To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

[TheClausSeason]

I also agree with PP, you need to get your kids to see the baby as a baby. You can get a day to a page pregnancy book that shows pictures at each stage. Kids are usually pretty empathetic if you encourage that side of them.

[freeingNora]

I'm sorry this is happening to you I think you will find that the domestic abuse charities etc have come a long way in the last 5 years

Please try again I also think you need to tell people the extreme lengths you're thinking of due to the abuse

Good luck

[StCharlotte]

You poor love what a horrible position to be in.

I fear if you abort this child it might destroy your relationship with your DP and it may well destroy your relationship with your DCs anyway as surely you will resent them - who wouldn't?.

I think you need to come down hard on your DC. When they say it's just a joke, remind them jokes are meant to be funny.

It must he so hard but please don't let your ex win this battle.

[StCharlotte]

• be so hard...

[squee123]

I would seriously contact Social Services. He is damaging your sons and this needs to be investigated. If you get someone helpful and proactive they may well be able to support you in involving the police and their investigation will be invaluable evidence. Don't let this horrid man win.

[YellowJellyfish]

@RainMinusBow I have been on MN nearly 15 years and this is one of the most horrendous threads I have read.

My heart bleeds for you all.

That monster ex and your poor boys asking how they can hurt the baby but not you.

What terrible damage is he doing to them??

One of the PPs had the best advice, which quite possibly is the most impossible. But you must let this cowardly wanker release his hold on you. Stop being scared of him.

I hope that you get the most amazing advice on here and get past this terrible time. This should be a beautiful new start.

I wish you all the best OP. I hope you find some resolution and some peace.

Your fiancé sounds like a saint.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

My eldest asked the other day if there was a way to injure me so that I survived but the baby died.

That actually worries me, OP. Please look after yourself and I hate to worry you, but I’d be a bit concerned about your child tampering with any of your food/drink. You need to make it clear that anyone that would deliberately harm an unborn baby that a woman wanted to continue carrying, would go to jail. You also need to make it clear that you could never forgive someone that would do that.

[RUSU92]

My eldest asked the other day if there was a way to injure me so that I survived but the baby died.

I know he’s your son but that’s fucking twisted. There isn’t a single joke about killing your unborn child that would ever be acceptable. I hope you told him what a horrific thing that was to say about his sibling.

There’s normal sibling jealousy but this is not it, and I’d be seriously worried about him hurting the child once it’s born. You need to come down hard on this shit.

Kids need boundaries and you allowing him to speak like this just shows him that you’re weak and an unfit parent. He needs to see that his dad is the sick one for the way he’s been talking about you and your baby, and that you are a strong and protective mother who will guide him to behaving properly.

[Honeybee85]

This is truly heartbreaking OP.

I agree with PP to gather evidence and report him to the police and go back to court.
It’s horrible and if you abort the baby or give it up for adoption, he wins.
I hope karma will hit him hard very soon.

Sending you love and strength

[RainMinusBow]

Thank you so much all. As you can see from the time, amother side-effect of all of this is insomnia which I've had for literally years! It's got better now I have another adult in the house (don't check that the door is locked before bed quite so many times), but tonight I can't get the words out of my head that ex called me over the 'phone in front of my kids - these included "pervert" and "stalker" (all because I questioned with my eldest why his dad had set up an ebay account in his name). I have reported to ebay but they've not taken any action which is shocking as he's a minor.

The saddest thing in all of this is how this is effecting my feelings for my eldest. If I'm perfectly honest I really don't like him. I simply asked him today when speaking to his dad on the landline on his dad's mobile if he could ask his dad to call him back as he'd been on the 'phone over an hour. Ex refused saying that if I couldn't afford the bill then I definitely can't afford another baby. Eldest agreed with him and carried on talking, citing that if I didn't let him continue then I would be in trouble with the court as I'd be breech in the Agreement. He says this constantly if there's something he doesn't like.

Ex then gets excited by the fact son is ganging up on me against him and so gets worse. Hence the subsequent threatening texts. I can literally do nothing right.

I then get cross at eldest and he turns on the water works. Thing is, I'm not buying it. Fiancé tells me later that I shpuld go and give eldest a cuddle and tell him I love him because he has apologised, but truth be told, I don't know if I do. I think he just reminds me too much of his monster of a father.

My youngest is then in tears as he can sense how hurt I am. He's been with my mum most of the day. She lives just down the road which is great but she has Stage 3 cancer so I hate that she has to get involved like this. Youngest quite understandably hates hearing his dad and brother throw abuse at me. Fiancé is lost what to do but he's a nice guy (sometimes too nice maybe) and won't stand up to ex. I guess he has witnessed on many ocassions ex's true evilness.

I do think often that eldest would be better off living with his dad and this would make things better for us all in the long run. I've asked my son if this is what he wants but he says no.

I'm just trying to keep away from eldest as much as I can atm.

I can't enjoy this pregnancy, I feel ashamed I'm pregnant because of the impact it's having on everyone. Hardly anyone knows despite now being 18+ weeks, some of that is a fear the baby will be ill/die with all of this going on and some of it is because of my feelings towards him/her. I desperately want to love and bond with my baby but I'm terrified of doing so.

[Rtmhwales]

Can you get the boys a mobile to share and give them their dad's number and vice versa? Then change yours and the landline? If you're facilitating contact that way to avoid harassment it wouldn't be a violation of the agreement.

I'd honestly call the police and log each one of these incidents. Does your older DS want to go live with his dad full time? Maybe he's acting out.

[Siablue]

You must go to the police. The law has changed since you were with you ex. Coercive control is now a crime and what he is doing would be taken very seriously. All the texts he sends can be used as evidence.

There is a charity called DV assist. They can help you get a non molestation order against him for free. You have more than enough evidence for this.

The advice to self refer to social services is good too. I think you do also need to tell your midwife.

Your son doesn’t want to live with him full time. That says a lot.

You sound broken down by it all. I understand because I have recently left an extremely controlling relationship too. It is hard to take the next step. I would phone the police now on the 101 number. Tell them you are afraid for your safety because of your ex.

Report every incident. Some officers are better than others and have more knowledge of DV than others. You are at risk and you need to act.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Don't your teens have mobiles? Why have a landline at all? Make sure they have plans with unlimited minutes and get rid of the landline phone. I know that's not the point but the more you can do to remove ex's control the better.
Sadly your eldest is on his way to becoming an abuser himself and I don't know if there is anything you can do to divert that. I would be seriously talking to him about the fact that he may need to go and live with his dad if his abuse of you continues - whether he wants to or not.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Sorry I thought they were a bit older but even so they can have mobiles to contact him.

[Nat6999]

Next time you ring the police, ask to speak to a specialist domestic violence officer, most forces have specially trained officers who deal with domestic violence & abuse. Keep a diary of everything your ex says & does & your children come out with. Try & keep your contact with ex to text only or if you must speak on phone with ex, put phone on speaker & record all calls. Definitely speak to Women's aid, your GP, school about the way your ex is manipulation your children, a referral to a psychologist may be needed, if the situation becomes desperate take the children to A & E, they should have a fast track to their child abuse unit who will have a psychologist who will chat to both of them & give you an honest opinion of what damage your ex has caused, they can offer them regular sessions to help support you all to get this monster out of your lives, they have contact with the police & give evidence if your ex can be charged with coercive control & abuse. If your ex is charged you don't have to worry about a solicitor, the CPS will be bringing charges & will act on your behalf.

[Siablue]

I know you have posted about this before. It is getting worse now. Please, please please get help. You need to tell someone in authority about the abuse.


It is scary but it is the only way it will stop. I don’t know you but I have not been able to sleep for worrying about you.

Pick up the phone and call the police.

My ex sounds similar to yours. Very convincing and can put up a good front, good job that he doesn’t want to lose. He was genuinely chasten by their involvement.


Please do it.

[YellowJellyfish]

There's some excellent advice on here Rainminusbow and we can all see how broken you are by it all.

But you can do this for your boys, your unborn baby and your lovely fiancé, and yourself.

Take PPs' advice, contact SS, police and all the wonderful charities listed on here.

As a PP said your son is on his way to abusing women like his father!! Your son is going to abuse women. You will be the mother of an abuser.

However the fact that he doesn't want to live with this dad speaks volumes. He can still be saved.

Please my lovely, please heed the advice on here.

[SaskiaRembrandt]

This is horrendous, OP! I can understand why you feel powerless, but there are steps you can take.

First, contact the police, the laws defining DV have changed, what he is doing is now a crime even without physical violence.

Speak to your midwife, she will be able to point you towards the resources and offer support. If she is anything like any midwife I've ever met she'll be furious and very keen to help you.

Contact the organisation Siablue mentioned, here is their website www.dvassist.org.uk/

Speak to your GP about the behaviour of your sons, ask for a referral for appropriate therapy.

Insist on contact only via email. Block his number on your phone, and give him the numbers of a couple of family members or friends for emergencies. If he tries to call you from another phone, state clearly that you will only communicate by email and end the call.

I do understand how incredibly draining this must be, but you are not alone, there is help. He is not allowed to treat you or your family like this.

[stilldoesntknowwhatshappening]

I hope you're doing OK today

[RainMinusBow]

@stilldoesntknowwhatshappening and everyone else that's taken the time to reply - thank you first of all.

I had a police visit last night as arranged. My fiancé supported me and we told him everything. Policeman said he feels it's more a family court matter but did log the fact that he'd been put and what we said.

He also said that things would have been different had all of his coercive control happened five years ago but there we go, nothing we can do about it now. I lost my boys half of the time.

Policeman did offer to go and speak to ex-husband but both fiancé and I feel that this would simply escalate things.

However, something happened again tonight and I don't know whether to report it...

Handover of the boys back to my ex was due tonight at 5pm. Our house is a bit strange in we are a corner plot and both of our doors are through our back garden. Normally we lock the gate but the lock has been warped with the cold. However, we have a doorbell and two signs asking people to ring if they have a parcel or anything as we have a dog often running free and our house backs directly onto a very busy main road.

We've had no problems since living here and nobody has entered our back garden.

Except ex tonight.

He turned up early banging angrily on the back door. He'd entered our garden which he has never done before.

My eldest called himon his mobile and asked him to wait outside please because of the dog. He refused. Fiancé then very calmly opened the back door and we both asked him to please wait outside the gate like he always does. Again he refused and them started shputing at my fiancé, calling him an "effing c#$t" etc. Both boys witnessed this.

My fiancé again asked him he could leave the back garden and ex started saying "No, I will not. And I'm effing telling you don't you tell my son ever again what he can and can't do. He's none of your effing business" etc. He was shouting and pointing and extremely aggressive. I then said please could you leave our garden because it's not OK to be trespassing. Again he refused and stood right by the door. I shut the door and locked it until the boys had put shoes on. He did not leave the garden.

Fiancé then did tell him to eff off. Not best pleased he did that but I can see why he did. He had asked several times very calmly that he waited where he always does and had ensured a completely uncalled for barrage of abuse. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that up until just now fiancé has been nothing but civil to ex, despite much provocation. I think maybe as well fiancé is particularly protective of me at the moment as I'm pregnant.

I really don't like what he's done. He's never, ever come onto the garden before so why now? It's just all about control. It's left me shaken and I feel bad for the kids to have had to witness this. Eldest was brill and said just to ignore him. He stood up for fiancé. Youngest was just scared as I was tbh.

Do I report?

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Yes, of course you report it and also invest in a cheap door camera so you can record any further behaviour like this. I honestly think he feels that he’s losing control of your boys, because of your pregnancy. He feels threatened by the fact that the baby will tie your wee family together so has increased his abuse. Let him continue and get as much evidence as you can. He will eventually fuck up and the police and/or courts will have evidence to deal with him. Instead of seeing his behaviour as being out of your control, take comfort in the fact that the fucker is starting to unravel and overplay his hand. Your oldest will remember this incident and it might be the thing that he needs to open his eyes s to his father. It really really was a good thing that your boys saw this behaviour as this pushes them back to you. Keep strong, it will be bloody hard going, but holding your baby, with your boys in the house, will make it worth it.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs.

[Nixen]

Honestly, if I was you I would pack my shit up in the middle of the night, put the kids in the car, and leave. Do a moonlight flit. Fuck this guy.

[RainMinusBow]

@Nixen Tempting, but I'd be in breach of Court as 50:50 Legal Agreement!!

[StCharlotte]

Is it worth somehow making it known to him that you had called the police. He won't know whether they'll be coming to see him...

Even if not, at least get cameras for your garden and doors.

Have you talked to your eldest when everyone's calm about your feelings at his behaviour?