Relationship issues

[FMO1976]

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

As someone whos parents stayed together for years for our sake, I can promise you it won’t end well. It only harbours resentment and kids notice way more than you think!

Find someone who loves and respects you and split now before it starts to effect your kids - and don’t do anything at work!

Sorry you are going through this!

It doesn’t help we work at the same place (but it’s very big).

I know you want to expose his behaviour, but I don’t think it will end well for either of you! I understand you want revenge in a way but better to walk away with your dignity, kids and his money!

There are 3 things you can do here

1. LTB - he’s a cheat and not a great father from the sounds of it. If you can leave you can move on and hopefully in future find someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated and provide your children a calm and happy home free of insecurities and suspicions.

2. Stay and turn a blind eye to his affairs and behaviour. Look out for yourself and your children financially by saving into a fund so that when he eventually meets someone he wants to leave you for, you and the children are not in financial dire straits.

3. Continue as you are, which is you constantly on edge and fretting about where his and what he is doing and who with. You can not make him be faithful, trustworthy or honest and catching him out won’t make it any better, he is not suddenly going to become any of those things just because he got caught. You’ll be miserable and so will he and the overwhelming likelihood is that he will leave at some point anyway by which time you will be older and so will your kids, and trust me when I say neither yourself or them will thank you for staying.

It’s shit, of course it is but it’s also an opportunity to take charge of your life and change it for the better.

People can sort out these issues IF both parties work together and want to.

Let’s face it, he doesn’t want to. He has checked out of your marriage but doesn’t have the balls to tell you he wants a divorce.

It doesn’t help we work at the same place (but it’s very big)

That's even worse! How bloody disrespectful.

Do you think you can work-shame him into not having any more affairs with colleagues? Or do you want him done by HR for sexual harrassment?

Look, he wants to have extra marital nookie, you want to stay married anyway. Have the open marriage conversation. See what terms are acceptable to you both so you can decide if you can both be happy under such an arrangement. Open secret between you isn't working too well at the moment so stop that.

OP you are displaying some disturbing behaviour here. You seem to want to gain control of the situation by damaging his career.
You've identified him as a weak man potentially suffering from M/H but only seem interested in gaining the upper hand.

You ok, Hun?

"He just doesn't seem to relate to the children"
"I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together"

OP, you really don't have it all on paper. He's potentially already cheating again, which means he's going to leave again, and the more confused and upset your children are going to be. You're not showing your girls what a healthy happy relationship can look like – my parents didn't either and it really screwed up my perception of what a relationship should be like. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and paranoia. Please don't expose his affair either, it will do you no good but if it screws his reputation or he is let go, then where is the money going to come from?

Please leave him. Set a good example for your children and show them just how strong their mum is. You deserve so much better. It might improve their relationship with him too, as he'll come to appreciate the time he has with them so much more.

You aren't making a whole lot of sense.

I don't get what you're saying.
You want to expose him.
But you want it to work.
You don't think he is good with your kids.
But you do think he is a good father.
You think his bosses should know what he's done even though it's not related to his work performance.
But you think he works really hard and is great at his job.
Etc etc

You're not making any sense or addressing anything people are saying really, just repeating one question (re telling his work) asking for people to agree with you.

More broadly we both want the children to grow up in a happy home, like we both did, but we can’t see how to make that happen. The love has gone for sure. I am frustrated (but don’t regret) that I gave up my career I really enjoyed for the children and didn’t feel appreciated. He said we could have had more nannies, both worked, and gets frustrated at me as he says I can’t make my mind up. He gets annoyed I give our nanny time off when I am off as he thinks I should use that time to ‘have fun’ as he can’t see how being with the kids is that. Whereas I know the kids enjoy mummy time. He thinks if I gave up my job (highly paid, but boring) I could enjoy myself in the daytime and then be happier sat in on my own each night. It all seems like it should be easy to fix without turning the kids lives upside down for our happiness.....when you read on hear about drink, drugs etc....

It’s also not helped that I have no interest in TV, and enjoy playing sports which happens in the evenings

He’s not a bad father in the sense that he spends all his free time with the children, doesn’t go out with his mates, tries to put them to bed etc. It’s just that he gets no pleasure from it at all. He would like to but just doesn’t. He tries but finds it boring.....

I hear you re work....maybe it’s just texting but that’s wrong too! He sends his boarding passes when he goes away (even this week) and normally the hotel room too. His phones always locked but he’s not glued to it like he was when he had his affair......I am not sure he’d be stupid enough to have a physical affair since I know his team, have worked with them, they know me etc.

You can’t make that happen- it’s is not possible and I think you need to accept that.

The fundamentals of this relationship are so broken that childcare and hobbies are irrelevant at this point.

Focus on you and your happiness for once, your kids will thank you for it.

Sorry to sound harsh!

I think we screwed up when the kids were born by neglecting our relationship (which was great for 5 years pre kids) and he blames me for that as I didn’t want to leave the kids (my parents are older / further away to babysit) and his always busy....

Sounds to me you know you need to divorce but don't want the upheaval. He might solve the problem for you by going to live with one of the OW. Just get on with the divorce. The children will be fine. He might get closer to them as a result of having to do his 50% of the caring himself.

I don’t think either of us are happy with the situation we find ourselves in but can’t seem to find a way forward

He will hate the 50 per cent on his own bit.....

He also knows his parents will probably never speak to him again, as his dad was incandescent when he found out last time

Hi OP

I understand people wanting to stay together for the sake of the kids, if there is nothing really wrong.

But I think things are really wrong to the point of there not really being much of a relationship to save.

He stays in hotels, he has already cheated and doesnt seem to want to make amends for this or reassure you in any way. It comes across from what you've said that he had already checked out of the relationship.

And he is making an effort to spend time with his kids...but it shouldn't be an effort. Imagine how you would feel if you know someone was forcing themselves to spend time with you because it was the right thing to do, rather than they wanted to? They will be able to tell that he doesnt enjoy spending time with them and they will be able to tell he is avoiding you and they will be able to tell that you are both miserable.

I honestly dont think there is going to be any other option other than to end it. Unless you both want an open marriage or some similar arrangement.

I dont think he will enjoy it loads more when they are older, 5 is old enough to have some shared interests.

I don't think you should tell his work. If he gets sacked where does that leave you financially? He will leave you and you will be on your own with no maintenance. Also if you havent actually got any proof and they both deny it, you will just be accused of being unhinged / making up rumours about him. I think it will make you feel a bit better for about 5 mi yes but there arent any other upsides in what you're suggesting

It doesnt need to be 50 50 custody. You can work it around what works best for everyone (doesn't sound like he is around enough with his long hours to do 50pc anyway)

I wish that when he ‘came back’ 18 months ago that we had properly fixed things rather than use a sticking plaster. He says he wants to be trusted, and is going to travel less. He makes an effort, gets busy at work and then gets stressed, exhausted and the same things happen again. He is always snapping at his colleagues too!

He definitely will not want 50/50 custody. More like every other sat / sun but he doesn’t want to get to that so won’t discuss it....