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Relationship issues

(345 Posts)
FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:45:16

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:45:39

Any thoughts?

Elmer83 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:51:54

You deserve to be with someone who loves you. I know you want to keep the family together but this isn’t fair on you at all. Leave him and give yourself the chance of happiness xx

GoodnightJude1 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:55:19

Having it all ‘on paper’ isn’t really enough though is it?
Do you not feel like you deserve a husband who hasn’t obviously checked out of the marriage?
Would you not rather be with someone that wanted you and only you?
Do you not think your children will notice lack of affection/distance between you? It’s not all about arguing in front of them.

3rdchristmaslucky Tue 14-Jan-20 14:58:14

Lady, if he's done it once and you're convinced he's doing it again then just leave. Cut your losses and save your kids the drama.
Not arguing Infront of them doesn't mean you're saving them. Do you want your children to see you accept a miserable marriage? Is that what you want for them?

Don't get him in trouble at work. You'll need him to be well paid when he has to pay maintenance. Walk away with your dignity and his money.

Shoxfordian Tue 14-Jan-20 14:59:28

Divorce him
He's cheating on you

Chamomileteaplease Tue 14-Jan-20 15:05:35

Just because you aren't arguing in front of the kids doesn't mean that they won't feel the horrible atmosphere and see the shit way he is treating you.

No, I don't think you should tell his work - what if he loses his job and your finances are up shit creek?

I don't know why you consider it any of your business. Your marriage is dead surely?

See a solicitor, see how things could pan out and ask him to leave. Your kids will surely be happier in a happier house.

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:09:56

I am not sure the 5 and 3 year old know any different at the moment but that won’t last I am sure. We still have family days out regularly which go just fine. My mum doesn’t know all the issues but says it may all change when the kids are older and he can enjoy being with them.
If he wants to go I think it should be his doing.
The issue is that I will move away, so they will need to change schools etc. Doable but they love their current one....and their dad.

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:10:29

Also, what do people think about exposing his work ‘affair’ to his team / bosses?

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:12:08

He earns loads and the kids are happy with me and their nanny. They are used to him travelling a lot. They also love the house, which we would have to sell.

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:12:42

I guess I see lots of examples of where people have sorted out these issues and I don’t want to be the one to give up!

3rdchristmaslucky Tue 14-Jan-20 15:15:03

Well don't move. Don't compromise on the kids happiness. Keep the house. Send him away.

Doing it for the kids never works.

Waxonwaxoff0 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:16:06

No it is not "best for the kids" to stay in a bad relationship. That's a really outdated view, 50% of all children have divorced parents and they manage fine.

He is disrespecting you and you don't have to put up with it.

SueEllenMishke Tue 14-Jan-20 15:17:30

Life is too short to be married to someone who doesn't love you.
Is this sort of relationship your want to model to your kids?

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:19:09

I would have to move - we would need to sell the house, and I would want the girls closer to my family, and their cousins who they are very close to on my side. His parents know about the previous issue and I am pretty sure they will not speak to him again when they find out. They also have a friend where the kids refuse to see their dad after he left (1 year older) - there is a high chance that would happen too, and I don’t think that will be good for anyone.....

Sunsetsandmoons Tue 14-Jan-20 15:19:52

You want to stay together but you want to tell his bosses he is having an affair? How does that work?

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:20:10

So no one thinks expose him as a cheater at work?

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:22:11

His mum is convinced he’s suffering from depression / midlife crisis as they have a family history or mental health issues. BTW he comes from a very normal and loving family, as do I do drama is alien to me!

olivertwistwantsmore Tue 14-Jan-20 15:22:21

Don't contact his work! You will look crazy and you have no proof.

Sort it out between you.

What do you mean he struggles for a connection with the dc? Is he a good dad? Does he look after them?

If he's been unfaithful and you think he's at it again, you have no relationship. Time for it to end.

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:22:36

I want the woman he’s texting to know I know....

YasssKween Tue 14-Jan-20 15:23:15

Also, what do people think about exposing his work ‘affair’ to his team / bosses?

Ridiculous thing to do.

What outcome do you want from that?

Risking his job security and therefore your children's financial security?

This relationship is over. On paper means nothing once trust and respect is gone.

He doesn't seem to want you and you seem to subconsciously want to trip him up to prove to yourself he's the bad guy.

You already know he's behaved badly. He had an affair. And now he clearly isn't willing to do what it takes to repair a relationship post affair.

You really need to get your head around the fact this relationship is over and you will need to be healthy coparents to your children.

That is so much better for them than living with two parents who are in such an unhealthy relationship.

SueEllenMishke Tue 14-Jan-20 15:24:06

Just walk away ....seriously.

YasssKween Tue 14-Jan-20 15:26:26

You say

I am not sure the 5 and 3 year old know any different at the moment but that won’t last I am sure.

But also say

They also have a friend where the kids refuse to see their dad after he left (1 year older) - there is a high chance that would happen too

So you think the kids don't notice they're in a toxic environment now because they're too young, but in a year may be old enough to decide never to see their father again?

It will be up to both of you to healthily coparent if he leaves, facilitating healthy relationships between the kids and both of you in order to help them become well adjusted adults.

They need to know they are loved and wanted, that doesn't require you two being a couple as long as you put them first.

FMO1976 Tue 14-Jan-20 15:26:52

He works really hard and is very successful. He’s never out boozing, socialising etc. He desperately wants to be a good day (he has a brilliant relationship with his parents) but he just doesn’t seem to relate to the children. He is upset that he doesn’t find pleasure in their pleasure. He finds spending time with them very hard work, but has / does try. He also has a long commute to work which means when he finishes c.8pm he can’t be bothered to travel 2 hours home to get up again at 6am and do it again!

chocolateandpinkgin Tue 14-Jan-20 15:27:02

He's cheated on you before and you believe he is again. So why do you think it's best to stay with him? That horrible unsure feeling you have right now - do you want that permanently?

You may think the kids don't notice but trust me, they do. If you can't do this for you, do it for them. Show them that it's OK to not accept this kind of treatment and behaviour.

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