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To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

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RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 12:53:04

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

SonEtLumiere Sat 28-Dec-19 12:54:11

How old are your children?

RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 12:57:51

9 and 12 now. Court order in place since they were 3 and 6.

sqirrelfriends Sat 28-Dec-19 13:02:42

Please don t let him take this joy away from you. He's an absolute prick and is only trying to make you miserable. I'm not sure there is anything you can do about his behaviour but can you can try to rise above and ignore it to a point?

Imagine what he would start with if you did have an abortion? It's not about the baby really, it's about him being an idiot.

RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 13:10:28

I can't keep suffering with the abuse though. It's relentless and unless I do what he wants it will just carry on.

4amWitchingHour Sat 28-Dec-19 13:22:38

Can you go back to the courts? Gather evidence of everything that's happening? He's damaging your sons. I understand this is hell for you, but please do not give in to him. You don't know for sure that it will stop if you're not pregnant any more, and he'll just find some other reason at some other time to unleash the abuse again. It's not in your control to stop him, except to remove you and your sons from contact with him as best you can. I'm so sorry this is happening to you thanks

Doyoumind Sat 28-Dec-19 13:26:32

You need to speak to the police if he is harassing you with threats. They wont do anything but at least it will be logged. Then you speak to a solicitor about parental alienation. Also look into the freedom programme.

RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 13:36:51

The police won't help, they can't unless there's physical abuse and I have evidence eg bruises. He knows this and so is free to abuse in every other way possible. He's manipulated my eldest so now I have a racist and homophobic child on my hands whom I really dislike.

vixb1 Sat 28-Dec-19 14:28:45

You don't mention what kind of support if any your fiancé is giving you? Can you find some strength via him?

You've let this man take control of all areas of your life. You seem resigned to the fact that you don't like your kids, but you are 50% of the parent? Where is your influence in this?

You are even talking about aborting a baby because of what he's doing to you? I am confident you will always always regret it.

There are others on here who I'm sure will be able to sign post you to support groups and offer examples of how they have overcome similar things, I'm not best placed to do that.

But please, for the sake of your future happiness you need to find a way to regain control of your own life. This guy doesn't own you and he has no right to destroy you after you've found happiness again with someone else. He's evil and he doesn't deserve your time or heartbreak.

It's so hard reading your post and replies, you sound so broken. He's clearly enjoying what he's doing to you. You need to find a way to not give him the satisfaction.

RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 14:53:04

I can't fight any more, I'm simply too tired. I've tried so many times to get help - Women's Aid, court system, police - they listen but can't do anything.

I guess it was a mistake getting pregnant as I knew ex would go mad and I was right. I know it's my fault as I made that choice and have only myself to blame for the consequences.

I've tried for five years to fight him but there's simply no point - he won't give up and the bullying never stops.

It's gets to a point where you just can't go on.

Fiancé just stays quiet because he knows too there's no point fighting against him - he gets his own way every time and nobody will stop him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 28-Dec-19 15:04:54

Can you minimise contact with him? Surely at 9 and 12, the kids are old enough to handle most of the contact themselves; and your fiancé could help with handovers and things?

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation thanks

madcatladyforever Sat 28-Dec-19 15:08:04

You need to record all this and go back to court like I did. I got a no contact order in the end. Your ex is affecting your son's mental health and you need to act now before they are damaged for life.

Redruby25 Sat 28-Dec-19 15:09:21

I feel for you I really do, it is hard dealing with all this, and on top of that you have two children to think about and one on the way. So it would be easy to say just get on with it and stand up to him. Everyone is cowering to this guy, because he has learnt that he can do as he pleases. The sad truth of the matter is, he is the sad one, as he lost you all those years ago and can't deal with it, he has no life if this is how he spends it!
I know the courts don't get involved in all of this, but I think gosh how can such a man be entitled to access, but the way things go in this country there are always allowances made etc. Did you mention him ringing up, I can't remember exactly without reading back your post, but why are you having contact with him, I expect there has to be some for him to have the children when he does, I would text no verbal calls. He's even got your partner converted to his ways, this is ridiculous!
If you really want your baby, you keep it, and if he comes anywhere near you or the baby, you call the police, to hell with their 'they can't do anything'. Okay it might not stand as domestic violence as such as he is not your current partner and not living together, but this is not acceptable, he needs some sort of injunction or something, have you been to a solicitor ?

itsbetterthanabox Sat 28-Dec-19 15:11:52

Change your number and only contact though emails.
Do exchange of kids in public place and don't discuss with him.

Frouby Sat 28-Dec-19 15:15:45

You need to fight, for your 2 sons and for the baby you are carrying and for you.

No court can force you to have contact with him, not even to maintain a co parenting relationship. Been there, got the no contact order. Speak to your midwife and your GP about your thoughts, get them on your side. Then simply stop contact. Have a seperate mobile phone with a seperate sim and a seperate email address. Give him them then block him on all other platforms. Your oldest is old enough to handle contact for him and his brother. You don't have to do it. Give him your dps number for emergencies abd maybe your dmums or dsis. Tell them you don't want to know anything unless it's an emergency.

It will be down to him to take you to court to make you speak to him. With alternatives in place and with the age of the boys and with the support of your midwife and GP he won't stand a chance. There are also anti coercion laws now which he may be breaking. It's awful but he can absolutely be stopped if you really want it to.

RUSU92 Sat 28-Dec-19 15:20:47

Your DSs are being emotionally abused by their dad. Could you get childrens services involved somehow? I know you will likely be reluctant, but you clearly don't feel able to protect them from him yourself and they will end up trying to harm the baby if you can't get them some help.

If you could have them assessed and let someone see/hear the vile ways in which he's tried to turn them against you and their unborn sibling, surely someone would HAVE to help?

I'm sorry, I have no experience of this, but I'm sure there's a safeguarding issue around him inciting racism and homophobia in the DCs and encouraging them to hate/abuse their baby sibling.

Verily1 Sat 28-Dec-19 15:26:05

Coercive control is now a crime- report report report!

vixb1 Sat 28-Dec-19 16:47:14

I keep thinking about your post. You can't give up. You just can't!

That baby was a decision to bring joy into your lives by you and your new partner. You can't let him take that away from you. I think your partner needs to grow some balls and stand up for what is right. Not stand up to your ex - but fight for this baby and help you deal with this in the background. If he can't, is there anyone else who can buddy up with you to fight this together?

You also can't give up on your older kids. Right now, they are boys, who will grow into men who will abuse women that they are with. They are already doing it to you. They are dangerous. Please don't let them turn into adults that you regret. You need to get them away from their abusive father.

You have to find some more fight. You just have to. You can do it! We can help you. Step by step. Don't get overwhelmed by it. Just think of your first move and make it. Then make another and another the day after that. People on here have already suggested what some great next steps would be. If you can find the strength, you can completely destroy him and give him what he deserves. And a life your boys and that baby deserve too. Please do not give up!

RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 19:47:50

I can't say anything. The last time I tried to speak out he made ridiculous accusations about my fiancé being a paedophile, stating one of my best male friends had hit me, that I'd neglected my kids. These allegations had to be investigated as I work in eduction and although found to be baseless, I can't go through all of that again.

He has scared my boys so much they will just say what he tells them to as they are so scared to argue with him or disagree with him. I understand this because I'm still paying the price.

I can't lose my kids any more than I already have.

Doyoumind Sat 28-Dec-19 19:50:57

You sound so defeated OP but you mustn't be. I really believe there is a way to minimise his impact. Your children need to disclose any issues they have with their father to school and they will have to take it further.

olivertwistwantsmore Sat 28-Dec-19 19:53:50

The police can help you. Coercive control is a crime. Gather evidence and go to the police.

I'd also get legal advice and go back to court. He's abusive and turning your dc Against you. What an absolute shit.

user1471449295 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:53:57

Report what’s been happening to school, SS, police. What he is doing is abuse and it is a crime now. Don’t let him win. You can do this.

RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 19:56:26

I've got a police 'phone call coming in the next couple of days. I guess I just ask them to log the fact I called? Can't say anything else and upset the apple cart as there will be hell to pay as there always is.

RainMinusBow Sat 28-Dec-19 19:58:09

Example of one of the many texts today...

In addition to your neglect of correctly treating ***'s chest infection you have now directly breached the court order by refusing to allow ** to FaceTime as per his wishes as we have all heard. This is a serious breach of the agreement and has been noted.

olivertwistwantsmore Sat 28-Dec-19 20:01:24

You sound so defeated! But you have to find a backbone and fight back or else this will be your life forever - or until your crazy ex gets bored and stops tormenting you. But by then he might have turned your kids completely against you!

There are plenty of things you can do. Get your boss on side first - tell them your having trouble with your ex and he's a liar. Then tell your midwife and gp.

Find a good female solicitor - and try the police again. Keep a note of what he has said to you.

Parental alienation is also a crime, and that's what he's doing to your kids!

It sounds really hard but you have to c stand up to him. It's crazy that you're even thinking about aborting a much wanted baby because of your ex.

Wishing you strength.

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