Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

How ironic that he thinks that a home could ever be described as stable if he’s ever living in it....

Just what shows how far you have come is that you were confident in yourself to know the best way is to reply to his emails, although you shared it with us and we gave our opinions you do know how to handle his ridiculousness without inflaming the situation.

KOKO

It's almost unbelievable that he can think like that after everything that has happened. 'Let's go back to how we were'... with you making all the sacrifices, and generally making his life easy.
It's not surprising that you feel scared of setting him off. That was your default position during the marriage, and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel like that. I'm no expert but I think you did mention looking into PTSD, and that is what it sounds like to me.

It must have been tough too, being back in the house.

Well done on leaving immediately when he tried to get you to talk. Absolutely not! There was nothing wrong with how you exited, btw, and the important thing is, that you did exit!

Well done you.

Keep on keeping on Jamais. You're an inspiration.

It is so so hard to change our patterns of behaviour but there you are mastering it minute by minute, day by day, week by week. Bravo.

This inspires me!

He might play the card of giving the kids a stable home but their current situation versus what they were experiencing in the past (walking on eggshells) when you were together is a much healthier environment to be living in. There is stability in living apart but the children knowing that both their parents love them, but that it no longer suits both of their parents to be living together (if that makes sense).

You're doing a cracking job!

We all know that if you went back to him he would forget almost instantly the platitudes (about your relationship) that he has trotted out and your returning would give him confirmation that he is right and that his way is the right way!
You're doing great, Happy New Year!

Well done! Absolutely right to not stay and chat with him. You are doing wonderfully.

mutual respect, tolerance and unconditional love

This gets a massive eye roll. It's clear he means that YOU need to promote these qualities (ie tolerating and loving him no matter what) as he still can't accept that HE is the one who over and over refused to listen to you and ultimately destroyed your marriage.

Agree with pp about ignoring his comments about the kids. The kids are so much better off in a stable home with just you then dealing with all the negativity he brought into your lives

This gets a massive eye roll absolutely - just like his previous two mails where he talks about forgiveness - obviously he means he will magnanimously forgive me for all my faults, not me forgive him.

Considering how he never forgave me for the slightest thing during our long relationship (brought up old grudges years later) and sulked for days on end over imagined slights, and never ever ever said he was sorry, this is totally crazy and delusional.

The good thing for me is that we had this exact conversation 4 years ago (and I stayed thinking now everything was out in the open and would get better) and then exactly a year ago when I agreed to stay and try to make things work.

I'm glad now that I did stick it out for another few months last year as if I had just upped and left (original plan) I might have been tempted to give in now.

As it is, I'm not stressing over it being the right decision, I agonised over all of that (in particular on here and with my psychologist) for long enough to be totally sure of myself now.

Plus, as other posters say, the kids ARE fine, obviously a bit sad about some things, but we are all (bar exH) doing well and enjoying life and the atmosphere is so much lighter and the possiblities seem endless for the first time in years.

I hope 2020 is a good year for you, Jamais.

Wow Jamais, what an inspirational story yours is. Wish I had half your strength, you are one strong lady
Best wishes for 2020.

You sound so different and so strong these days, Jamais

His change of approach might all be fakery to show he's the poor innocent wronged father or to manipulate you into signing over more than a fair financial deal, or it might be that he is genuinely recovering from the extremes of his psychotic episode.Let's hope he's getting better. It can only be a good thing for you all when in the long run he'll be having the dcs over night and you'll be needing to deal with each other about schools, money etc. It actually doesn't matter why he's being reasonable.

Just because his worst behaviour might have been temporary, it doesn't change the fact that he has a permanent and unchanged personality type/ behaviour pattern that had already lead you to decide to end it with him long before he got ill.

Go you op!

You have come a long way.
Good luck with getting him to understand the split is permanent

Found the thread at last!
Belated Happy new year ❤️

I'm in process of leaveing in secret my abusive partner for reasons I'd rather not go into his family mum dad etc live away till april they travel to work abroad 6 months a year then return hes very bad mental health anything stresses him out and always gets very nasty and abusive at this point and makes my life a nightmare and when I get mad and stand up to him that's when he will go mad or hit me I'm leaveing and am returning back to my mums no kids not married but still very complicated. I am too scared to leave before his mum returns as I think he will try to top himself and wont cope he has no real close friends and only way I can leave safely is to flit as I know he will get violent with me my mum is in 60s and I dont want her suffering abuse also which us likely to happen if he gas support they will sort him out and talk sense into him plus they will be there for mental health support .We rent a property in my name I will give notice and he will only have a few weeks once I flit to leave feel cruel but it's not safe to tell him ges abusive I'm only taking my stuff leaveing him with essential bits beds wardrobes sofa and tv hus and I'm leaveing kitchen contents cooker and fridge landlords anyway just finding it hard waiting to go xxx

Potato you should start a thread where you'll get amazing support, as jamais has here.

Do contact Women's Aid who will support you every step of the way. Do also tell your GP what is happening so it's on record.

Good luck potato 💐

Bravo, jamais, as per! 😎

Don't worry about the scuttling away. I've done the very same and wished in retrospect I'd done it with aplomb. But the important thing is that we did it, we got away from a threatening situation. That's the key thing and you did it. Bravo!

Sorry to be a sceptic, I think he is just feeling sorry for himself, Living alone, no one to do the chores, & no "family"noise.
Rattling about on his own won't be much fun, not to mention not feeling important & getting a high off dominating & belittling ......
I don't doubt, at all, that he would like for it to go back to how it was before... he is saying to himself, OK I'll just play a bit nicer & they will be back in their boxes pronto. but it is playing a role. He is who he is it cannot possible last.

Considering how he never forgave me for the slightest thing during our long relationship (brought up old grudges years later) and sulked for days on end over imagined slights, and never ever ever said he was sorry, this is totally crazy and delusional.

Absolutely. Your first thread was because of this very treatment on what should have been a special occasion.
You're flying, at this stage.

I said similar @Mix56. Reality may be dawning, and he wants everything back to when he had a very nice life, at the expense of all others involved.

He may not be asking Jamais to forgive him anything anyway. In his deluded universe, he probably magnanimously believes he can forgive HER for leaving him!

Oh I totally read it that he would forgive Jamais for her tantrum and leaving, he has never done anything wrong to need forgiveness...

Oh and his forgiveness would be dependent on her moving back etc...

It’s like he thinks you haven’t actually left him. Like all of this is an extra dramatic gesture on your part and you’ll get over it and come back to him.

And the fact that he is refusing to accept your own autonomy and refusing to acknowledge that you might have actually made this decision that he doesn’t like, just reaffirms how incapable he is of “mutual respect” and “tolerance”.

KOKO, Alicia (you were totally Alicia by leaving 👍)

Glad you’re staying so strong - and being totally sure you have made the correct decision always helps too. Onwards and upwards, Jamais. x