Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

I've read all your threads but don't think I've ever commented. Just want to say I think you're amazing. No advice but will be continuing to follow your journey. You inspire me a little bit to be honest!

Lovely lovely messages, thank you all.

Re my email reply to exh who was asking for clarification and reconciliation, I agree with @SirChing

It wasn't as potentially antagonistic to the situation as ignoring it may have been

This was my psychologist's view way back before the summer- ignoring his emails just gives him fodder to wallow in victimhood or furl for his anger.

Not my responsibility either way of course, but we do have to interact regularly for the DC's sake and so it's best for everyone to avoid any misunderstandings that could create further tension.

NOT replying is exh's speciality when he's p*ed off, I agree it's actually very aggressive and leaves the other person hanging.

Be the better person I guess, at least you're doing your best in a tricky situation

Another long term lurker here - just wanted to say that you should be so, so proud of yourself - look at how far you’ve come for you AND your dc.

Happy New Year dear fabulous jamais ✨💖🌹💕

we do have to interact regularly for the DC's sake and so it's best for everyone to avoid any misunderstandings that could create further tension

Exactly. With some people, particularly narcissists or people with Emotionally Unstable or Borderline Dps, ignoring them is as much of a nuclear option as being hostile to them. They take it the same way and you get the same results. Which is very often a n escalation of behaviour until you DO feel forced to acknowledge them in some way.

That's not what you want when you have to have contact with him due to the kids. It's not pandering to him to reply, it's almost "playing" his narcissism to get the smoother, more peaceful relationship with him that you want.

I am do bloody impressed at how you have handled all this. You are so strong, even if you don't feel like it sometimes

Sorry for typos - fat fingers!

No matter how tempting it must have been, from what I gather, you have been the better person for the sake of the kids all the way through Jamais. What a star!

Wishing you all the best for the coming year Jamais.

Stay strong ... I'm doing the two year thing by choice but getting to the stage I just want to divorce ... the waiting is hard. (We are very amicable but I'm just ready). I feel bad for you it's so hard

You are doing soooo well, which in itself will be pissing him off

Good point about the email. Tempting as it might have been, to leave it unanswered.
Completely different scenario but I sent an email to someone, a while back, perfectly polite, and she never answered. And tbh, that kind of made me think she let herself down. She was a professional with whom I had been dealing, and I was temporarily stopping dealings with her.

Once again, I stress, that is completely different to your situation, and I think you handled things perfectly.

Re contact and interactions, yesterday I had the estate agent's visit to our family home for a valuation of the house.

I waited outside until the agent arrived and then went in with him.

It went fine, exH was very polite and didn't talk the house down (which was the point of me being there).

At the end though, he asked me to stay and chat with him.

I kind of scuttled off and said "no, I'm going". I wish I had been able to look him in the eye and say, "no, there's nothing to discuss", but I just left and said he could email me if he wanted.

My instinct was to run and not be alone with him even though he was being totally non-threatening. I also feared I would not be able to be cool and collected or would commit to something I hadn't run by my lawyer or which could be used against me.

I was pleased that afterwards I even laughed out loud in the car at his tone "right, jamais, come in, we are going to talk" like I was some kind of naughty teenager who needed straightening out.

I also managed to have fun with the kids last night and sleep reasonably well without going over and over things in my mind, despite an email from exH last night with some questions about finances and also asking me again if we can give it another go.

My mother is a tiny woman but there is no way I would be alone in a room with her.

I’m a grown woman with kids and the moment I am with her I am a ball of anxiety and a mess.

After 20 years of training it is no wonder you felt that way. They best bit is is that you didn’t obey. Nope. You were out of there.

Well done.

he in all seriousness asked you to give it another go

So clearly still utterly delusional!

Yes, but you are looking younger & healthier, he admires the new relaxed you

Onwards and upwards Jamais! You may lose a minor battle along the way but you are winning the war; best wishes for 2020.

Holy fuckballs he’s deluded

After everything that has happened he really expects that you would consider giving it another go???

It’s yet another thing that you can file under “I did the right thing by getting out”

Jamais he still thinks he has the right to control you. When you wrote that he asked you to stay and chat, that sounded quite normal. When you wrote what he actually said though, "Right Jamais, come in, we are going to talk", the nature of the relationship as he sees it becomes quite clear.

Well done for refusing to play his nasty controlling game.

Be very pleased jamais. That's a giant step for womankind right there.

You did it. Amazing.

Walking away from him was a great step forward even if this first time it wasn't as polished as you might have wished.

It is so so hard to change our patterns of behaviour but there you are mastering it minute by minute, day by day, week by week. Bravo. The inner Alicia is now Jamais.

Oh well done!
He really is deluded.

feeling boosted by your comments even if I was un-Alicia like (The Good Wife reference for those who don't know) in the moment.

I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow so will talk to her about how best to respond to exH's pleas for us to re-commit etc. - without compromising our relationship as co-parents.

I have realised that I am still scared of "setting him off" because even though he is not in my life directly, as a co-parent his moods and attitudes towards me still do affect me and directly affect our kids.

Right now with financial negotiations underway plus the appeal hearing coming up, I want to maintain a cooperative atmosphere - he has stunningly offered to pay some maintenance for the period before the judge's decision (so May- end Sept) and to "discuss" arrangements over the furniture to make it equal.

I'm seeing my lawyer next week so won't commit to anything financially until then.

Oh yes, re the delusions, here's one part of what exH says in his email (translated) :

"Perhaps all the suffering and difficulties we each have been through this year have helped us focus on what a relationship should be about : mutual respect, tolerance and unconditional love."

And of course he plays the card of giving the kids a stable home.

I think you can provide all that on your own, to the kids.

I think you have to find acceptance that he'll never instant what you've done, remember in his mind everything was perfect as you'd adapted your life and responses so much for him.

Well you can agree wholeheartedly with all of that, and be glad for him that he has come to realise that you both deserve a relationship that could be described that way. Hence leaving the crappy one you were actually in to be free to find the relationship you actually want