You can do better than him. You deserve better.

What kind of a therapist bullies and belittles a woman into getting therapy so he gets his desires met? That’s revolting! You say he enhances your life? Perhaps he did as a friend, but if he’s a fwb rather than a boyfriend it’s already a little belittling- even more so when he’s trying to keep pushing his sexual desires on you, despite knowing you don’t like them. But to suggest that you get therapy is the topper! Not what I’d want in a friend or fwb.

I imagine that being a therapist himself h e this is that his suggestion that you get yourself therapyised would carry more weight as his other tactics haven't worked.

... he thinks that his suggestion.....

He’s a therapist..... who thinks you need therapy to do things he wants you to do. His poor patients.... Jeeeezus.
Tell him to sod off.
You are not a performing animal.

It's always bumsex, too. In a just world, these porn-addled men would get no sex at all.

It's not OK, OP. You know this very well, or you wouldn't have asked.

He is abusive and telling you that 'most women enjoy X' is coercive.

The fact that he is a therapist is chilling (yes I know he is not your therapist).
He is sailing very close to the professional regulation wind.

You need to find another FWB.

Does he attempt to exert control in other areas of your life? You've said "No", that's the end for anyone. He clearly has little respect for your opinion, likely women in general.

In my case, there is a specific sex act I won't do because of being the victim of a sex crime. I am upfront about this, because I still have PTSD from it.

Sorry to read this @Spindoctor , I have PTSD from the same scenario. Hope you're in remission

If you have to ask the question, you should not be in a relationship.

I am worried to hear that someone with so little respect for your personal bodily autonomy and agency is a therapist.

I am worried for his clients. does he prioritise the sexual fulfillment of their partners over their own wishes too, or is that just you?

a decent partner would never ask again having been told you aren't into X. he has made you aware her is interested in X already and if you ever change your mind you can let him know.

what other women like is only relevant if he is in a situation of a sexual encounter with one of these other women.

He is a therapist (not mine!) so if he says 'maybe you should have therapy to try and like X' it perhaps doesn't have quite the same connotations as if the average bloke says it? What do you think?

It makes him more of an asshole and I pity anyone who is under his ‘care’.

No is a complete sentence and what is stopping him from seeking out some of these women who supposedly enjoy what he likes.

Stop having sex with this man.

No is a complete sentence

This in bucketfuls. This sort of behaviour contributed to my divorce. XH changed so much in the last three years of our (long) marriage, decided he wanted to do something that I definitely did not.

He moved into the spare room after the third attempt to coerce me into doing something I definitely did not want to do and I asked him to leave three months later.

You don't need this OP. Imagine if you had a DC in a relationship like this, what would you advise them?

He's an abusive creep and I worry about what sort of ''therapist'' he is. Why do you have such low self esteem that you even have this man in your life? I would've blocked him long ago.

No, it's not OK.

And as pp's said, him being a therapist makes it worse. But then, predators seek positions of power.