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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship issues

344 replies

FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 14:45

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:01

And also neither of us probably want to spend time together....

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:02

If I am honest, at the moment he sees me more as an au pair than a wife.....someone to look after the kids while they are small as he doesn’t want to

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 14/01/2020 17:03

You both have to be equally invested in the relationship to even have a chance of fixing it. If he’s texting someone else then he’s not interested and never will be

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:03

And BTW - I am listening! Financially we will be fine either way, but not have house we currently have as it’s highly levered

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:04

In some ways I wish he was texting her more obviously rather than maybe once or twice a day - I doubt it’s more than that at the weekend as his phone is often on the side, albeit locked!

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 14/01/2020 17:06

For goodness sake - just end it!

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:06

He has said he wants it all to ‘go back to normal’ and if I take the sympathetic view I believe him. He has just said he’s numb to all feelings - at work, home, life in general etc. I don’t think it’s unique when people work so hard, reach a business pinnacle and realise they are still not happy and want the next thing

OP posts:
Charlottegemma · 14/01/2020 17:06

Hi I am new to this and don’t even know if this is the right place to write things!!!!
It’s about my partner I have been with him for 9 years and 3 children but he has changed.
He emotionally abuses me and mentally and I’m constantly being told I’m not good enough for anyone else if I am not w h him no one would want me and some of the things he calls me makes me feel so I’ll. I feel like I am stuck and don’t want to break my family up just feel like I’m at the end of my teather with everything.
Has anyone been through this and got any advice.
Thank you for reading.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:08

Why doesn’t he take the responsibility to end it? Tell the school (it’s private so we both have to meet the head), agree to put the house on the market etc. Instead he turns up here every weekend saying let’s have a good weekend....

OP posts:
ClaireT1308 · 14/01/2020 17:08

Don’t you care how much he has disrespected you? Raise the bar, have some dignity and leave!

Stop making excuses

ClaireT1308 · 14/01/2020 17:09

Because you are letting him have it both ways maybe? Duh

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:10

Is he getting it both ways working like a dog to earn the money? This is the issue I have - the affair be admitted aside, maybe my paranoia is making me leap to conclusions....

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:11

He definitely goes to some pretty rubbish places, lots of night flights etc.

OP posts:
ClaireT1308 · 14/01/2020 17:12

Lots of people work hard, I earn the money in our house, but I don’t disrespect my husband

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:13

The more school mums I speak to, the more I realise maybe dad getting home at 9pm and being left to solo parent is not that unusual.....then I start to wonder if maybe I was being unreasonable wanting him to do his share of childcare.

OP posts:
angelaEhen · 14/01/2020 17:13

Raise the bar

He doesn't care about you and the kids

It's all for show

Leave and be happy

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:13

mum* being left to solo parent I mean

OP posts:
ClaireT1308 · 14/01/2020 17:14

If that’s the life you want then power to you, you asked for advice and it’s pretty clear what people think

Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:15

I agree with Angela - it’s more that the kids care about him!! When he was less busy at work, WFH on Fridays and was more present for 2/3 months in the autumn things were good and he wasn’t sneaking about with his phone....

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:16

That said - I don’t think he’s a very nice man and it only truly interested in himself and progressing his job. Which may not be dissimilar from many of his colleagues who I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:16

BTW - I don’t disagree with any comments and appreciate them.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 17:22

Would anyone else find his need to go to the gym, leave the kids in crèche if not seen them all week weird? Along with never missing them when on work trips?

OP posts:
YasssKween · 14/01/2020 17:23

Why would you want your children to grow up being around a "not very nice man" (in your words) who gets no pleasure from them and doesn't enjoy their company?

Is that what you want to teach your children is normal in a family?

You sound very young and very naive. Marriages don't always work out, it's shit but it's life. You're in a much better position than most, saying you don't need to worry about finances even if you split.

Take control of your life, and your children's future, and make a decision. You don't need him to initiate a break up.

Therebythedoor · 14/01/2020 17:24

*Charlottegemma
You need to start your own thread. Your post won't get the attention it deserves with your query stuck in the middle of this established thread!

angelaEhen · 14/01/2020 17:24

It you leave you will be happy and the kids will pick up on it and be even happier.

I bet it would have little impact on them as he doesn't pay them attention anyway

You only get one life don't waste it being miserable the kids won't thank you for it