Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

I also love that this psychologist is really interested in personality disorders.

Wouldn’t you live to see HIS pictures? I can totally visualize him hunched over his piece of paper, sweating about it with his pencil gripped so tightly in his clawed hand it is just about to snap!..... He is guarding his humid, graying piece of blank paper fiercely with his body so that nobody can see that he can’t decide what to draw because “THEY” are all out to get him and it won’t matter anyway because this psychologist is on Jamais’ side. He’s probably sleeping with her. Or he’s going to publish these pictures online and share them with his work and tell everyone he’s a paedophile or a racist or a vegetarian..... He’d better draw a snail. They’re easy to draw.

@NettleTea and @justilou1 - you've never met him but you know him so well !!!!

@KunekuneKristmasCake thanks ! That's what I need to tell myself, I'm regretting not saying more about my personality when I was asked, I could have said what friends and colleagues say about me, but to be faire, the psychologist (when he was talking to ds2) seems to be focusing mostly on exH - all the questions are about what Dad does and doesn't do.

So I assume that means that the kids being in my sole care for the last 18 mths means my competence is taken for granted.

Off to spend the afternoon with MR DJ which will take my mind off things

He performs so very much to archetype it’s easy to caricaturise him. 🐌 Speaking of performing.... Hope you had a very pleasant afternoon! 🍾🚀🍾🚀🍾

@jamaisjedors how are you doing?

@Grrrpredictivetex I am doing really well thanks !

It was my birthday yesterday and I realised it's been 2 full years since I realised there was something seriously wrong with my relationship and that I needed to think about leaving.

Also, for anyone out there in an abusive or controlling relationship, I have already pointed out several times how much lighter my life is and the moments of joy I have every single day when I can do whatever I want;

Now I'm in a new relationship I am also getting those moments too - I think I have managed to pick someone who is the polar opposite of exH (classic rebound probably!).

I'm still kind of holding my breath in case Mr DJ gets cross or in a huff about things but refreshingly he never does as he is very laid-back - again I can't believe how many years I put up with the silent treatment for and how sick to the stomach it used to make me.

I love updates like this - it sounds like you’re in a good place despite his best efforts.

Happy Birthday Jamais! All we need now is a speedy divorce! X

@jamaisjedors did EH have his telephone conversation with the psychologist?

Happy birthday and so glad you've met somebody worthy of dating you.

thanks all, fingers crossed for a divorce next year

I called and left a message for the psychologist yesterday just to ask if he needed any more info from me and if I would get a copy of his report.... and was/am hoping he would confirm if he had seen exh or not.

Hopefully he has, it's been nearly 3 weeks so he should have had the 2hr session too.

Will update of course

Belated Happy Birthday, @jamaisjedors 🎁🎉

Happy belated birthday xxx

Happy Belated birthday!!!

Thanks for the birthday wishes

No news from the psychologist but exH has FINALLY replied to one of my emails to give me an update on his health (I was concerned about him driving the DC down to his family for xmas on his own and possible side-effects from his medication).

He says that his psychiatrist won't write a report unless ordered to by the court... but that he has not had another psychotic episode since last year... but is still being seen regularly by the psychiatrist for anxiety and depression and has sent me his latest prescription which shows medication for both those conditions.

He also says that we will get the psychologist's report soon (but nothing about talking about upping his visiting rights to overnights or discussing custody).

I will talk to my lawyer but I guess she will say HOLD ON until we get the official information as there is no proof of anything about exh's health.

It is just so frustrating that the DC could be seeing their dad for overnights (which is what they want) and he is just not willing to provide the information or even talk about it, we could get things sorted so easily...

It was never going to be easy though, was it ? !

It was never going to be easy though, was it ? !

That is true although it's always good to remember that this is a whole lot easier than when you were living together.

It's just taking longer than you want it to but taking exactly the amount of time that you need.

Well if HE asked for a report to be sent I imagine the psy wouldn't refuse. It would shorten the wait.
Does HE actually want overnights with DC though? I am guessing he is quite pleased that you are paying for those meals & are not free to enhance your social life (snigger)
He is in no hurry, this is your punishment !

My thought is that he doesn't want the overnights because he wants to use it as a way of controlling you still tbh.

His life was much easier and more comfortable when you were together because you did all the work, and kept things running smoothly.
If I remember correctly, he still assumes that it's up to you to sort things with the boys when he should be having them but says that he can't because of work, or whatever.
I agree with previous posters also, that it's a control thing, on his part.

My XH has always done this, doesn't have the dcs overnight because he doesn't want me to have the freedom to have a social life. Mine are now old enough to be left alone for the evening and they don't see much of him so he has completely shot himself in the foot. Of course it's all my fault for 'turning them against him'. Nothing to do with the fact that he said from the word go that he wouldn't be my babysitter!

It really is a control thing. As is his comment that his psych won't write a report without a court order. He could easily facilitate this I imagine.

Not sure that I would be happy to change the status quo with your ds's on just his word and without an official report.

He really doesn't want the overnights, does he?

When fighting for 50/50 and for the schools meant stopping you getting what you wanted (your freedom) it was oh so important to him . Now he's dragging his heels on overnights because it stops you getting what you want (your freedom). Ah, I can see a link ...

Such wise words from everyone, you really are the voices of reason

Totally a control thing which is why he hasn't given me any info til now.

And yes, of course this is hard but so so much easier than living with him!!!!

And i will have a week to myself over Christmas (with overnights with mr dj) as exh will be with his family.

And after that i will just leave the dc for the evening when i want to and stop stressing about it now the kids have seen the psychologist and won't be "telling on me"

At 16 and nearly 14 they are certainly old enough. So i can stop being impatient and just get on with my life.

Absolutely fine decision. Your kids are officially nice, well-adjusted young people... soon to be young adults. I don’t think anyone’s going to be giving HIM credit, do you?

I don't think he really wants the kids overnight. I am sure he could ask the psychiatrist if he really wanted to.

They are old enough in any case that you will get free time relatively soon when they go to university...

More generously, perhaps he is still worried about his mental health impacting his ability to parent properly -- but doesn't want to admit it exactly.