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Original poster

Relationship issues

344 replies

FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 14:45

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 14/01/2020 16:21

He's not got 'depression' Hmm he's got 'oh no my cock fell into another woman'

He's a prick, leave him.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:21

Anyway, we have a full weekend of family fun planned when he’s back from Africa at the weekend - just be good if he could find it in himself to discuss rather than just saying he needs time and will be spending the rest of his life reflecting as this isn’t what he wants.

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:24

I think he’s just put his head in the sand and wants is all to go away.....i find it odd that he’s happy to put the kids in the gym crèche (which admittedly they liked last weekend) for 2 hours on a Saturday so that he can work out. I would want to see the kids. But maybe I am the odd one out here....!

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ClaireT1308 · 14/01/2020 16:24

How about doing what YOU want for once?!

At this point I wouldn’t care less what he wants, a weekend of family fun?

This is insane - you need a solicitors appointment not a weekend of family fun

unbaffled · 14/01/2020 16:24

Don't bother telling his work. They will know already, people aren't daft.

Your posts are all about how he thinks and how he feels - read your own comments again and you will realise that you are concentrating on him and not yourself and your children. He has checked out of family life, and doesn't care about any of you. The only thing he seems to care about is his dad telling him off!

How do you feel? What do you want? What would really be best for the children?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:27

He has loads of money - if he wants out why doesn’t he just go then?

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DiscontinuedModelHusband · 14/01/2020 16:27

sounds like excuses to me.

if you really want to enjoy time with your children, you put the effort in to find something you both have an interest in.

if it's sports or music, 5 years old is old enough to start whatever - he could get involved with coaching/teaching as well.

if he's as successful at work as you are making out, he already knows how to develop and maintain mutually beneficial relationships - that it requires give as well as take.

it honestly sounds more like he's preemptively preparing you for an "i'm off, this isn't really what i want" at some point in your future.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:28

I don’t think many marriages are Instagram perfect with 2 kids less than 2 years apart, and we still have a laugh together it’s just not loving.....

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:28

Every weekend we have family fun!

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:29

He has said everything would be good if we hadn’t had kids loads of times.....

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:31

What I want is for us to have an relationship which works for everyone - if i have to be home alone while he’s away then maybe I need to suck that up, and put the kids first as they are honestly super happy, albeit mainly through the efforts of me and our nanny. They do say they love their daddy too.....

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:31

I guess I knew I was marrying a workaholic!

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:33

It’s stupid as a month ago things were as good as they have been for ages....

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:33

Maybe I just want someone more involved in the family, whereas he says loads of careers mean the dad is pretty absent. And that’s what has caused the resentment

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:37

He definitely doesn’t like family life, and wants to have more fun!

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Pieceofpurplesky · 14/01/2020 16:41

So he wants the kids to wheel out at family events, you to be a stay at home mum whilst he travels the world having fun with other women?

Woman up OP. Get your finances straight - decide what you want besides the perfect family as that is not going to last. He will meet someone one day who will be all that he is telling you that you are not. And will probably do the same to her (my ex did the same to his first wife and then to me (I was not the OW someone else was))

YasssKween · 14/01/2020 16:42

You're just having a conversation with yourself and ignoring anyone else's input, so might be better to speak to someone in real life. Or have an honest and open conversation with your husband. Neither of you are happy. If you want to spend decades more being unhappy then stay together. If not, you need to agree terms of a break up and coparent healthily.

Costacoffeeplease · 14/01/2020 16:50

I don’t really understand all your posts but neither of you are happy the way things are, so make your plans and leave, then he can text/flirt/fuck whoever he wants, sounds like he’s doing that already

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:55

I am listening - you’re right we are both miserable. The issue is the kids are very very happy at the moment and neither of us want to upset their happy world. And regardless of how well planned a divorce is, it will. They will spend 1.5 hours on a Sat and Sun being driven to London / back home again. Not to mention their social scene which will be ruined. No one wants that.

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:56

We have both probably checked out - we are just hoping that somehow we can check in again and have the happy family life we both expected.

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 16:57

In the long run I know it’s me that will come off best - although in the short term my life will be harder....

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rvby · 14/01/2020 16:58

You sound strange. Are you actually reading the posts here or just talking to yourself?

So no one thinks expose him as a cheater at work? No, ffs, have some dignity.

He doesn't like you or your children, so he's shagging someone else. You can't force him not to have affairs, if you want a faithful husband, leave him.

If you think your children should grow up around a man who doesn't like to spend time with them, then crack on. Sounds like you have it figured out. But don't delude yourself that he will suddenly stop having an affair somehow.

Anyway, if you did force him to stop seeing other women, he'd just be more miserable because then all he'd have in his life is you and his kids, who he doesn't like. How is that good for anyone?

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 14/01/2020 16:58

He has loads of money - if he wants out why doesn’t he just go then?

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

You want to be front and centre in his life but he sees you as merely pleasant background accessories to his life. He likes having you around so long as it doesn't impact him too much. He wants you to stop trying muscle into the front and go back to being a nice quiet background accessory. All his reactions scream this. Can't you see it?

ClaireT1308 · 14/01/2020 16:58

So let them grow up thinking this is how relationships are?! You are both in denial!

Fast forward ten years when he ups and leaves you and imagine the fallout with teenagers!

You are not listening, if you think kids can be happy with this dysfunctional parent relationship as an example you are kidding yourself. They will grow up and they will notice!

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:01

We both know it has to be fixed one way or another. He says if we spend time together we may be able to fix it but then his crazy work schedule prevents that happening.....

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