Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

[Interestedwoman]

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions :)

This guy is sounding more and more like a manipulative bastard. He's not a friend, he's controlling AF.

Not a good friend.

Not one with any benefit I can see.

And not a good therapist by the sounds of it.

Dump. Move on. In all aspects.

He is a therapist (not mine!) so if he says 'maybe you should have therapy to try and like X' it perhaps doesn't have quite the same connotations as if the average bloke says it? What do you think? I think he is using his knowledge to further manipulate you.

As a therapist he should know that you can't use your therapy to a coerce a client like that!

He is a good friend who I like to think appreciates me, and largely enhances my life. By repeatedly asking you to engage in a sex act you don't want, pushing you to have therapy for it, and manipulating you by saying "most" women enjoy it, so you should too? I don't think that's enhancing.

You are all right- if he mentions any of it again I'll just ask him to stop doing it, as it's manipulative. He knows that op. He isn't going to stop.

Actually, thinking about it, if he had sex with you whilst you were in a hypomanic phase - what kind of therapist IS he?

Would it not have been more responsible for him to have persuaded you to seek treatment, and to have put off having sex with you until you were on a more even keel?

Sounds as though he took advantage of you being unwell because he knew, in that phase, you'd gratify his every whim.

Just for info, op, I'm not that into oral, I have to be in the right mood for it because it also makes me feel very vulnerable.
Yes I know lots of other women like it but I'm not them and I don't care.
Exh also used to pressure me about it and that just made it worse. Actually it was the tip of the iceberg about a whole range of subtle but very manipulative ways he had to get what he wanted. He is now an ex and I wish I'd seen his attitude about oral at the beginning as the huge red flag it was.

He has left me with a whole heap of hang ups about sex which are now impacting my current relationship (with a guy who thinks whatever we do is amazing and would never dream of pushing my boundaries to get what he wants).

You don't need this in your life.

No OP, jesus, if you don’t like it and you don’t want to do it then tough shit. you don’t need to force yourself to like any sexual acts, you certainly don’t need therapy, because there isn’t a problem to be addressed. It’s only a problem for him because you don’t want to do what he wants. That’s his problem, and if he’s so keen on doing it he should find a woman who also wants to.

He sounds like a manipulative abusive fuck tbh. The old ‘everybody else likes it’ phrase is absolutely manipulation. Firstly how does he know everybody else likes it? Is he sure all the other women he’s been with like it? Lots of women fake for a start, which I really wish they wouldn’t do because it gives useless blokes a sense of their own sexual prowess they don’t deserve. It does nobody any favours whatsoever. But so what if everyone else on the planet likes it? You don’t, and he shouldn’t be coercing you into doing it.

He sounds like a dick. Honestly it sounds like he’s doing you no good whatsoever. If you’re on here asking if you should perform certain sex acts you don’t like then I’m afraid it leads me to no other conclusion.

OP sex is supposed to be pleasurable, for both partners.He wants you to engage in acts that he knows you don’t find pleasurable. Just think about that for a bit. I wouldn’t even ask my partner to do something she doesn’t like doing, because I want us both to be having a good time. I wouldn’t enjoy it if she wasn’t. He wants to enjoy sex acts in the knowledge that you aren’t. That is not the mark of a good lover, it isn’t even the mark of a good person. If he thinks he can somehow change your mind with his magical sexual prowess then he should go fuck himself. He shouldn’t need a body to fuck if he’s that great.

As for him being a therapist, well, I do hope he doesn’t have female clients, or homosexual clients. He sounds like he advocates for conversion therapy, which is essentially what suggesting you get therapy is.He wants to convert you to satisfying his own dick. If he tries this kind of fuckery at work he should be struck off. Honestly if it was me I’d be tempted to report him to his governing body, because if he’s attempting to manipulate you into doing sex acts you have clearly stated you don’t want to engage in, god knows what he’s doing in his professional capacity.

if he had sex with you whilst you were in a hypomanic phase - what kind of therapist IS he?

Not only that but he encouraged her to have sex with other men in voyeuristic circumstances while op was in a hypomanic phase ... This guy really shouldn't be a therapist.

@Interestedwoman

Hi OP. I have read all your posts but not the replies as I don't want to be influenced by what anyone else says.

He is a therapist? Then he should be damned ashamed of himself. And I question his suitability not only as a sexual partner, but as a therapist.

The reason I say that, is because people who abuse others by coercion, and coercion USING his job to apply pressure to you, is highly abusive and shows a massive lack of respect for boundaries - both yours and his own professional ones.

Breaking it down:

1. Whether your increased libido is due to Bipolar, hormones or speed eating oysters, you are allowed to do things then change your mind and not want to do them again. That's why giving consent for sex once doesn't mean that a person can't be raped later - consent is ongoing, fluid, and changes depending on the preferences of those involved.

1. So it isn't unreasonable to try things and then think "nah, don't fancy that" for whatever reason. Whether that's because you have come down from a high or have simply changed your mind - the reasons are irrelevant - it is always ok to decide you don't want to do something anymore.

1. Anyone who tries to push you into those activities at that point, is an arsehole with no respect for personal boundaries. That is bad enough in any partner. In a therapist - it's unconscionable.

1. Using his therapist background as a means of subtly trying to coerce you into these acts, is both seriously unprofessional (as in reportable levels of unprofessionalism) and highly highly abusive. He is using his profession as a means of trying to tip the balance of power from being a joint decision, to his own favour. Disgraceful.

1. The fact that I presume he knows that you have had MH issues, and he is insinuating that your refusal is connected (by recommending you have therapy) to those, is vile and also unprofessional.

1. NOONE should ever ever ever do a sexual activity that they need counselling to be able to consider. That is totally fucked up! It's effectively him saying "go and speak to some one who can make you question your own preferences and then you will feel silly and adventurous if you don't do those acts. Oh, and failure to do those acts will therefore mean that you are mentally unwell".

I actually feel sick at how twisted, conniving and gaslighting he is being towards you.

I dont have a very vanilla sex life. And I would be repulsed at trying to coerce a partner into taking part in sexual activities that didn't appeal to them. It goes against every ethic of consent. Coerced consent is NOT consent. It isn't enthusiastic.

If a women doesn't want sex with a man, we don't ship her off to therapy until she has brainwashed herself into being able to sleep with someone she finds repulsive. Likewise for individual sex acts!

I think you should run far and fast from this guy. He isn't a friend. He is absolutely sick. Warped and abusive.

This guy will fuck you up monumentally. He should be grateful you are even bothering to go near him, not bitching about what you won't do. If he is so focused on pleasing each other, why isn't he pleasing you by respecting you.

What an absolute cunt! This is total and utter sickening abuse - sexual, psychological and of his role. You have done nothing wrong at all. It isn't about your bipolar. It doesn't matter if you were high, low or otherwise when you did do some of the stuff. Changing your mind is not a mental health issue. Its a "being human and having preferences and agency over your own body and sexual preferences issue" I.e. - no fucking issue at all!

Apologies for the rant, but I am furious on your behalf. The man is a sick fuck.

Adding my voice to the chorus of disapproval for this horrible man. I don’t mean to sound patronising OP, but I’m worried for you.

Please speak at length with your own therapist about this relationship. It is deeply disturbing and unhealthy for you. The sleazy bastard has massively abused his position/lied and told you he’s a therapist to gain your trust, then completely taken advantage of your vulnerability and compromised mental state. He has done this knowingly. I find that deeply chilling and frightening.

There are plenty of decent men out there that will see you as a person not just a fucktoy.

OP, did he know you were hypomanic? If he did, then if you feel like it would help, you could always have a chat with rhe police about this. If he knew, then he also knew that you weren't consenting freely at those times.

I am so so sorry. Sending you enormous hugs. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever. None of it. He is a disgrace and it's a shame his professional body don't know about it.

Hi, thanks for your comments, all. We did have a disappointing meet on Sunday. He's my friend and I just wanted to chat to him, but he was mainly up for sex. I was horny to be fair.

When we were having/chatting about sex was when he was again like 'I really want to X' and 'If only you liked Y' and telling me I should try therapy for it again. I didn't do the things of course. Then at the end he didn't finish me off properly. He said he wouldn't use my wand toy on me, which |i am a bit dependent on. :) I don't think he meant it deliberately like this, but it was like I hadn't done what he wanted, so he wouldn't do what I wanted, if you see what I mean? He said sorry if the sex wasn't very good, he was just in a bad mood for various reasons and he emphasised that it was nothing I'd done. I did feel a bit like it was, though.

He often leaves me only slightly satisfied/still frustrated after sex due to him having little energy due to some health problems.

I bloody fancy him though.

I don't actually have a high enough libido to bother looking for a new lover. I can satisfy all my sexual needs by myself without the hassle. :) But I enjoy playing with him sometimes as I really fancy him and like him.

He did kind of know I was hypomanic at the time, but as he didn't know me well, he thought/tried to kid himself it was just my normal libido. I did say all the time about my (bad in some ways) encounters with other guys, that I was ridiculously horny due to my bipolar. That was the rough summer of 2018, followed by a rough Autumn when I was pretty up and down (partly due to some ways he rejected me) and in hospital.

He says that it's my responsibility to tell him when I'm hypomanic now. (!) Luckily, I do usually have a lot of insight into my condition.

I've told him at various times that I don't like a lot of sexual acts, which I was doing for quite a while without telling him I didn't 100% enjoy it. Some of the things (giving oral) I've gone back to and find ok, IDK what happened there.:)

He says he can only trust that I am telling the truth when I say I want to do something these days. Which is fair enough, and I should tell him to stop with the wheedling.

So you plan to continue to see this manipulative, abusive ass, then?

Why do you bother being FWB when it only benefits him?

Well this was a total waste of everyone's time then

@ShatnersWig Aw, not at all. I'll tell him to stop it next time he does any of the attempts to wheedle for stuff he knows I'm not into.

Well this was a total waste of everyone's time then

Cracking attitude

Abuse of his professional standing..

Knowing your hypo state allows you to lower your guard as regards sexual conduct.

Is now trying to cause another hypo, to further his agenda by continuously pushing your boundaries. Please tread carefully lovely, Ide be surprised if your therapist didn't offer to report him for you.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

Your lover doesn't respect your boundaries, which is worrying, both for you as his lover and for his clients as vulnerable people seeing a therapist.

Btw I have a friend who is the most sexually liberated and adventurous person I know. She HATES receiving oral sex and doesn't do it. I'm pretty sure that if somebody like her can say no it's not for me, than it's definitely something that people can just not enjoy.

Any why is he allowed to tell you that you can't tell your best mate that you're shagging him?! Why is he allowed boundaries that are red flags and you are not allowed healthy normal ones

Honestly I get the appeal of a fwb, I'm constantly tempted to message my ex for it at the moment, but there are better men than this one to shag.

I'll tell him to stop it next time

If 'no' doesn't work then 'stop it' won't work either

I get what you all mean as he did realise I was hypomanic, and I can understand why you all think he shouldn'tve been sexually involved with me then.

I don't think it's reportable to his professional body, as I wasn't a client. I do like him/want to keep him as a friend, so I wouldn't report him. Have never thought of it before, but get your point.

Wait, I just saw your latest post.
I hope that the day that you look back on this and realise he's a manipulative arsehole is really soon.

Raise your standards - for your friends as well as your loversx

he’s a therapist so he should know better than to try and coerce you into doing something he knows you’re not comfortable with.
FWB more like
Friends For His Own Benefit.

Op, he's not a good man.

A good man doesn't exploit his friend's hypomania. A therapist certainly shouldn't. (What sort of therapist is he?! I'm hoping for some sort of practitioner of woo not a MH specialist.)

A good man hears a no and doesn't continue to push for sexual acts his partner doesn't want.

He's not really a friend to you. He's after what he can get.

I mean this kindly OP but take the blinkers off. This is not a nice man. The way he treats you is not good for anyones mental health, never mind the fact you have bipolar.
If you had a daughter who was treated the way this man treats you would you be happy for her? If you want to have a happy and healthy life, have a serious think about whether having this 'man' in your life will help you achieve that.