Relationship issues

[FMO1976]

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

You are not unreasonable for making him do his fair share of childcare. He's unreasonable for checking out of bring a husband and parent.

Would anyone else find his need to go to the gym, leave the kids in crèche if not seen them all week weird? Along with never missing them when on work trips?

Yes it's weird. Obviously, because most people want to spend time with their kids.

It doesn't matter if it's weird or not though, he has outright told you that doesn't enjoy their company. He doesn't enjoy being a dad. He doesn't want to make time for them above all else.

It's up to you to keep maintaining this situation or take control.

He doesn't want what you want. He doesn't want to be who you want him to be. That's it.

Your gym query is totally irrelevant considering all the problems you have. But yes I wouldn’t feel the same about my husband if he didn’t show total care and dedication to our children. Not missing them shows how little he really cares about you all

Would anyone else find his need to go to the gym, leave the kids in crèche if not seen them all week weird? Along with never missing them when on work trips? No... of course it isn't weird. he's already told you he doesn't like being around them. Why can you not take him at his word? Plenty of people can't stand children, plenty of people abuse their own children... he doesn't like being with his children, you already know that.

Also I'm not sure you know how this forum works. It's not a chat forum. You're not supposed to post multiple one-line posts. You're meant to read, think, and then write a post that folk can see several thoughts in one go. The way you're posting now makes it look like you are talking to yourself. We can't filter the thread to look at your posts only, the way you're posting makes it extremely difficult to actually advise you and keep up with all your scattered one line comments...

My apologies - I have never posted on a forum like this before. I’ll reflect and come back properly.

Divorce him for adultery and name her as the other woman

I think you’re right, he definitely doesn’t like being a dad - I guess I hope that in time he will. Otherwise his weekends with them will be a short lived thing - as I fear they may anyway given all the parties, that he’ll be living c1.5 hour drive away, his work etc.

You’re right though - the kids probably wouldn’t really notice his absence, but clearly would with all the upheaval that would result.

However, given I know he paid a lot of money to see a private counsellor to try and figure out why he doesn’t enjoy his children then i don’t want to dismiss it. He gets upset when admitting he doesn’t enjoy being a dad. This is not to pander to him, rather try and help as we know a happy family works best. He wanted to be a dad (we are not young / naive).

I guess I am bored of reflecting, and want to get on with my life but also don’t want to be responsible for upsetting the kids applecart....

And finally, our eldest is now into sending him messages - guess it tells it’s own story that he never bothers to reply as he wants space! And he’s definitely not with OW in Africa!

You are not responsible for upsetting anything. He is.

And many men, I am told, don’t always find much to enjoy with small kids.

Maybe I am deluded or life’s perennial optimist, but either we’ll be working on things together come next week, or he’ll be out!!

Do any of you have husbands with big jobs? None of his colleagues have working wives - I wonder if it’s this decision which has caused all the issues.....albeit contributed well to our finances.....

Life is short, but I feel terrible our 3 year old will have to love her whole life as a kid of divorced parents. I know no one who is divorced, neither does my husband and neither do the kids! It’s all very sad for everyone involved - grandparents down to the kids.

rvby you can highlight the OPs posts so they stand out. You said everything I was going to! Even with OPs 1 sentence replies to nothing highlighted it’s still a shitshow of a thread.

I was going to write a reply to OP but can see it’d be a waste of time.

OP - sorry if this has already been asked and I missed it but....

Have you had any counselling?

It seems to me you desperately need it.

You are all over the place and clearly don't know your own mind, let alone being able to connect with and handle your emotions.

I also wonder what kind of family you grew up in, seeing that you would even consider staying in this dysfunctional marriage.

Yes my DH has a big job but I still work full time. He earns twice my wage but is an active, involved parent who does his fair share of pick ups and drop offs email. He doesn't work late as a default but when he needs to it's negotiated with me and he drafts his parents if necessary.

He'd loved being a dad since day one.

Etc... Not email

We did one joint session with the counsellor my husbands’ recommended.... I had a very very happy childhood with my mum and dad - they did everything for my sister and I. Weirdly my husband and his brother and sister also had a great childhood with his parents, grandparents. This is why we are finding it hard as we would both like our kids to have the same as we had, even if we have to be less than happy...

I think the issue is I get 6 figures and he gets 6 times that at least. If a client wants something be leaps into action regardless of the personal cost. Explains his success and he’s not unique . But makes it hard in a less than rock steady relationship.

And every discussion about what next ends with him asking me ‘what do I think we should do’

Happy parents = happy kids.
You can only fake it for so long

How do I highlight what I am replying to?

Either @ them or put * before and after the name

And what’s wrong with his mental make up to mean despite best efforts he doesn’t miss / want to be with his kids?

You can copy and paste the text and then put * * around it. Or use the italic/bold button next to the smiley.