Relationship issues

[FMO1976]

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

I guess only he can answer that.

If he could, I doubt we would be in this mess

But his inability to bond with his children isn't the only issue. He had an affair and is possibly doing it again.
He sounds like a deeply selfish man

All your one liner answers point to a single thing that you don't seem to be able to connect to:

He doesn't like being around you and your children. He's fucking someone else and doesn't want to stop.

It doesn't matter why. It literally doesn't matter why at all. You can't fix it, he can't fix it, it's not something that is fixable, he has tried to fix it apparently and yet here we are.

If you want to stay with him, do. Make sure you save diligently for your children's therapy.

If you don't want to stay with him, then get legal advice and go from there.

Going in circles here won't help you.

So what your teaching your kids is it's ok to be treated like this?! Is that really the example you wan to set? Or do you want to show them what you do when someone behaves like this and show them the door and walk away from a bad situation?

Your son sends him messages and he doesn’t reply? Really? Ffs what a shit he is

The affair was quite short lived, and attributed to his lack of enjoyment of live. Selfish as he clearly treated the OW with no respect either

I get the point re showing them a good relationship - but they think we have one. They like spending time as a 4 at the weekend. We literally only do stuff for them so they don’t see the issue. He’s not here to see them in the week, and at the weekends things probably look fine. We take them out, do kids stuff together all weekend. They won’t have much of a clue as not many people walk about holding hands with young kids and we do speak.....

I wouldn't care how long the affair lasted. I divorced my ex due to a one night stand.
Men who love and respect their wives do not sleep with other women full stop.

It’s all messed up, and it’s all messed up due to him and his weird behaviour of that I agree

Or maybe I want him to be more like my dad - but the trade off is more money....

@CosmoK

Did you have kids and did you regret it?

It's healthy for kids to see their parents do things as a couple. That's the example to set. My 5 year old understands that occasionally mummy and daddy do things together which don't involve him. He sees us kissing, cuddling and laughing together.

You’re in denial about what you’ll be showing your DC.

Your thinking seems all over the place. Forget seeking to “expose” him. He cheated before and is highly likely to be doing that again. Is treating you badly in other ways, in addition, and is a shit parent.

Suggest counselling (alone) and legal advice, and planning to leave.

Your mum (especially) and your H’s mum sound like poor advisers!

No we didn't have kids but we'd been together 13 years. I don't regret it for a second.
He was also a deeply selfish man.im much happier with someone who treats me as his equal.

He hasn’t ended your relationship ( yet ) because it suits him. He is a “facilitated man” and gets social approval for being a success at work, father etc, whilst doing none of the parenting or domestic work.

You will still be doing the facilitating when he cheats on you again, and once you’re divorced and he’s doing what he likes, rarely seeing his DC and quibbling over maintenance.

You don’t both need to see the head at the DCs’ school in order to leave. If private school won’t be affordable after your divorce, without your ex’s goodwill, best move the DC now while they’re small. It could become a barrier to you leaving DH and presumably you’ll have the resources to move close by popular schools.

You deserve better than that. You are worth so much more than that.
Your kids will feel better if there mum is happier. You think your kids don't know. They will. My dad was the same. In the end at 11 I asked my mum to ask my dad to leave .She tried to hid it well. But I thought she deserved to be treated better and have a lovely life.
He left and I've not seen him since and have never wanted to. My mum met someone new and I have a sister. I adore her. I'm so glad my mum did what I asked. X

Of course a five year old isn’t going to know, but they are going to grow up and notice how unhappy you both are. Is this really the kind of relationship you would want your daughter to have? Because that is what you are teaching her.

Sounds like you are pretty bothered about keeping up appearances.

I don't understand why you want or expect him to end it. Cant you see how much more degrading and humiliating it is to wait until he is so bored he finally decides to go? Also you seem really obsessed with the idea that happy families are this 1950s nuclear thing. Im a single mum and were a million times happier. Its not remotely unusual. Also, kids don't give a crap about how big and fancy your house is. It's only adults who care. You seem to be making tons of excuses when, in fact, you'd be better off facing some brutal truths (instead of obsessing over small details about what he does at the gym). Sorry if that sounds harsh. But some of your posts are weirdly jaunty. Are you very worried about public perceptions? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I agree with others that you need some counselling to unravel some of this stuff. You can't force a happy family. And also kids are not as blind and naive as you think. They pick up on everything. Even at a v young age. Please think about role modelling something stronger and more assertive to your kids. Doing this 'brushing under the carpet' thing us really damaging. Ultimately, you sound v confused and desperately trying to fit a square peg into a round hope. Or whatever the expression is. Whatever you decide, please do it with brutal honesty. And on your own terms too. Not just his.

I think all the comments are correct - although he’ll be here on Friday and the kids get to have a good weekend. His parents are coming on Sunday so we’ll see what he says to them then..... I have no doubt that he’ll have very minimal involvement with them if and when we split. He’ll be c.80 miles away and busy. Maybe only when it’s gone and he returns to an empty house every night will he realise what he’s lost.....anyway won’t be having any fling this week as he’s now flying from ME to Greece rather than to London to arrive on Thursday which was the plan!!

I reckon he’ll realise that work and gym don’t give you a fulfilling live - he won’t have more kids for sure so that may rule out younger women and ones of his age are likely to have kids!!

I do find it weird his parents don’t ever say anything about his excessive travel, asking only about the market / economy. When he had his affair they very clearly sided with me - as he knew

You need some therapy to put it bluntly. Not once in the above have you mentioned yourself or your kids future. Pull your head out of his ass and raise your standards for yourself

Your DC has already picked up on things not being right though, hasn't he. He's told you his dad is 'lazy'. How long do you think it'll be before he realizes that his dad isn't interested in him if he keeps rejecting his text messages? That's just sad op.
You seem more interested in keeping up appearances then anything else and are completely in denial about the situation.

I know it's hard at this stage, but as others have said it's almost as though you have lost your personality and are constantly thinking about him. If I do x, he will think or feel y. What about YOU. Fuck what he thinks. He us an adult. Screw him and who cares if he has regrets (Or not). I know you aren't at that stage of thinking yet. But it feels like you are living through him and not on your own terms. Guess what
You matter. Yes! Shock horror! I'd feel much less worried if you sounded angry and hurt. Yes, those feelings are painful. But they show that you matter. You exist. You have feelings. Take stock. And I hope you feel angry soon. I mean that in the nicest possible way.