Relationship issues

[FMO1976]

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

You're essentially forcing him to have a relationship with his kids by refusing to leave him because you know that if you did, they'd never see him again. Do you think that's fair on them? Or you?

@LajesticVantrashell

I was thinking about this today and that’s what I was thinking I seem to be doing sub consciously - guess I live in hope that at some point he’ll realise what he stands to loose. He did say that seeing them sat lunchtime to sun lunchtime every other week would be plenty - I would think most educated, good dads would want a bit more involvement

But in all honesty, I don't think he cares about losing them. A father who wants to see them for 24 hours (12 of which they'll be asleep) every 14 days is not a father who wants a relationship.

Tbh I'd prob stay whilst finish school as kids gna lose all their privileges and end up in council house or cheap house and a crap school. Stay til he leaves

Rubbish Missarad!

Sounds like he wont be a dick over money, just a dick in terms of his marriage vows and being a present father

Don’t know for sure. What’s sure is that he’s a terrible ‘family man’

Tbh I'd prob stay whilst finish school as kids gna lose all their privileges and end up in council house or cheap house and a crap school. Stay til he leaves

The OP earns six figures, I think they'll be ok...

OP has started a new thread to update.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3797279-Contact-from-the-other-woman

Wow this is terrible. You need to be your own person and not his shadow, OP.

If there were no children / extended family then I would never speak to him again. However, it’s not that simple or black and white sadly.

I am going to speak to the OW and am going to a hotel tonight for some time alone to reflect. I have a planned Sunday with some girlfriends so I am going to enjoy that too

I think what he can’t fathom is that cheating on me is denying the children time with their dad. Him staying in a hotel s@agging means he’s not being a dad to his kids. That said, I don’t think he cares deep down although wants the family man pretence.

He’s also smart so when he’s with my friends and family and their kids he’s the playful dad playing games etc.

Why talk to OW?! Pointless and demeaning.

He WON’T pay what he should when you split up. Don’t let your DCs’ education stability depend on his goodwill.

You could play the long game: stay married but relocate to where you want to live, enrol DC in state schools there. Then when you split you can say you’d been resident there for X time.

I need to map it all out - I can’t move out (unless I rent) until we have sold the house. Of course I can’t try and sell the house until he has signed to approve that.....we can’t put the house on the market without first telling parents, nanny etc. This is what he relied on last time round, and eventually ended his affair. This time it’s going to be more tricky as he works with her

I know this is not what you want to hear but you are delusional OP.

Why are you so hung up on staying with this pathetic excuse of a man? He cheats, he doesn't give a shit about you or children, he wants to live alone and fuck freely. Let him!

Honestly, you need to give your head a wobble. Stop clutching your pearls and WOMAN UP for fuck sake!

Why talk to the OW? Are you trying to get her to take him? Is that your plan for getting rid? It's not the worst plan tbh.

"He has loads of money - if he wants out why doesn’t he just go then?" - because, cake.

A strangely unemotional wife who has lost sight of him focusing on the children to the exclusion of their relationship but keeping everything going ....

and exciting new emotions

what's not to like?

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

I was told by relate that work is used to keep a distance and stay unattached.

I was married to a wealthy high earning workaholic that cheated and I am sympathetic to your not acting over this.
Divorce means a lot of loss. I lost so much.
Its a rock and a hard place. Stay humiliated and unloved in a good lifestyle, or have your pride and live alone in much smaller circumstance (I am not interested in a relationship).

Either way, the pain of being married to someone who cannot bond and who is selfish cannot be avoided OP.

"I guess the way he treated his first affair victim ... says something about him.....use her when he was depressed to boost his ego."

Are you married to my ex?

I think you are both depressed. As the one person here who supports you in your determination to stay married (divorce DOES NOT solve everything),

I think you could very definitely do with some therapy, and hope that he joins you in some joint counselling.

@screamingladysutch

Did you have children?

@screamingladysutch

He was definitely depressed - he was in an extremely stressful situation at work and refused to see, respond to his family, friends etc. He slept all the time. I think he thought an affair would boost his morale - be the fun, that he craves. He since acknowledged it didn’t work and it was the wrong thing to do. I can’t believe we are here again. His life is just about to get way more stressful if we divorce, he tries to keep a relationship going with this woman, he’ll get a lot of criticism at work for sure.

@screamingladysutch

Did you divorce him in the end then?

Are you being passive aggressive thinking about the work expose thing? So he doesnt entirely get away with it!

I think it would be better for the children if you parted company and co parented. He is obviously not a family man with you and the children you have together.

Also you could end up getting a STD.

Please dont believe any rubbish about being depressed being the cause of the philandering ... and please dont feel guilty if/when you do leave, his depression puts in a nice big conveniently timed appearance.

Please start gathering information about bank accounts and key documentation so if/when you do leave, he doesnt overcome his depression and become v cynical and clinical in ferreting away resources so as to lower maintenance.

Good luck. You are worth more than this.

Stop making excuses for him with this 'depression'. He's cheating on you quite openly and blatantly. He's rubbing your nose in his infidelity.

Have some dignity and divorce him.

Loads of people have depression and don't cheat on their partners. You're a mug if you accept that as an excuse.