Relationship issues

[FMO1976]

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

@Waxonwaxoff0

It’s not an excuse - more a reason. Clearly he’s not wired in the way most people, where even if a relationship breaks down / isn’t going to plan you cheat, lie, disappear and have no regard for the children

Why do you think your DH or you for that matter are any different to the majority of people out there?

He's not wired the same? Do me a favour! He's just like hundreds of others out there - a liar and a cheat. A man who wants the wife at home bringing up the kids while he does what the fuck he likes! He's not special at all.

He’s certainly not special. I guess I hoped he would have been a better father when I married him. Alas

The weird thing is that he spends time with them at the weekend - it’s just done in such a begrudging and miserable way. He’ll never initiate anything, have a conversation with them, try and teach them anything etc. It’s not like he’s on computer games, watching TV etc..

The weird thing is that he spends time with them at the weekend - it’s just done in such a begrudging and miserable way. He’ll never initiate anything, have a conversation with them, try and teach them anything etc. It’s not like he’s on computer games, watching TV etc..

WHY ARE YOU MARRIED TO HIM THEN

And he’s now just told me he’s going to be late home to take over from nanny, but has confirmed he is taking over. There is something wrong with him

Looks like I’ll have to cancel my plans again. Maybe if he had got on with his work yesterday rather than sh@g about....

Will be the same no doubt when he’s moved out and he is due to come and collect the kids

So divorce him. The kids will be better off without him if he's so unbothered about them.

Stop obsessing him and the OW, focus on YOU and being the best mother you can be to your children. They will know who was there for them when they are adults. I had a useless father but my wonderful mother made up for it. I am NC with my dad now and my mum is my best friend.

@Waxonwaxoff0

Hopefully there will be another person for them to have as a father figure!

Omg you don't actually think he'll put any effort on seeing them if you separate? He can't even be arsed with them when you're together! Seriously you're a strange one OP

Is there any love or affection between you? Only, like someone else said, you come across quite cold and detached. I've never known anyone to be more annoyed that their husband shagging around is taking time away from kids, rather than, you know, breaking the vows of marriage, showing the upmost disrespect to your partner...

I have accepted it - they are too young - they need more

Hi @FMO1976 yes I do and they were very damaged by it all:

firstly, because he was so mean and cruel to me and secondly, because I screamed and shouted so much.

We did get divorced in the end. And Mumsnet shouted at me just as much as they are shouting at you. I do get your sunk costs ....

I caught him with OW yet again and a voice in my head said 'if you continue to stay, you are now an active participant in your own abuse'.

And I pulled the plug even though he did not want to get divorced.

They are just selfish, OP. However, I am not guiltless. I wish I had given clear self respecting boundaries instead of screaming and whining and trying to 'get him to' change. Complete waste of time.

By the way: OW is irrelevant. I got told that by the therapist and it panned out like that.

They are just people that make them feel good at the time. They are also being used, exploited and manipulated by these emotionally immature shallow, unconnected people.

The difference between OW and me (both used exploited and manipulated) is that they KNEW he was married. And that? Is the one nasty thing are responsible for their poor character, assisting in destroying families. Especially as they are allowing themselves to be exploited and demeaned. As he said: if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. I don't know how anyone can knowingly allow themselves to be used like that.

@ScreamingLadySutch

Thanks

@rvby

He’s the kids dad. Hopefully he’ll change. I am getting less sure by the day.

Time will tell!

My take is this OP, if there is plenty of cash to go around, separate amicably , sell up, rent and stay in same area (better for kids stability) and stay friends and keep your dignity — I think you probably make good friends but piss poor partners, you have by the sounds of it married a go getting playboy. If the nanny’s and stuff have to go then so be it- hardly the end of the world, at the moment it may be ok for the kids but you will end up a damaged nervous wreck and probably get dumped at some point anyway— get it under control on your terms and to suit you.

I think I would move out and rent and he would stay in the current family house until it sells which is likely to take 12 months.....I don’t want to or twice....into rented and then down south which is definitely where I would go.